Man #1: So I’m lookin down there, and I see my girlfriend tugging at her crotch.
Man #2: Why?
Man #1: Well, it turns out she was masturbating with a banana, and she squashed it and it exploded inside of her! Haha!
Man #2: That’s completely disgusting, your girlfriend is a freak and you should reconsider licking her butt, like you said you do for her.
–Staten Island
Overheard by: TOOBxSOCKS
Hipster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some advice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?’
–Bedford Ave
Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!
–Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!
–LIRR
Overheard by: mish
Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.
–5th Ave & Union
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.
–Restroom, JFK
Overheard by: colette
Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t understand religion!
–Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
Teen girl #1: Whoa, are those apples really all in perfect rows?
Teen girl #2: Whole Foods has really out-yuppied itself this time.
–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Yuppie male at counter, taking a sip of his orange juice, sighing: Let me guess. This isn’t freshly squeezed.
Barista: Nope!
–Amy’s Bread
Dude: So I finally saw Lisa’s* tits. Good stuff, man.
Friend: Yeah? Are they big?
Dude: Not at all. But it’s better that way. A handful is enough.
Friend: So it’s like nuts?
Dude: What the fuck?
Friend: No! I mean they say a handful of nuts is enough protein for the day! That came out totally wrong!
Dude: Whatever you say…Tinkerbell.
–67th & Columbus
Frazzled mother to young child: Hurry. Hurry. Look, the monster is going to get you if you don’t walk faster!
–Queens Mall
Mother to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chicken, I’ll give you a raisin.
–College Point Shopping Center
Overheard by: Yesenia
Mom speaking to son: Sweetie, do I look like a eggbeater?
–Waterside Plaza
Woman on bus to child with large hearing aid: Sit down properly! Are you listening to me?
–M23 Bus
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Mother to whiny toddler: I can’t listen to you anymore! I fear for both of us.
–15th St & University Place
Overheard by: Sarah M.
Woman, to young daughter: See? That’s a banana, this is the “peel.” P‑e-a‑l.
Man across the aisle: It’s spelled p‑e-a‑l only when it’s for a bell.
Woman, indignantly: Bells don’t have peels!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Marino
New Jersey wife: Well, when you get lemons – you make lemonade!
New Jersey husband: That’s bullshit! Did you ever hear of the lemon law?
–W 72nd St
Guy #1: I used to know the price of a bag of weed. Now I know the price of a pound of New Zealand apples.
Guy #2: Yeah, I know. I used to know the price of a lap dance from a good stripper. Now I know the price of an engagement ring.
Guy #1: What happened to you?
–33rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Todd
Starbucks barista: Sorry, we’re all out of bananas. Would you like to try something else?
Beach bum tanning girl: But I never drink anything from here that doesn’t have bananas.
Starbucks barista: Well, we have some bananas in the back, but they still look green.
Beach bum tanning girl, clearly confused: If they’re green on the outside, does that mean they’re green on the inside too?
–Starbucks, Staten Island
Overheard by: Jacqueline Battaglia
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist