Nylon sweat suit guy: I need a nice homecooked meal. I think I’m gonna go to Tad’s.
–50th & 6th
Blonde: I don’t diet. I just eat moderately.
–Maggie’s, 47th & Madison
Archive for the ‘Food’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said “Come on, Mr California!” and I was like: “Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!”
–G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.
–Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!
–38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.
–43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.
–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
Then May I Suggest the Grilled Water?
Woman: Does the breakfast burrito come with fries?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman: Uh-uh. I can’t be having a tortilla and potatoes — I’m working on my pretty.
–Blue Moon, 17th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Deli Fun
Lady: Let me get a half pound of ham, sliced thin,
Deli guy: Is this thin enough?
Lady: Yeah, so long as I can watch TV through it.
–Bensonhurst
Wednesday One-Liners Tartare
Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn’t.
–6 Train
Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding
B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.
–80 Pine St
Overheard by: It’s me
Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.
–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Morning Glory
NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.
–NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: evanescent
Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it’s like a sausage.
–NYU Classroom
Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Murphy
God, That Brings Me Back
Hobo: Spare some change?
Yuppie woman: Sorry. But would you like some prosciutto with melon?
Hobo: Yeah, okay.
–96th & CPW
Overheard by: Jill
…And What’s the Shortest Distance Between Two Points?
Blonde girl: I really like martinis. They are probably my favorite drink.
Other blonde girl: Do you really like olives or something?
Blonde girl: No, I like to be drunk.
–43rd & Lexington
I’m Thankful I’m Alive
An unofficial memorial is covered with flowers, candles, cards and candy.
Drunk girl #1: Hey, who wants a Blow Pop?
Drunk guy: Um…I dunno.
Drunk girl #2: Don’t. It’s bad luck to take candy from the dead.
Drunk girl #1: …Yeah, I guess you’re right.
–3rd between A & B
Overheard by: The Vouk
Girl: Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?
Guy: Why not?
–66th & Columbus
Sweetie, All Girls Your Age Are the Same Person
Girl #1: I have raisins living in my bag.
Girl #2: … We really are the same person.
–Bard High School Early College
A Velociraptor? Bad Idea.
Whining young boy: I can handle it!
Stern mother: We have a dying hermit crab at home. You cannot handle it.
Whining young boy: But I’ll feed it every day!
–3rd Ave & 16th Str
