Drunk guy #1: Yo, how funny was that when I told him, ‘Dude, just stick your balls in her mouth’? Remember that?
Drunk guy #2: Ewww, man, his balls are disgusting!
–LIRR
Overheard by: mrbojangles
Archive for the ‘Nostalgia’ Category
She’s More Like Blanche Devereaux Every Day
Queer: Who’s up there?
Woman: Madonna.
Queer: Oh, well, I figured, obviously. I’d recognize her back anywhere.
–Times Square
Queer: Oh my God, are they Voguing? That is so 1990.
–Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low
Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.
–St. Marks & 3rd Ave
Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?
–D train
Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan
Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.
–Magnolia Bakery
Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’
–Grand Central Station
British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.
–Varick & King St
Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’
–Columbia campus
Overheard by: Cheney
Just Don’t Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt
Bimbette daughter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were little?
Old hippie father: Yeah, before I moved to Oregon. We had cows.
Bimbette daughter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hippie father: Yeah, but cows don’t help with household chores, though. Only crocodiles can do that.
Bimbette daughter: Word.
–Barnes & Noble
A Sadder Version of Dot-coming
Guy #1: Oh man, they have the old GI Joe figures for sale on this site.
Guy #2: Oh shit, really? That’s awesome.
Guy #3: Yo, what site are you guys looking at?
Guy #4: www.neverbeenlaid.org.
–Starbucks, 7th between 49th & 50th
Overheard by: Jon
When Snobs Sing Country Music
Curly-haired girl: When I think back on all the prestigious internships I had… I really regret how awkward I was.
Friend: (nods vigorously)
–Union Square
Overheard by: Trist
Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back
Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said “But the party just started, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nigga please! My water just broke!”
–Lower East Side
Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we’re people too.
–181 & St Nicholas
Overheard by: must not have liked you
Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.
–NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Dayn
Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bringing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!
–7th & 13th St
Overheard by: can I come to that party?
Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn’t you invite to your party? Damn…c’mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right – that was me! She was giving us both head.
–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea
20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Jazz
I’m Too Sexy for My Wednesday One-Liners.
Comedian guy with flyer: Girl, you have some sexy nostrils!
–Broadway
Gay man to another: Next Halloween I am going to be a sexy tub of lard.
–Broadway & Spring
20-something hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was supposed to go as a water-boarding torture victim, which is hilarious, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* water-boarding torture victim, which is better than being, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that’s not funny.
–Q Train
Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Island was hot! I mean “sexy.” I mean it was… Bam!
–Neptune Ave
Overheard by: taylor
Girl on cell: It’s really not like a sexy stabbing.
–Centre St
Wednesday One-Liners Say a Mouthful
Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can’t be Facebook friends?
–20th St & 6th Ave
Guy to buddies in the passing Skyfari car: Yo, that building over there… That’s the building where I got that $5 blowjob.
–Skyfari, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Stefan Yonker
Young man, dismissively: I could fucking suck cocks for a living, it doesn’t matter!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Middle schooler, wrestling in Aids memorial: Ooops, I sucked your dick!
–Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Nina & Phil
Middle-school girl to mother: My e‑mail password is “blowjob”.
–L Train
Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don’t Eat One-Liners
Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I’m asking help from all of you so I don’t wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability – I became a vegetarian.
–Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian
Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I’ve been a vegan for 30 years. You’re embarrassing me. Why do you do that?
–F Train
Overheard by: AeC
Guy: Yo, I’m vegetarian now, I don’t eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin’ back to me!
–Manna’s
Overheard by: eatinginharlem
Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Meat Eater
Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I’m a vegan.
–Brother Jimmy’s BBQ, 31st St
