If Paris Hilton Comes In­to Red Lob­ster, We’ll Dis­cuss It

Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We’re from Texas! Why, could you hear our ac­cents over there?
Woman: No, it’s be­cause in New York we know that you can’t bring dogs in­to restau­rants.
Tourist: You can’t?
Woman: No, you can’t. We work for the De­part­ment of Pub­lic Health. Con­sid­er this a warn­ing.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok be­cause y’all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.

–Red Lob­ster, Times Square

Over­heard by: Lynne & Craig

One Won­ders Why He Does­n’t Sim­ply Rep­re­sent Him­self

Young black guy #1: Be­ing a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don’t have to know noth­ing about noth­ing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I’d like to be a lawyer. I don’t want to go to court or noth­ing, just have the ti­tle.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the crim­i­nals they de­fend.
Young black guy #2: So, what’s hap­pen­ing with your case?
Young black guy #1: It’s get­ting dis­missed, or I’m plead­ing guilty or some­thing.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest John­nie Cochran’s soul.

–Food Court, Con­course Plaza, Bronx

Over­heard by: Lawyer

Are Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fun­ny Ha-Ha, or Fun­ny-Pe­cu­liar?

Guy eat­ing pan­cakes: Every­thing’s fun­ny in ret­ro­spect, like the time I got that screw­driv­er stuck in my eye.

–IHOP, Brook­lyn

An­cient Greek civ­i­liza­tion pro­fes­sor: A sex­u­al act, in some sense, for an ob­serv­er is fun­ny.

–Hunter Col­lege

Crazy la­dy: All the pros­ti­tutes need to be round­ed up and stuck in church­es! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s fun­ny? It’s not gonna be fun­ny when you are in a hos­pi­tal ad­dict­ed to crack!

–Wa­ter St & Broad St

Girl to her friend: Would­n’t it be fun­ny if hu­man be­ings could on­ly walk for­ward and back­wards?

–8th St & 2nd Ave

La­dy sit­ting with girl­friends: It’s fun­ny be­cause I’m preg­nant, and he does­n’t know.

–Star­bucks

Drunk­en Jets fan to friends in Jets jer­seys: That’s not fun­ny. You want to see some­thing fun­ny? (grabs wood­en sign­post, slams fore­head in­to it) That’s fun­ny!

–W 4th & Bar­row

Over­heard by: ji­ra mon­key

Which Is My De­fault An­swer for All Is­sues In­volv­ing Men

50-some­thing woman to cowork­er at Burg­er King: And he said, “Why you al­ways com­ing in here, dressed up like you’re at the beach? What is that?” And I was like, “Yeah, please, put me on a re­al beach, in like Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic or some­thing.“
Cowork­er: He prob­a­bly just want­ed to see you in your biki­ni.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: … But I know I would­n’t