[Man enters train.]Man: Damn! I have jury duty today…
Random girl: Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry. But hey, it could be worse.
Man: Yeah, it could be worse, I could be on trial.
–R Train
Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category
He’s Moonwalked Out Of the Babysitting Business, Hon
Woman #1: I wouldn’t mind Michael Jackson looking after my kids.
Woman #2: Two words: child molester.
Woman #1: Two words: Not guilty.
–1 Train
Wednesday One-liners Bring It
Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.
–Bobst Library, Washington Square South
This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am
Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.
–Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington
Overheard by: EthanK
We’ve Found the Real Killer
Man #1: You dropped your glove, sir.
Man #2: That’s how they caught O.J. Simpson, man!
–34th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Queenie
It’s a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret… And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear “Fuck yeah – crack!” coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
–82nd & York
Typical Beurocratic Nitpicking
DMV employee: You didn’t write down “Assault with a deadly weapon” on your form.
Woman: Oh shit, I forgot that?
–College Point DMV, Queens
Overheard by: Noelle
How to Explain “Trashy” to Non-Native Speakers
Lady gentrifier: Like Joey Buttafuoco?
Guy gentrifier: Yes, like Joey Buttafuoco.
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jordamn!
The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners
Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.
–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights
Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.
–Bx 8 bus
Overheard by: You’re Welcome
Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!
–42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.
–60th & 5th
Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.
–Bleecker
Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.
–67th St stop, Queens
After All, That’s How Daddy Got You
Dad: Katie! Katie! Where are you?
Little girl emerges.
Dad: What are you doing?! Never do that again. You know what happens when you walk away from Daddy? Some evil man comes and decides to take you and keep you forever.
–ABC Carpet, 19th & Broadway
Overheard by: hjane
