Are You Fuck­ing With Me, Ma’am?

An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: If you get the ap­ple pome­gran­ate body but­ter…
Weary brunette: I on­ly see the dis­play.
An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: We have more in the back. Okay, well, if you get two or more prod­ucts from the bath line, like this and our show­er gel, you get a free bath­tub!
Weary brunette: Huh?
(an­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl points to a lit­tle plas­tic bath­tub)
Weary brunette: That’s… tiny. Like, I love the scent but I’m afraid I don’t have any kit­tens or fe­tus­es to bathe in that tiny tiny tub.

–Sepho­ra, Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Paid Fri­day

Man look­ing at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the na­tion­al deficit.

–Union Square

Em­ploy­ee: Shit, I don’t have no pen­nies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Gra­ham Ave

Girl: Non-prof­it groups are, like, so non-lu­cra­tive!

–Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: Pants

Spas­tic kid: All I have to my name is a cig­a­rette and two Saca­gawea coins!

–Web­ster Hall

Over­heard by: Jess Co­hennnnn

JAP on cell: I had a night­mare last night that Mom can­celed my cred­it card state­ment… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweat­ing!

–NYU

Over­heard by: glam­our­charm

Chick: ‘In­suf­fi­cient fare’?! What does that mean?

–7th Ave sub­way sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Dropped Out of Lamaze

Girl: And it’s, like, strike two. You’re to­tal­ly not get­ting a ba­by gift when I find out you’re preg­gers on Face­book.

–M23 bus

Suit on cell: My dad was mak­ing out with the nurse while I was be­ing born…

–Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: Miss Rach

Home­less la­dy: God’s preg­nant! He wants the city dead! God’s preg­nant!

–46th St & 5th Ave

Young boy pump­ing arms at sides and thrust­ing pelvis: Fer­til­ize me!

–Star­bucks

The Unit­ed States of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Hobo: You want to know why Amer­i­ca is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.

–53rd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Ram­blin Bradley Scott

Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hear­ing about Gaza. So many peo­ple get­ting shot…it just sounds like LA.

–86th & CPW

Girl: “AKA” means “oth­er­wise known as.” This is Amer­i­ca!

–23 Street C sta­tion

Hip­ster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grand­ma what?…Ew!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Shawn Chester­field

Hobo: I wish all of Amer­i­ca was in Jor­dan.

–Stuyvesant Park

Woman: …It’s not the mon­ey I’m wor­ried about, it’s just that
Hobo­ken taxi dri­vers are shit­heads.

–Of­fice, 50th & 6th

Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I sup­posed to find a hook­er? This is­n’t Las Ve­gas!

–54th & 6th

Over­heard by: Eface

Tourist man: One way tick­et to Hew­ston please.

–50th Street 1 sta­tion

Tur­baned white guy: Well, ob­vi­ous­ly I’m Amer­i­can, but my pre­ferred re­li­gion is Pun­jabi.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: misha

Suit: Hawaii is so bor­ing! There’s noth­ing to do but stay calm.

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton

Girl: Have you been to the rest of the coun­try? The rest of the coun­try is not New York. They ob­vi­ous­ly don’t know any­thing about fash­ion.

–Shea Sta­di­um