Diva customer: How do I find out who was answering the phone this morning?!
Salesgirl: Um… It could have been anybody, I’m not sure…
Diva customer: Pshhh.
Salesgirl: I’m sorry. Why did you want to know?
Diva customer: Because this girl I talked to told me that you all had the Erin Skinny Destroyed jeans in the light color, and now y’all don’t have them, and I wanna report her!
Salesgirl: Um… Sorry.
–Abercrombie & Fitch, 5th Ave
Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I’d be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.
–8th St & Bedford Ave
Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn’t treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don’t know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It’s just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.
–E Train
Overheard by: Xander
Pretentious snob lady: New York is soooo Vegas these days.
–Times Square
Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don’t like you! Don’t you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!
–176th & Broadway
Overheard by: emily d.
Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!
–2nd Ave & 10th St
Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!
–Midtown Bar
Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?
–Broadway & 13th St
Customer: Excuse me, there’s no toilet paper in the women’s room. [Cashier wordlessly pulls wad of napkins out of dispenser and hands them over.] There’s six of us waiting in line back there! [Cashier wordlessly pulls out another wad of napkins.] Lord, have mercy.
–McDonald’s Express, 125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Puerto Rican girl: Wwhy you all cut that island in half? You racist against the niggas on the other half? They your neighbors!
Dominican girl: I know, right? It’s the hatred. Like, you all be racist against white people…
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, but everyone is racist against white people. That don’t count!
–6 train
Overheard by: JS
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· “Better to Be the Hater Than the Haiti” — madfigs
· “Just Like Proper Grammar.” — Jo
· “The Original ‘I Have a Dream’ Speech…” — Rahul Advani
· “White People: They Can Do That?” — Kiki Malibu
· “White People Would Have Weighed In, but They Were Golfing” — s h
Hipster guy: I am always so embittered.
Hipster girl: I know, and I hate it.
–13th & 2nd
Overheard by: Slammy
Bag lady: This guy killed my boyfriend!
Hobo: No, I didn’t! Not directly!
Bag lady: He gave him vodka so he fell into a bus!
–Broadway & Waverly
Young teen #1: Nah, man! I refuse to compromise my morals and values for some girl!
Young teen #2: C’mon, man, just come with us.
Young teen #1: No! I refuse to walk into a fucking bookstore!
–Outside Strand Bookstore, Union Square
Overheard by: Avid Book Reader
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist