Young punk #1: Where's the fucking n train? Can we get NRW in this shit… (pause) So my friend was all coked out and fucking this girl in the ass, then he totally lost it and started pissing right in her asshole.
Young punk #2: Woah…did she notice?
Young punk #1: Of course she noticed, he was pissing in her fucking asshole! (train arrives) Oh, sweet, it's the n!
Young punk #2: Yes! Astoria represent!
–Union Square, Waiting for the NRW
And Why Can’t Fully-Clothed Cousins Take Hot, Wet Photographs of Wallets?
Girl: I’ll bring my wallet to showers, which is exactly what I did last time!
Guy: Hot, hot. What else do you bring to showers?
Girl: Clothes? My camera!
Guy: Oooh! Wait, are these discussions normal for us? You’re my cousin.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Chiyo
No, That’s Pretty Much Judaism
Girl #1: I really like matzoh bread.
Girl #2: Yeah, my friend makes it really amazing because she fries it in butter and sugar. It’s so good.
Girl #1: Wait, is that allowed? I thought matzoh was supposed to be about suffering.
–Lafayette Street Residence
Oh, a Bonobo?
Girl: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Boy: Fabulous?
–Balducci’s
Overheard by: That’s not an animal
Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence
Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago. –34th & 7th Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face. –33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria Overheard by: Wade Woman: It’s not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her! –Penn Station Overheard by: Cha Guy on cell: Yes, I’m interested in your sparring class…No, you see I want to hit somebody. –Bryant Park Overheard by: Braincurve Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don’t care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock. –Central Park
Wish I Could Say the Same
Girl #1: I can’t believe you fucked him in my bed!
Girl #2: Well, I made sure that he didn’t cum on your sheets!
Girl #1: How thoughtful of you.
–Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Snorted through my nose
(Sung to the Tune of The Hokey Pokey)
Thug on cell, after helping an old women with a walker out of the doorway: Yeah, man, you know me. Slashing tires and rapin’ women, that’s what I’m all about. –Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn Overheard by: InnocentlyEvil
He Tricked Me!
Cute girl #1: So you know how my New Year's resolution was to… keep my legs closed a little better?
Cute girl #2: Yes. I did know that. Good one.
Cute girl #1: Well, I had my first slip-up in upholding it.
Cute girl #2: But it's January 2!
–Bleecker & Bowery
Overheard by: Unimpressed, but amused
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Crash Moment
Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I really don’t know how she can be my sister. Our birthdays are exactly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned. –B48 bus, Brooklyn Overheard by: eefers Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV. –B61 bus, Brooklyn Lady to friend: Your black ass is going to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nuclear war. –116th & Broadway White girl to another: So, what’s your dream ethnicity? –Q train, Canal St Big black guy: I love Old Navy because it’s like GAP, but for black people. –Old Navy, 6th Ave Conductor: Next stop, Penn Station. Black power, motherfuckers. –2 train, 42nd St
Watching Organic and Inorganic Chemists Dance-Fight Like the Sharks and the Jets
Professor, rolling up a blackboard to reveal a second blackboard that is covered in general chemistry: Oh god! Oh god…get it off! Ew!
(class laughs)
Professor: No, not the ideal gas law! We don't need that, we're organic chemists! There is no such thing as gas! No such thing as gas!
Student #1: Organic chemists are very sensitive.
Student #2: This is kind of tragic.
–Organic Chem Class, Barnard
Overheard by: Vicksburg