Old junkie guy #1: …So the bitch is fucking bitching about wearin’ a condom. She won’t let me bust my nut in her ’til I slap one on. So I do! And the bitch gives me crabs!
Old junkie guy #2: What a ho.
–Bx15 bus
Archive for the ‘Condoms’ Category
The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves
20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.
–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch
Overheard by: Kelli Jo
Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.
–7th Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…
Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!
–4 Train
Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.
–Kent Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Trekkie
Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.
–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)
–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens
Also, You Just Directed Me Towards the Saran Wrap
Dude: There’s a new kind of condom out that makes you feel like you’re not wearing it.
Pharmacist: I don’t know, sorry.
Dude: But you’re a pharmacist.
Pharmacist: The product is over there. (points at all condoms)
Dude: Okay, thanks for knowing nothing.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Dave G
You’re Still Only As Safe As Your Lover, Sweetie
Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.
–Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Katie
She’s the Cob, and They’re the Cornholders
Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.
–84th & Broadway
Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.
–52nd & Lexington
Use a Wednesday, So You Don’t Get One-Linered Up
Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?
–Times Square
Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: “If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant.”? Seriously!
–Broadway & 103rd St
Overheard by: Amy
Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.
–Outside Trader Joe’s, 14th St
Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy – the baby snow monkey – came along. So be careful with your birth control.
–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys
Girl to another: I just don’t see why we can’t make our own condoms.
–14th St & 4th Ave
Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)
Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.
Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.
Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all.
–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: capn midnite
Lick This and Tell Me It’s Not Delicious
Thug #1: What is that?
Thug #2 with safe-sex gift bag: One of them dental dams.
Thug #3: What’s it taste like?
Thug #2, licking it: Mmm.
Thug #3 takes it, licks it: Mmm.
Thug #1: I swear, I need to leave you in the ghetto. Damn, can’t even take you niggas out to eat!
–Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Can’t help you there
He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Party!
Concerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of gettin’ like, an STD or something? Don’t you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn’t. I mean, he’s been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin’ ever happened. (points to belly, implying she’s pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16 – almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I’ll take my baby with me!
–E Train
Headline by: Erica Neumann
Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” — twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” — Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” — Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” — All by myself.
Ugh, I’d Prefer the AIDS
Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don’t want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.
–Staten Island
Overheard by: R
