Now, Less Than Ever

Sales­guy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find any­thing?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The per­fume’s too much for us.
Sales­guy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out even­tu­al­ly.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Am­bu­lances are bad for busi­ness.
Sales­guy: I’ve al­ways want­ed to ride in the back of an am­bu­lance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Ac­tu­al­ly, it’s a bit of a role re­ver­sal. We’re wait­ing for my hus­band to fin­ish shop­ping.
Sales­guy: Oh, which one is your hus­band?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Sales­guy: The one with the pony­tail? Looks like a vam­pire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Sales­guy: Boy, you’re one lucky la­dy.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Sales­guy: Hey, does he have a broth­er?
Chick #1: Yes.
Sales­guy: Just kid­ding. Does he have a sis­ter?
Chick #1: No.
Sales­guy: Oh. Well, I was still kid­ding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Out­side The Body Shop, 76th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was “If I Could Turn Back Time”?

[“Um­brel­la” by ri­han­na is be­ing loud­ly played.]Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is to­tal­ly what you hear be­fore you start shoot­ing kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, ex­cuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it’s like your pump-up jam.

–E 10th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Dy­ing of laugh­ter

That Was Ac­tu­al­ly His Cam­paign Slo­gan

An­tho­ny Wein­er and what ap­pears to be 3 of his staff get out of a black Chevy Im­pala with tints and a spoil­er.

Stoned kid #1: Dude it’s An­tho­ny Wein­er.
Stoned kid #2: Who?
Stoned kid #1: An­tho­ny Weiner…the Con­gress­man. He lives right there.

Stoned kid #2 looks back

Stoned kid #2: Hey Wein­er! You’re a Wein­er!

–As­can Ave & Burns St, For­est Hills

Over­heard by: Pe­ter Sip­sas

The Au Jus Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

11 year-old boy throw­ing wa­ter bal­loon back and forth: It’s like a hy­men, per­fect­ly in­tact af­ter a mi­nor rape! (bal­loon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hy­men juices!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to an­oth­er: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not go­ing to ejac­u­late! (re­peats it over and over)

–D Train

Over­heard by: seat chang­er

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty peo­ple suck.

–W 23rd Street

Over­heard by: Cool and Dry

Lit­tle girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m drip­ping cum!

–Hes­ter & Allen

Over­heard by: low­er east side