Conductor: Dyckman Street’s next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street’s next, nigga!
–1 train near 191st
Overheard by: vegannramember
Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m serious, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
–Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin’ all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
–Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
–Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
–Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what’s the problem with that?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Your Editors Are Avoiding the Heliport
Conductor on PA: 34th Street next, stand clear of the closing doors.
Hobo, to self: 34th? You could get killed!
–A Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?
Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?
–1 Penn Plaza
Overheard by: Nora
Hot dog vendor: To go?
–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Chrissy
Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?
–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York
Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?
–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St
Overheard by: Dianora
20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?
–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park
Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn’t it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn’t food?
–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?
–Uptown 1 Train
Wednesday One-Liners – Easy As 1, 2, 3
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”
–D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!
–Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
–A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience.
–6 Train
Overheard by: little_pooh_1
Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in.
–Metro-North Railroad
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we’re probably not going there… unless it’s Jamaica, but that’s highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Christian
Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine.
–Uptown Q Train
Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin’ for you… We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis?
–2 Train
The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.
–LIRR
Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.
–LIRR, Drunk Train
Overheard by: Jason
Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)
–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)
–MacDougal St, The Village
Overheard by: Reid Rogers
Wednesday One-liners Use Public Transport
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen…this is not good.
–N train
Overheard by: Melissa
Overheard by: Anonymous
Okay, Now You’re Just Bragging.
Old man: I’m picking up a big-legged woman in Stamford.
Conductor: Oh, that’s good.
Old man: Yeah, she’s 300 pounds.
Conductor: Okay.
Old man: Yes. A very large woman is waiting for me in Stamford.
Conductor: Sounds like you’re excited.
Old man: Yeah, and she has a rack, too!
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Reilly
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don’t need the fucking Seven Train!
–6 train
Overheard by: phenders
