Queer #1, to girl in Red Sox shirt: The Red Sox are fabulous!
Queer #2: Can you be any more gay?
–West 4th & Perry
What the Inventors of Nickelodeon Gak Were Going For
Girl #1: Is that cum?
Girl #2: Yes, green cum.
–W 47th & 5th
Overheard by: Holly
Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Bottle
Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!
–1 train
Overheard by: ana
Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…
–6 train
Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…
Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!
–10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: Elliott
Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.
–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave
Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.
–L train, Montrose Ave stop
Overheard by: Emily
You’re Not a Real New Yorker ‘Til You’ve Been Reprimanded by a Tranny
Toddler, screaming: Eeeeeeaaaaaeeeeeeaaaaeeeeeeee.
Tranny woman: Oh my gawd, you so need to win American Idol!
Toddler: …
–F Train
Overheard by: Faye
Thank Goodness I Had This Envelope to Blow My Nose On!
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I’m running late. I’m just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold…
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait… It’s my turn… I’m actually in line at the post office… Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!
–Post Office, London Terrace
Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel
Your American Beer Is Like Squeezings from My Weimeraner
Man: Hey, are you guys from Germany?
Tourists: Ja?
Man: I’ll tell you one good thing about Germany — the beer, the food, and the women.
Tourist: Ja.
–N train
Overheard by: Don Willmott
They Hide the Clitoris in the Socket
Professor guy: You see, anamorphic art is all about perceptions; if you look at this image in the right way you’ll see a skull.
Dude: I don’t believe you.
Professor guy: Well then, I suggest you come and try to discover it yourself; it’s like finding the G‑spot, kids.
–Manhattan College
Overheard by: Boconnor
Masturbate to Catwoman Porn?
Middle-aged female employee: What are you going to do while I’m gone?
Young male employee: I dunno — whatever Batman does when Alfred’s not around.
–Wendy’s, 33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
“Barnard, barnyard. In any case, it was full of pigs.”
Woman: Maybe I didn’t find Barnard that easily, but I sure found the zoo all right.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
It’s Not As If Bullets Hurt Him
Guy: Did you hear that the dude who shot the Pope got let go from jail?
Girl: Yeah, and the Pope forgave him and everything.
Guy: Wow, I totally want to shoot the Pope now!
Girl: Yeah, he’d probably be cool with it.
–E train
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
