Little kid: No, you gotta do the secret handshake.
Friend: What?
Little kid: The secret handshake! [Stands behind friend and starts thrusting his hips against friend’s rear.] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Little kid’s mom: Josh, that’s not nice!
–65th & Broadway
Chick: My husband and I like to go to titty bars in the city. That’s why we get on so well — he likes girls and I like girls.… So, when you hang out with your buddies do you go to titty bars?
Dude: Er, not really — maybe once we went.
–Radio City Fashion Rocks show
Overheard by: Listening in the line
Drunk balding fratboy in elevator: Dude who’s that chick in the picture on your phone?
Tall friend: Oh, it’s my niece.
Drunk balding fratboy in elevator: Buzzkill.
–Bowlmor Night Club
Overheard by: Revere La Noue
Drunk punk #1: How was your date with BJ?
Drunk punk #2: She got wasted and passed out in her hallway.
Drunk punk #1: Awesome!
–Bouncing Souls Concert, Webster Hall
Thugette on cell: Yeah, I’m planning on getting arrested this weekend. That’s my new thing now. Instead of going to the club and shit, I’m just going to get arrested.
–34th & 8th
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Metrosexual: Oh my god! Did you hear that Paris Hilton just escaped from prison?
–Broadway & Prince
Mom eating fried chicken: I always thought Penn Station stop was named after a penitentiary…
–A train
Overheard by: Denning
Mocking cop to dude he just arrested: You’ve got jail!
–West Village
Punk #1: You hear CBGB’s closed down?
Punk #2: Yeah, that sucks.
Punk #1: I had a threesome in the bathroom there during an Alkaline Trio concert.
Punk #2: Really?
Punk #1: No.
Punk #2: Nice story though.
–53rd St 7th Ave
Overheard by: Travis
Guy: We could go to Coyote Ugly.
Girl: Or Cheap Shots!
Guy: Ugh.
Girl: Boo-yah! I bet that’s the only place down here I could yell “boo-yah” and people would yell it with me. With sincerity.
–1st Avenue & 9th Street
Girl #1: Damn you’re so unhip these days.
Girl #2: What, because I don’t want to bed with my supposedly straight female friend?
Girl #1: The club: Bed. You really need to get out more.
–Madame X, Houston Street
Overheard by: Leonora Seinfeld
Man: You know what I love? Farting in supermarkets.
–Broadway & 87th
Overheard by: alice townes
Woman on cell: Went to the club last night, goin’ to the club tonight, tomorrow sit on my ass: D‑V-D!
–Eldridge & Stanton
Queer on cell: I mean, he left bruises and scratches all over my ass! I could barely sit down on the subway this morning! I’m telling you, if something happens to me today, the ER people are gonna think I’ve been beaten.
–23rd St between 6th and 7th
Unkempt facial hair guy: What kinds of clubs are you going to these days?
Bald guy with glasses: Oh, you know, ones where they wear body glitter and talk bullshit.
–3rd Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist