And Mom­ma Bear Said, “This Ad­vice Is Too Friend­ly”

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to an ear­li­er in­ci­dent, all Sixth Av­enue line trains are run­ning over the Eighth Av­enue line. Please be pa­tient.
Con­fused tourist la­dy: What does that even mean? I don’t un­der­stand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the or­ange line you trans­fer at the next sta­tion like nor­mal, but in­stead of go­ing down­stairs you just wait on that plat­form for the train you want.
Mid­dle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not or­ange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Re­al New York­ers don’t call it the or­ange line.
Suit: Hey, la­dy, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train ap­proach­ing W 4th St

Who Put the Bomp in the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Blind pan­han­dler, singing: Amaz­ing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see… If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on, hon­ey, let me know…

–N train

Over­heard by: Dan McIn­er­ney

His­pan­ic man singing loud­ly to tune of ‘Yel­low Sub­ma­rine’: We all live in your moth­er’s dun­ga­rees, your moth­er’s dun­ga­rees, your moth­er’s dun­ga­rees…

–35th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: CCF

Hobo singing to him­self: I want to eat pussy, I want to eat pussy.

–Hud­son & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Some­one in a Tree

Street cor­ner freestyler: You can’t send me back like Elian, what the hel­lian?

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Four-year-old, singing: We in the bed like, ‘Oooh, oooh, oooh, like oooh, oooh, oooh!’

–1 train, 116th St stop

Con­duc­tor, rap­ping: If you hold the doors while the train’s in the sta­tion, we will be de­layed get­ting to our des­ti­na­tion, and you will find your­self in a sit­u­a­tion.

–A train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Bone­less Ones in Sauce

Old la­dy #1: Well, then my grand­son and his friends went over to Hoot­ers. You know, Hoot­ers the restau­rant? Do you know what hoot­ers are?
Old la­dy #2: Big boo­bies?

–Guy & Gal­lard Deli, 6th & 37th

Over­heard by: Michelle S.

Maybe That Worked on Your Mor­mon Girl­friend

Skin­ny white guy: I’m like, re­al­ly ex­cit­ed for that Is­rael pa­rade. Like, I think it will be a re­al­ly nice ex­pe­ri­ence for me.
Jew­ish girl: Mmh­mm.
Skin­ny white guy: No, I’m se­ri­ous. I love Jews. And like, I’m not just say­ing it to get in­to your pants.

–Penn Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pub­lish or Per­ish

Pro­fes­sor: I’m gonna show you a lit­tle old in­ser­tion trick that my grand­moth­er taught me. It works great.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: wba2101

Pro­fes­sor: Every­one is here ex­cept the per­son who is not here.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: ClaR­i­ty

Latin pro­fes­sor: So, what Tibul­lus is try­ing to say is that old women have to be in the beau­ty par­lor a lot! Beau­ty does­n’t come as eas­i­ly as when you’re 18 and al­ways look­ing great… Well, I sup­pose that’s not ex­act­ly true. As I look around the room, I see that some­times you girls could use some work in the morn­ings.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Pro­fes­sor: My wife has many male friends… I don’t ask ques­tions.

–NYU

Law pro­fes­sor: It’s pos­si­ble… Just like it’s pos­si­ble I’ll get rap­tured at any minute.

–NYU Law School