Italian father: Hey, son, look at this knee cap.
Son: Cool. What is that stuff?
Italian father: You see the part that looks like calamari? Well, that will give you trouble one day.
–Bodies Exhibition
Overheard by: hrln
Archive for the ‘Italians’ Category
Kind of Like the Ocean
Good looking Italian guy, chatting: I was changing the oil on my car. I figure it’s going to shoot out so I put the pail like a foot away. I turned the knob and…whush…all over me…my clothes.
Chubby friend: Good thing you didn’t get it in your mouth.
Italian guy: It doesn’t taste that bad.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Sibyl
Rabbi: No, that’s Totally Cool
Italian dude #1: No, it’s called Shalom in the Home. They send this Jewish guy in to tell you right from wrong.
Italian dude #2: They send some Jewish guy into your house?
Italian dude #1: Yeah, they send a Jewish guy in to, like, tell you if you’re doing something wrong.
Italian dude #2: So if you’re smokin’ crack, he’s all, ‘Don’t do that!’?
–Cooper & 67th, Glendale
Overheard by: Kimberlee
Like MTV Made, or What?
40-something drunk Italian man in polo short and jeans: They tried to make me a made man when I was 16. Do you get what I’m sayin? I’ve got fucking connections. I know Duke. I know my brother. I know my dad.
40-something white man in jeans, Hawaiian shirt and long blond wig: No, but these people own the Bronx.
40-something drunk Italian man in polo short and jeans: Why do you have to be a dick? I told you, they tried to make me. I said no, but I still know my dad and Duke. If they try to hit you again, I got you. (yelling) Do you understand what that means? Made man? I was almost made!
–Tompkins Square Park
I Was a Music-Video Hoochie Before I Found Allah
Italian man: It seems Americans can’t spell, like they don’t even have command of their own language.
Muslim woman wearing a burqa: Why should anyone learn to spell when all you have to do to get ahead in this country is show some crack? …if you know what I mean.
–Tillies, Brooklyn
Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner
Big, Italian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don’t just get them ’cause you want them!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: I hated braces
30-something woman to friend: I started getting cavities after I started making out with boys.
–Queens
Overheard by: Angela
Drunk guy: I wasn’t having a heart attack, I was at the dentist!
–M60 Bus
Happy tall man on cell: Alright, nigga, brush your teef and all that, I wanna get high!
–111th & Lenox Ave
How Carlo Ended Up in Iraq
Confused Italian tourist: Excuse me, this go to South Ferry?
Guy: Yes. It’s the last stop.
Confused Italian tourist: How I tell?
Guy: What? It’s the last stop.
Confused Italian tourist: How I tell? How I know?
Guy: All the other tourists will get off! Follow the people like you.
Confused Italian tourist: No! How I tell!
Guy: That guy with the camera… follow him!
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Spoke Italian but was feeling unhelpful
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
NYU guy: I’m like a centaur, if ya know what I mean.
–University & 4th St
Overheard by: sarah
Female hipster to friends: Well, vampires are the new zombies!
–147th & Convent
Thuggish straight guy to another: Oh, I’d much rather be a faggot than a demon, dawg.
–Park Ave & Spring St
Overheard by: Christopher Schulz
Interviewer, trying to convince interviewee: There’s not much of a future in being an elf.
–Macy’s
Italian woman, staring at guy wearing Ghostbusters t‑shirt: You donta lika da ghosts?
–Meatpacking District
Overheard by: Looking for my proton pack
“That’sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!”
Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they’re smelling pot, when really they’re just smelling Italians.
–Hammerstein Ballroom Men’s Room
Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Kayla Monetta
Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, “you smell like Italian.”
–E 10th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: molina1230
Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I’m Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.
–Brooklyn Botanic Garden
College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.
–Brooklyn College
Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you’ve had Italian food, you’re not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I’m going to go home and just go to sleep!
–8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Not hungry either
When In Doubt, Disguise Yourself As Daniel Powter
Old Italian cop to Jamaican dude he just pulled over: Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Jamaican dude: Me love you lately.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Only in Brooklyn
