Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don’t know…maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
–Bowery & Delancey
Archive for the ‘Fire’ Category
Your Editors Find Themselves Drunk With All the Possiblities
20-something girl to friend: You can’t be serious!
Friend: Tasteless clear liquid, I’m telling you what.
20-something girl: Hey, are you in jail? Are you on fire? Then shut the hell up!
–Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Victoria Lynne Blakeman
Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses
Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it’s okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I’m really sorry – I’m just entering the subway, that’s what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn’t wash her hands)
–34th St & 9th St
Flustered 50-something suit: It’s burning! It’s burning!
–Penn Station Bathroom
Man in stall: There should be a law against what’s coming out of me.
–25th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: I agree
Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can’t talk to you right now. (pause) I’m in the bathroom! (pause) I’ve got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?
–Restroom, Grand Central
Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!
–Men’s Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas
Overheard by: Russ Wall
It’s a Long Story, but You’ve Got Time Too Hear It
Guy in red community service jumpsuit: You know how they caught me for that? I went back to look at the fire. They said 85% of the people go back to watch.
Girl in same jumpsuit: That makes sense. Cuz I did that before too, but I didn’t get caught for it.
–Mott & Bleecker
Overheard by: Bookgirl
We Only Burn Down Buildings in Iraq
British man: Has anyone burned down his house yet?
British woman: No, love, we don’t do that here.
–Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: Jay
Wednesday One-Liners Light Up the Sky Like a Flame
Woman: So, I left her this really erotic message right before her hotel room burnt down. I think that’s why we didn’t get the apartment.
–2 train
30-ish lady to friend: That boy lights himself on fire every time he’s welding something. I think he likes it. He’s some kind of weird pyro.
–17th & 5th, Park Slope
British chick on cell: He what? He keeps setting himself on fire?
–Urban Outfitters, 10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Salami
Queer on cell: So, Todd said, ‘Do you smell smoke?’ It was the gay mafia! They were trying to burn down the bar.
–14th & Ave B
Tipsy 20-something: Well, at least you didn’t get set on fire. That’s the important thing.
–1 train, 72nd St station
Overheard by: Pitr
Even a Penny for Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Anybody help me feed my stomach? No? I hope all you get home safe. And don’t burn your house down. And don’t smoke no crack.
–6 train
Overheard by: P. Von Kant
Hobo: I said I was hungry. Hungry. I can’t eat this bird-food shit! Why’d you give me this?
–9th St. & 2nd Ave
Hobo: Wanna see the real Zoo York? Bend over and I’ll show ya.
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Dan Arcuri
It’s Not Excitement Unless It Leaves Scars
Chick: Last night’s blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn’t know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’
–D train
Illegal Chinese Fireworks
A two year old Chinese girl decided to squat on a manhole cover.
Chinese Mom: What are you doing?! That will warm up your butt and it will burst into flames!
–66th & Columbus
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
She’s the Star of Vivid Video’s ‘Catalina’s Burning Nipples’
Girl: Y’know Catalina who works upstairs? The one with the really big breasts? Whenever it’s a customer’s birthday, she pulls her shirt down, attaches matches to her nipples and lights the cake with them while singing, ‘Happy Birthday.’
Guy: Are her nipples made of wood or something?
Girl: I don’t know. All I know is when I turn around, they’re on fire!
–Uptown N, 23rd St
Overheard by: Jatmos
