Serious, conservative, aspiring journalist to another: Something I’ve been working on a lot, I might not write it for publication but at least for my own enjoyment, you know, I’ve been writing a report on the culture of defecation.
Other journalist: Nice! I’ve been thinking a lot about that.
–In Line for Guggenheim Museum
Drunk girl #1 coughs.
Drunk girl #2: If you vomit, I swear to God this friendship is over.
–Bleecker St
Overheard by: kellianne
Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!
–50th b/w 8th & 9th
Hip dude: I was like: “Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit.”
–W 4th
Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?
–Apple Store, 5th Ave
Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!
–53rd & 7th Ave
Dude #1: I didn’t brush my tongue this morning.
Dude #2: Yeah, I didn’t have a cigarette.
Dude #1: No, I saw a sign that said, “Have you brushed your tongue today?”
Dude #3: No, you just have to go to the bathroom and throw up a little and then you’ll be all set.
–Union Square
Overheard by: tanechka
Guy #1: So, she was eventually diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. No, not Stockholm syndrome… Munchausen by proxy.
Guy #2: Is that where you make your kid sick to get attention?
Guy #1: Yeah. I mean, who feeds their newborn feces? Who does that?
–21st St & 6th Ave
Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!
–Prince & MacDougal
Overheard by: Yann
Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!
–12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Thompson
Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do – ? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!
–98th & Lex
Overheard by: Laughing my ass off
Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!
–28th St & 8th Ave
Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!
–48th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Guido #1: She was givin’ me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that’s what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Scotty H
Hipster Guy #1: So, every morning you eat shit for breakfast?
Hipster Guy #2: Yeah!
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Kathleen
Suit #1: Anal leakage… I’m sorry, man.
Suit #2: Yup. No joke, though. That’s the first and last time I’ll be doing that.
Suit #1: Was she hot?
Suit #2: Couldn’t tell. I had my eyes closed the whole time.
–6 train
Woman on cell: I think they put onions in my sandwich. I’m running home now, let me call you when I get off the toilet.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Anne C.
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist