Bartender: Tonight I’ll be dancing on the bar every three hours. I normally dance every hour but I had an abortion yesterday.
Drinker: Oh.
–48th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: drunkberserker
Archive for the ‘Bartenders’ Category
Two Leading Causes of Injury for the Married Man
Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.
–Bar, 78th & 1st
If You’re Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don’t Have One
Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!
–Brooklyn Music School
Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Mickey
Bar customer to bartender: You’re only 22? I have an aborted fetus that’s older than you!
–110th & Amsterdam
Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend’s abortion by coming to the comedy club!
–Times Square
Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.
–D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
…Perhaps Reaching for Concealed Weapons
Bartender: Actually, some people are sitting there.
Patron: Well, when they come back, we’ll move.
Bartender: They’re standing behind you.
–Bar, Theater District
Another Strike and You’re Out, Sweetheart
Woman: Hola! Una wheatgrass con ginger… Por favor!
Latina girl behind counter: Excuse me? You wanted what, exactly?
Woman: Ummm… A wheatgrass shot with ginger?
Girl: You do realize we don’t have that, don’t you?
–Juicy Lucy’s, Avenue A
Overheard by: JKS
‘Cause If You Do Like Torture, My Culture Is All Over That
D.O.M.: I really like your culture.
Cute Japanese bartender: You… like torture?
D.O.M.: What? No, no… Culture — culture.…
Bartender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: Culture. Man, how do I say this…?
Bartender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: … I like what you guys do.
Bartender, leery: Thanks…
–Japanese restaurant
Overheard by: aulevan
Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship
Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.
–Nation, 45th & 5th
Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink
Reader Poll: Which Part Of That Last Statement Was More Disturbing?
20-something guy: His beard makes him look like Chuck Norris.
20-something girl: Who?
Bartender: Chuck Norris. He was Walker, Texas Ranger.
20-something guy: You don’t know who Chuck Norris is?
20-something girl: I feel like we always talk about Chuck Norris and I have no idea who he is.
–3rd St & Berry, Williamsburg
Overheard by:
Why the City Never Sleeps
Bartender guy: Yo dude, block the door with your foot for a minute.
He does. Bartender guy then proceeds to cut a line on the top of the urinal, snort it, and return to work.
–Dorrian’s Red Hand men’s room, 2nd Avenue
What They Really Say Is “Rhubarb, Rhubrarb, Mrs. Benson”
Guy at bar doing crossword: “The sound of a crowd.” Three letters, ending with “n.“
Hot bartender: Ummmmm.
Guy: “Din”? Is it “din”?
Hot bartender: What? Like people get together and just start saying “din din din”? I don’t think so!
–The Continental
Overheard by: choking on scotch
