Suit #1: So I’d been working out for two hours a day, almost daily, for a few months.
Suit #2: How was that?
Suit #1: Well I wasn’t losing any weight, so then I remembered… I’m really rich, I could just get lipo.
–Nassau & Wall St.
Overheard by: slave for the man
Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven’t showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please… I’ll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.
–Long Beach bound LIRR
Posh woman #1: Oh, do you remember our friend’s brother? The one who committed suicide?
Posh woman #2: Yeah…
Posh woman #1: Well, turns out he didn’t kill himself — he had a sex change.
–17th & 3rd
Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I’m so fat.
Ordinary girl: No you’re not. You just got a little belly.
Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah…I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size.
Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.
–NYU
Woman, 50s: “You look so rested, so refreshed. Have you lost weight?” That’s what you want them to say. Not, “you look like you’ve had 3 inches of skin on your face tightened.”
Friend, 50s: Did you go back to work right after?
Woman, 50s: Not right after. Because of the bruising. But it’s New York. I could have 2 heads and no one would notice.
–Ollie’s, UWS
Overheard by: TG
Hobo #1: Yesterday was about embarrassing questions, like “what is a fart?”, or “what is a belch?” Or “why does my pussy stink?” Or “what is plastic surgery?” And they show portions of plastic surgery. And it’s a program that I really connected to… It has the highest ratings. I’m up at six o’clock, walking my cats, waking my ass up.
Hobo #2: Yeah, I watch that show too…
Hobo #1 interrupting: No, that’s not the same that some acting tv dramas. This ’bout real shit, it’s about real questions and real answers. Most people don’t even know what their bodies look like. But they got psychologists, they got surgeons…
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: typing it all into my blackberry as fast as I could
Big black crossdresser: Oh honey, I know that no amount of surgery is going to make me a diva!
–3 Train
Overheard by: Kailee McMahon
Mother to small daughter: Honey, don’t forget to wash your hands. (girl scrubs hands for a long time) Honey, you aren’t getting ready to perform surgery. Hurry up.
–Women’s Bathroom, The Met
Man: He had to have his top hat surgically removed.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Kevin
Intern: Latex gloves are for killing people, surgery and dying your hair.
–1501 Broadway
Overheard by: Randi
Loud woman on phone: Yeah, he got his tubes clipped this weekend. He’s been fixed! Oh, but don’t tell anyone, he doesn’t want anybody to know.
–Dunkin Donuts
Girl on cell: How did teaching go? How was the surgery? Did human skin taste good?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: The Poogtastic One
Father: So what kind of doctor is that?
Five children (chorus): Plastic surgeon!
Father: That’s right. A plastic surgeon fixes people’s faces when people are on fire.
–Pike & Division
Overheard by: Jena
Ingenue: She looks good for her age.
Jaded older woman: Botox and lifts.
Ingenue: At least her hair is natural.
Jaded older woman: You kidding? She dyes every week.
Ingenue: Her teeth.
Jaded older woman: Please.
Ingenue: Why do I feel guilty just talking to you?
–Front & Wall Streets
Overheard by: Feeling Guilty for Just Listening
Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?
–Starbucks, The Villiage
Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard
Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen…
–Washington Square South
Overheard by: Tyler
Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot?
–The Met
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.
–231st & Broadway
Overheard by: KK
Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles.
–East Houston St, near BHSEC
MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!
−−4÷5÷6 train underpass, 59th St
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist