Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now

Big muscular man on cell: It’s so damn hot, I’m glad I’m not wearing makeup.

–Outside Tribeca Deli

Overheard by: Akiko

Conductor: This is 42^nd Street, Times Square. Number 3 train across the platform. Get it while it’s hot!

–Downtown 1 Train

Elderly black woman to no one in particular: It’s so hot my pussy is melting!

–12^th & Broadway

Overheard by: lemchek

Enthusiastic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to marry him!

–Thompson & W 3^rd St

Guy: I’m telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from under my towel and fell on the floor… like they was trying to escape or something.

–Starbucks

Dude to friend: I wanna say she’s hot… But I mean she looks like the type of girl who accepts Discover.

–The Village

Wednesday One-Loiners

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I’ll put that fuckin’ falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4^th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don’t have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don’t care who you are, if you’re racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR‑y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn’t have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I’m serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don’t know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

And I Only Do Anal with Priests

Jock: So, maybe you and I could… have coffee or lunch some time?
Religious chick: Sorry, I only date guys who are saved.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: cindy hawkins

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G‑spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Wednesday One-Liners Bust Out One-Armed Pushups for Fun

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’m like a hardcore rollerblader now. I just haven’t learned how to stop yet.

–44^th & 3^rd

Steroid Freak: So I was hanging from his torso and then we tried to insert the triangle…

–25^th & Lexington

Young man to friend: He likes me, he likes my style… he wants me to contort my limbs on a float.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Bored teenage girl (from 2^nd story window): Hello, Mr Runner man! You’ve got a long way to go! I see you across the street there, wearing all black. These are words of encouragement! I support your acts of fitness!

–Vanderbilt & Bergen

Overheard by: Jilly

Female power-walker with cigarette: I used to be able to make a mile in under 7, but that was, you know, way back in college, before the job and the (runs out of breath) …way back.

–Prospect Park Loop

Overheard by: EmLo

It’s High Noon on Wednesday One-Liners’ Sun Dials

Girl to boyfriend: Your idea of romance is an 8‑ball and trying to get a hard-on!

–12^th & Broadway

Preppy girl: Nothing turns me on like carbon monoxide!

–Lucky Jack’s

Overheard by: Argopelter

Excited suit: He came out of the womb with a woody!

–1^st Ave & 10^th

Overheard by: moodle

Girl on cell: I heart you like an erection!

–34^th & 2^nd

Jock/pretty boy: Dude, I don’t know why but she’d always give me boners in the middle of class.

–St Marks & 2^nd Ave

Chick: It’s all erections and prostates, erections and prostates! Could we have our check, please?

–Arctica Bar & Grill, 3^rd Ave & 27^th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

And You Thought German Discipline Was Tough.

Stereotypical jock, loudly: Man, I cant wait till we’re back on dry land!
Scottish flight attendant: I can end that wait if you don’t lower your voice.

–Flight Departing JFK

The Gang War Was Just a Smokescreen

Blond high school Long Island girl: Well, I don’t think she’s that pretty.
Blond high school jock: You’re wrong. That girl is so hot! She’s the reason why we have cameras in our school.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: miki

Further Evidence That You Get a Little Something Extra with a Columbia Education

Columbia jock #1: Bro, do they have chocolate milk here?
Columbia jock #2: They have chocolate syrup and milk. You have to do it yourself. DYO.
(5 seconds later) Wait…

–Barnard College Dining Hall

Strictly Speaking, It’d Be Coo-Coo

Jock #1: You know what would be cool?
Jock #2: No, what?
Jock #1: Using chocolate milk in cereal!
Jock #2: Oh man, like with cocoa puffs? Can you imagine how insane that would be?

–Supermarket, Upper West Side

Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Jocks’ Category