Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Fakes’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)

Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: ianbobian

Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I’m like “you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!”

–60th St & Broadway

Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you’re going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Really!?!?

Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you’re done entertaining the fake Jews.

–Cafe, Church & Walker

Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I’d have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know?

–Hester & Mott

Overheard by: Jensel

I Bet She Had Some ‘Splaining to Do

Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That’s hilarious!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Headline by: Mikey G.

Runners-Up:
· “And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!” — JesusFreak
· “And She Didn’t Check the Psycho Box on Match.com” — digruntled internet dater
· “He Didn’t Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either…” — Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kidding Your Place Wasn’t Robbed Sex” Was Awesome, Too.” — anonmouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Masculinity” on Insurance Claim Forms” — Jamie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Technically I Think She Outsources to the Maid

Girl #1: Oh my god! I can’t believe my mom only got a B+ on my history paper.
Girl #2: Well, I can’t believe your mom does your schoolwork and writes your papers for you. Don’t you ever feel guilty?
Girl #1: Umm…no. Since she’s, like, paying for my college and stuff, then it’s only fair that she gets to do the work.

–SoHo

That’s the Third Time This Week

Bimbette art student #1, pointing at fresh grapes: I don’t get why they call ‘olive-skinned’ people ‘olive-skinned’. No one’s skin is that color!
Bimbette art student #2, after closer inspection of fresh grapes: Yeah, but those olives look messed up, I think they’re fake. Real olives are, like, darker or something.
Bimbette art student #1: Yeah, those olives are too light, that’s it. No one’s skin is that color of… of light green.
Cashier: Uhm, are you ladies in line? Can I get you some… Grapes?
Bimbette art student #3: Yeah, those olives are totally fake, that must be it.
[Group leaves deli.]Cashier: Did that really just happen?

–27th & 5th

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster Pee-wee Herman lookalike to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilingus to let me direct a show? You’re totally gonna be in it!

–Q Train

Overheard by: Flea

Man: I believe some of this will be made up.

–Going into Wicked, Broadway

Overheard by: CAM

Black highschool girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?

–In the Heights, Broadway Musical

Overheard by: Cookie

Woman in Jersey accent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: HarlemRy

Daniel Radcliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I’m eighty, I gotta be in this show with him. I’d be like, “put it in me! Put it in me!”

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: Nikki

Man leaving Hair: Well, that beats the hell outta Shakespeare!

–Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park