Red State Girl: Is that a hammer in your bag?
Dealer: Yeah. It’s a metaphor. ‘Cause Jesus was a carpenter, see. And I walk with Jesus.
Red State Girl: Oh.
–29th Street & 7th Ave.
Overheard by: M. Martin
Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category
Saviors: Gotta Catch ’em All!
Teen boy #1: You should be a Pokemon for Halloween.
Teen boy #2: Like Jesus?
–Chambers St.
Sacred Mysteries Are Wasted on the Young
Teen #1: Can I have a piece of gum? My mouth tastes weird.
Teen #2: Dude, you can’t eat Jesus and expect it to taste good.
–Cathedral of St. John the Divine
Overheard by: Piously laughing
Mary Magdalene Was a Preppy Asian Chick?
Preppy Asian girl #1: Look! The crazy religious people gave me a key chain.
Preppy Asian girl #2: What’s it say?
Preppy Asian girl #1: That I’m number one with Jesus.
Preppy Asian girl #2: I don’t think Jesus will appreciate the fact that you’re a slut.
–N Train
But It’s Jewish with a Big Hole in It
Chick #1: What did you do with that bagel I gave you?
Chick #2: I threw it away. I’m fasting today.
Chick #1: You can’t throw away bread!
Chick #2: Why not?
Chick #1: It’s the body of Christ!
Chick #2: It can’t be the body of Christ; it’s a bagel!
–Office, 53rd & Madison
Overheard by: greek goddess
Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled
Professor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (silence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that obviously you don’t know?
–NYU Law School
Overheard by: Ames
Professor: My favorite words to hear are “just do nothing.” My second favorites are “open bar.”
–College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx
Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue… Miss Palin, your table is ready.
–Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Linguistics professor, about Spanish-speaking families who live in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods: The only English these people hear is from their landlords and social workers.
–NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Latka Hero
NYU professor: So we’re going to be walking, and you’ll notice I walk pretty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re supposed to walk like you know exactly where you’re going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, people.
–NYU Classroom
Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!
–NYU Classroom
How Could This Not Work?
Odd-Looking guy: Attention, humans. I am an angel. An Earth angel. I used to speak on behalf of Jesus Christ, but I have been promoted to be an angel on Earth, to teach others how to become earth angels. I can teach you how to become an Earth angel. I can only teach females.
–Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: Shira
And That Turd Looks a Lot More Like St. Ignatius
Little boy: I see Jesus, I see Jesus!!
Mother, pulling on little boys arm: Stop using that word, Billy!
–Ladies Room, Brooklyn Restaurant
There’s No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–7 Train
Overheard by: Kristen
20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with “and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he’s a fuckin’ asshole.”
–1 Train
Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can’t do it anymore.
–L Train
Overheard by: I agree…
Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.
–D Train
20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.
–Barnes & Noble Cafe
Woman in Jesus t‑shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Penny
Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.
–Uptown 4 Train
None of My Relationships Are Any of Your Business
Man reciting gospel on a train: And you, sir, have you accepted Jesus into your life?
Passenger: A long time ago, baby. Now fuck off.
–1 Train
