Good looking Italian guy, chatting: I was changing the oil on my car. I figure it’s going to shoot out so I put the pail like a foot away. I turned the knob and…whush…all over me…my clothes.
Chubby friend: Good thing you didn’t get it in your mouth.
Italian guy: It doesn’t taste that bad.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Sibyl
20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.
–Columbus Circle
Girl #1: I feel weird today.
Girl #2: Me too.
Girl #1: I feel like I’m single again.
Girl #2 (squealing excitedly): Me too!
–N Train
Overheard by: sara n.
Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.
–LIRR
Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.
–LIRR, Drunk Train
Overheard by: Jason
Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)
–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)
–MacDougal St, The Village
Overheard by: Reid Rogers
Hipster chick with “valley girl” accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww… So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys’ confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, “Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat’s fur, and it feels good.”
–Washington Square Park
10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.
–34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Samantha
Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now – we both have cats!
–One World Financial Center
Overheard by: macgeekgrl
Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?
–60th St b/w Park & Madison
Overheard by: Adam B.
20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.
–Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: J Cox
Two-year-old boy: Mommy, I’m hungry.
Young mother: Okay honey, do you want some animal crackers when we get home?
Two-year-old boy: (sighs deeply) Okayyy, are they organic?
Young mother: Oh, of course they are! (hugs him reassuringly).
–Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Miki
[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger
Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.
–United Flight
Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.
–LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.
–JFK Runway
Overheard by: cms
Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!
–Jet Blue JFK
Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would totally do it!
–Queens
Middle-aged Latino: I’ve got barbie dolls!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Newspaper vendor: Cause I have that multiple sneezing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bobble-head doll!
–96th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Galatea
Girl leaving nail salon: It looks like Malibu Barbie just threw up all over my feet.
–11th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Bill
Despondent little girl in coffee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much because you said we’re not supposed to play in the meditation room.
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Grimey punk guy: I don’t get what your problem is.
Grimey punk girl: Well, the reason my pussy smells like fish is probably because you gave me a yeast infection.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: Tommy
Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume’s too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I’ve always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it’s a bit of a role reversal. We’re waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Salesguy: Boy, you’re one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don’t want to come in?
–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist