Jock #1: Don’t you dare tell me that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. I’ll kick your ass.
Jock #2: Shut up, you know he doesn’t exist.
Jock #1: Then who the hell puts the presents under the tree?!
Jock #2: Your mom does!
Jock #3: I’d totally do your mom. No lie.
Jock #2: Me, too.
Jock #1: Santa exists, dammit!
–Midtown Direct train
Overheard by: Believes
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said “Come on, Mr California!” and I was like: “Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!”
–G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.
–Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!
–38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.
–43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.
–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
Professor guy: I was going to give you all a quiz today. But then I realized that it was Valentine’s Day. You’re supposed to do something for the people you love on Valentine’s Day. And of course, I love all of you very much. So…I decided to give you the quiz on pink paper instead!
–Columbia University
Teen boy #1: You should be a Pokemon for Halloween.
Teen boy #2: Like Jesus?
–Chambers St.
Girl: Dad, I know what we are getting mom for Hanukkah.
Dad: What?
Girl: New mascara, hers is getting lumpy.
Dad: I think she deserves more than that.
Girl: If you want to see what I want, you can look at the folder on my desktop.
–86th & 3rd Ave
Santa: Merry Christmas, young lady.
60-something woman: I’m old…
Santa: Well, I’m older… Look at my beard!
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: IS and JC
Queer: Does your family have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner?
Girl: We can’t have ham on Christmas, it isn’t kosher. We have turkey.
Queer: Why are you celebrating Christmas if you’re Jewish?
Girl: Dunno. Good question.
–East Village
Chick: Ugh! These aren’t even cold! I can’t believe this! Who’s the manager? I said, who’s the manager? Well, where is he?
Deli guy: Uh, over there.
Chick: Look! Look at these drinks! How do you expect me to drink these? They aren’t even cold!
Manager guy: We just put them in there.
Chick: I don’t care! I want a cold drink now!
Manager guy: I’m sorry you’re upset but it’s very hot today and we’re selling drinks faster than we can restock them.
Chick: I don’t care! I expect you to find me something cold to drink!
–Marche Madison, 74th & Madison
Overheard by: sarahg
Chick on cell: So, when are you going to watch the fireworks? Like, in the evening?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Andy Travis
Girl on cell: Mom, of course I’m not going to be there on Monday. It’s Columbus Day. Co-lum-bus. It’s a holiday.
–Broadway & 13th
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don’t have to. It’s free today. Tomorrow, New Year’s Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don’t know. They pay me to.
–UWS
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist