Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Up to FAA Regulations

Ticket agent: Due to recent security restrictions, no one will be allowed onboard with any liquages. No liquages are allowed onboard the aircraft.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Liz

Pilot: Those of you who require wheelchair assistance, please remain seated.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: able to stand

Pilot: Attention, passengers… this is your pilot from the flight deck. We’ve just been given notice that we’re now number two for takeoff, so we should be getting off the ground in just a moment… so if you could all do me a favor and make sure that all your windows are rolled up, because we’re about to go really really fast. Thanks for your patience.

–JFK

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain will be dimming the cabin lighting for the remainder of the flight in order to enhance the appearance of the person sitting next to you. Individual lights are located above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the person sitting next to you.

–JetBlue

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to power off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like control-alt-delete on your computer.

–LaGuardia

Flight attendant: Wow, that pilot really doesn’t know how to fly!

–Boarding Gate, Delta Marine Air Terminal

Overheard by: Daniel

Okay, That Comes With Almond Milk

Guest #1: For me, I'll have the porridge.
Server: Okay, that's comes with almond milk.
Guest #1: So, is that a kind of soy milk?
Server: No. Well, it's like soy milk, I mean, they're made about the same way only this is made with almonds.
Guest #1: So, there is soy in almond milk?
Guest #2: No, she told it was made with almonds.
Server: No, there are no soybeans in almond milk.
Guest #1: Oh, okay. I'll have the porridge.

–Restaurant, Union Square