Old junkie guy #1: …So the bitch is fucking bitching about wearin’ a condom. She won’t let me bust my nut in her ’til I slap one on. So I do! And the bitch gives me crabs!
Old junkie guy #2: What a ho.
–Bx15 bus
Old junkie guy #1: …So the bitch is fucking bitching about wearin’ a condom. She won’t let me bust my nut in her ’til I slap one on. So I do! And the bitch gives me crabs!
Old junkie guy #2: What a ho.
–Bx15 bus
20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.
–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch
Overheard by: Kelli Jo
Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.
–7th Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…
Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!
–4 Train
Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.
–Kent Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Trekkie
Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.
–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)
–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens
Dude: There’s a new kind of condom out that makes you feel like you’re not wearing it.
Pharmacist: I don’t know, sorry.
Dude: But you’re a pharmacist.
Pharmacist: The product is over there. (points at all condoms)
Dude: Okay, thanks for knowing nothing.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Dave G
Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.
–Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Katie
Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.
–84th & Broadway
Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.
–52nd & Lexington
Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?
–Times Square
Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: “If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant.”? Seriously!
–Broadway & 103rd St
Overheard by: Amy
Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.
–Outside Trader Joe’s, 14th St
Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy – the baby snow monkey – came along. So be careful with your birth control.
–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys
Girl to another: I just don’t see why we can’t make our own condoms.
–14th St & 4th Ave
Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.
Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.
Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all.
–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: capn midnite
Thug #1: What is that?
Thug #2 with safe-sex gift bag: One of them dental dams.
Thug #3: What’s it taste like?
Thug #2, licking it: Mmm.
Thug #3 takes it, licks it: Mmm.
Thug #1: I swear, I need to leave you in the ghetto. Damn, can’t even take you niggas out to eat!
–Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Can’t help you there
Concerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of gettin’ like, an STD or something? Don’t you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn’t. I mean, he’s been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin’ ever happened. (points to belly, implying she’s pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16 – almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I’ll take my baby with me!
–E Train
Headline by: Erica Neumann
Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” — twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” — Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” — Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” — All by myself.
Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don’t want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.
–Staten Island
Overheard by: R
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist