30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.
–Palladium Gym, NYU
Headline by: Pseudonym
Runners-Up:
· “Because she’s out shopping for a vibrator” — trish
· “He celebrates Palm Sunday the same way” — Kate
· “He’s An Up & Comer” — Rod W
· “Little Johnny took the comeback “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” a little too seriously.” — Cloud
· “When Harry Met Righty” — Vasyl
College kid #1: …and the astrologers are having to completely change their predictions because Pluto’s not a planet anymore.
College kid #2: That’s crazy.
Random guy: Don’t make fun of astrology. Hitler took astrology seriously. So did Ronald Reagan. And kings and queens.
–1 train, 116th St
Overheard by: bluekale
Headline by: wiggity
Runners-Up:
· “Actually, The Queens Only Follow the Movements of Uranus” — Johnny B
· “Astrologists Predict Random Man Wearing Jack Boots Will Disembowel 2 College Kids” — dante mcnasty
· “I Thought Ronald Reagan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stupidity Was in Retrograde…” — tm78
· “Nostradumbass Lives On” — kathy
· “Pluto Is Just a Mickey Mouse Planet” — Elliott Sperber
· “Taurus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Corner. Also, You Will Invade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Program Was About?” — Tom Dorey
Red-haired hipster: Yeah, I haven’t bathed myself in a week, so today I took a shower.
Hipster chick: Yeah, last time I took a shower was on Christmas Eve. I guess I should bathe.
–L Train
Overheard by: every day bather
Headline by: antigoth
Runners-Up:
· “God, I Hope This Was Overheard on Christmas Day” — Vasyl
· “Jesus Would Want It That Way” — Nick Turner
· “On the Plus Side, I’ve Driven All Of the Roaches Out Of My Apartment” — Kelly
· “Robert Pattinson’s Dream Girls” — John
· “Smells Like.… Teen Spirit?” — rose
· “Wait, Do Golden Showers Count?” — Trey Jackson
· “Why Is There an Echo on This Train?” — Scott Easton
· “Why You Never See Hipster Babies…” — Ray
Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can’t go out with him.
Friend: Wait — what’s wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.
–116th & Broadway
Overheard by: uptown girl
Headline by: Sarah K
Runners-Up:
· “…Or Ghandi, Whichever.” — Johnny
· “And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed” — Sim Etrias
· “And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either” — Naked Lunch
· “Oh, Whew… I Thought You Said, “tourist”” — Rhadamanthus
· “Plus, I Wouldn’t Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins” — MarioRPG
· “Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now” — Fran
Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has herpes and he never told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
Girl: Not that kind of herpes, the other kind. But I talked to him about it. It’s pretty funny, actually. But he didn’t tell me. Well…we don’t really talk about stuff like that.
–110th St & Broadway
Headline by: ikki nikki
Runners-Up:
· “…Until I Googled Valtrex, That Is” — keeps on giving
· “Genital Sores Tend to Speak for Themselves” — DCGeek
· “So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Doesn’t Affect Our Relationship” — BenGay
· “The Line for Guest Appearences on Maury Starts Here…” — John
· “We Don’t Want Things to Get Too Simplex” — erak
· “Which Is Why He Doesn’t Know About My Three Abortions” — Jesse
· “You Mean the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Kind Of Herpes?” — leoladie23
Middle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Prostitute: Don’t worry, I never have.
–81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean
Runners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — Ingwall
· “Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?” — Hobo Whisperer
· “He Was Looking For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Punished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Condom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Considered ‘Middle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Condom. She’s Been Tested, Too” — Andy Adelewitz
· “Take Your Father to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath
Honorable mentions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Public)” — Heather
· “They Were Talking About Their Braces.” — Allison
Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That’s hilarious!
–114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Headline by: Mikey G.
Runners-Up:
· “And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!” — JesusFreak
· “And She Didn’t Check the Psycho Box on Match.com” — digruntled internet dater
· “He Didn’t Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either…” — Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kidding Your Place Wasn’t Robbed Sex” Was Awesome, Too.” — anonmouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Masculinity” on Insurance Claim Forms” — Jamie
Girl #1, holding bottle of water: Do you think this water is bad?
Girl #2: How long have you had it for?
Girl #1: I don’t know, I found it in my freezer.
Girl #2: No, it’s probably good, freezing things keep them fresh.
–9th St & Ave A
Headline by: Nick Pollotta
Runners-Up:
· “.… According to the Jeffrey Dahmer Cookbook” — the amoeba
· “As I Learned at Grave-Digging Camp” — Muse on the Loose
· “But Just to Be Safe, I Would Boil It” — Max Million
· “Every Night I Put My Pussy on Ice” — DickintheHandisWorthTwoBushes
· “Just Ask Walt Disney’s Head” — PeterG
· “Just Look What It Does for Nipples!” — Nick Pollotta
· “Water, Sperm, Human Hearts…” — loves fresh sperm, personally
Flustered woman, about her brood: Have we lost anyone yet?
Husband: Ummm… No.
Flustered woman: Well, who are we going to lose first? Because we haven’t lost anyone yet.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Josh
Headline by: Aeirlys
Runners-Up:
· “Because Abortion THIS Late in the Term Is Just Tacky” — Hillary Claire
· “Hobos Aren’t Born. They’re Made.” — Krisztina
· “It Looked So Much Easier in Home Alone” — You Don’t Want To Know
· “Things Were Shaky Until Fraulein Maria Came Along” — allison
· “Two Roads Diverged in the Woods — I Chose the One My Children Couldn’t Travel” — Drewp
Guy: So how come we can’t try butt loving?
Girl: I’m saving it for my husband.
Guy: Are you serious? That’s like so…Victorian of you.
–Soda Bar, Vanderbilt Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: axamendes
Runners-Up:
· “Actually, It’s More Victor/Victorian.” — Faith
· “And Calling It ‘Butt Loving’ Isn’t?” — Ante K
· “Gives New Meaning to ‘Do You Have Price Albert in the Can?’ ” — Lydia
· “I Want a ‘Brown Wedding’ ” — clarence rosario
· “I’ll Even Show You My Ankles as I Give You a Rim Job” — sara swank
· “Jane Austen’s First Draft: ‘Reader, I Butt Loved Him.’ ” — Sarah
· “Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass” — Karlikitten
· “Next, on the History Channel: Felching During the Reign of King Richard” — Matt
· “Victorians Were So Anal!” — eighty4sapphire
· “Virginity, Fudged” — Sara
· “Yeah, I Know, But It’s the Only Thing Left in My Dowry” — ilemanzer
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist