Wednesday One-Liners Throw Their Pennies Down the Well

Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.

–34th & 8th

Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn’t being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.

–Chinatown

Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you’ll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.

–4 train

Overheard by: Fagat

Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby’s mama!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Hipster: … So he said, ‘I wish Jesus was alive now. I’d invite him to join MySpace.com and I’d force him to be my friend.’

–Q train crossing the East River

Overheard by: Beth Smith

She Had a Featured Solo in Backside Story

Man, during intermission of Chicago: Did you see the chorus girl with the long auburn hair?
Woman: Yeah?
Man: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her in porn on the internet.
Woman, annoyed: Well, when we get home maybe you can find out for sure.
Man: I’m not saying she can’t sing!

–Ambassador Theatre, W 49th

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Did Coke in the ’80s

Young lady yuppie on cell: It is a perfectly normal fear to be afraid of bubbles!

–83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: KS

Yuppie chick holding hands with yuppie boyfriend: Penis, penis, penis, penis.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: sarah

Yuppie chick on cell: The thing about my ex is it’s, like, the story of ‘If you give a mouse a fucking cookie, I mean, eventually he’ll want to climb into bed with you and have you read him a fucking bedtime story.’

–Rector St

Yuppie: Let’s go find my ex-fiance and beat her up.

–46th & 8th

New York City Is a Rich Cultural Tapestry.

Drunk black girl #1: Ew!Those plaid pants are fuckin ugly.
Drunk black girl #2: (laughs)
Queer non-athlete: Excuse me!
Drunk black girl #1: Yes?
Queer: My pants are not ugly and they are not plaid! Get it right, it’s madras!
Drunk black girl #1: Right… and madras is a form of plaid!
Drunk black girl #2: Haha! Dumbass.
Queer: Yeah, well you bitches are just racist!
Drunk black girl #2: What the hell does race have to do with this? You’re pants are ugly. Face facts.
Queer: Cause if I was black you wouldn’t have said anything!
Drunk black girls, simultaneously: If you were black you wouldn’t be wearing those ugly ass pants!
(queer stomps down train car, finds a seat and sulks. Drunk white girl approaches black girls)
Drunk white girl: Hey, guys.
Drunk black girl #1: Sup?
Drunk white girl: I feel bad, that was my friend, you know.
Drunk black girl #2: Oh. Well, you should be a good friend and tell him not to come out dressed like that.

–Crowded L Trian

Overheard by: Drunk and Laughing Friend who totally agrees


No, Seriously — Let’s Hit It

Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Man, what are you excusing me about? Fuck you!
Old Chinese lady: Fuck me? Ok, take‑a off the pant.

Stairway in silence.

Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Sure thing, ma’am. I’m sorry.
Chinese kid: And that’s why we respect our elders. 

–Canal St station

…Don’t Tell Me You Germans Aren’t Organized!

Elderly Jewish woman trying to get a passport: No, I don’t have a copy of my marriage certificate. I got married in a concentration camp.
Overzealous German bureaucrat: Well, you need to have a copy of your marriage license.
Elderly Jewish woman: Are you kidding me? They won’t even let me show my kids where I got married because I don’t have documentation. What’s the address I should write to? You have that there?

–German Consulatt

Overheard by: Megan