Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome… It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
–Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Stall #1: [Fart.]Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]Stall #2: Thanks.
–Men’s room, CCNY
Girl #1: I like your pants.
Girl #2: Thanks.
Girl #1: You don’t happen to have any percocets in them?
–Barnes and Noble ladies’ room, 48th & 5th
Guy: Is it just me, or does being sick make you really horny?
Girl: I’m pretty sure it’s just you.
Guy: Oh. Well that may be because I’m just really horny all the time.
Girl: Then get away from me and watch some pornos.
Guy: I don’t think that’s the remedy I had in mind.
Random guy: There’s no shame in masturbating, my brotha. It’s totally natural. Hell, I do it all the time. I just did it five minutes ago in the Starbucks bathroom.
Girl: Run!
–Union Square
Overheard by: was on my way to Starbucks until I heard this!
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!
–Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
–Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
–NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass!
–Morimoto
Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe.
–Barney’s
Overheard by: Caryn
Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: mkb
Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.
–50th & 8th
Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…
–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse
Overheard by: Julian
Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.
–JFK Airport
Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!
–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom
Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone
Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?
–Harlem U‑Haul
A trader is on his cell while on the toilet.
Trader: Is there a time-frame here?
Through the stall is heard the response.
Trader #2: If you see sudden movements, we’ll know it’s time.
–Trading floor bathroom, Park Avenue Plaza
Overheard by: Aaron H.
Old lady: Good lord, I thought maybe you’d fallen in the toilet again.
Old man: That wasn’t my fault and you know it!
Old lady: That is the last time I ever clean the toilet seat and let you sit on it right after.
Old man: Can we just enjoy the show?
–Majestic Theatre, West 44th Street
Girl #1: I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s kind of an elitist.
Girl #2: Well, some people would say I’m an elitist.
Girl #1: Yeah, but with you it’s funny.
–Pratt ladies’ room, Manhattan
Overheard by: Jackie C.
Dude: Hi! Where do you keep your books about revenge?
–Posman Books, Grand Central
Overheard by: Lavender Menace
Guy in stall: Arghhh!
Hobo lying on restroom floor: That’s a nice one, man.
Guy in stall, exploding: Auuuggghhh!
Hobo: Now, you’re a fighter, man.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Overheard by: Torotoro
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist