12-year-old kid: Shit, man, dem niggas isn’t shit.
Friend: Mmm-hm.
12-year-old kid: Shit, man… Man, I kill bofth dem niggas!
Friend: Mmm-hm, and I’d do it witcha.
12-year-old kid: Mmm-hm.
–188th & Hoffman, Bronx
Overheard by: why do i go to school in the Bronx?
30-something on cell: What can I say, the only thing that I can commit to is Percocet.
–63rd & Amsterdam Ave
Suit: Yeah, I didn’t even take any Adderall this morning, and I feel fine!
–Wall Street
Girl, casually: I took a few too many Xanax earlier and now I feel like I’m driving my body…
–Cooper Union Foundation Building
Girl on phone: Fine, sniff your lavender, but I still think pills are better.
–52nd & 10th
Overheard by: krysta
Little boy: Are you from Florida?
Southern man: No, Tennessee, why?
Little boy: You sound like a cowgirl.
Southern man: I really don’t think Florida has any cowgirls.
Little boy: Well, you still sound like one.
–Nelson Ave & 168th St
Girl #1: I just put it in my mouth and sucked as hard as possible, like a vacuum…
Girl #2: That’s exactly what I did!
Girl #1: So when he got up, how did he walk?
Girl #2: He was all wobbly, kept saying “Thank you! Thank you, that’s never happened to me before.“
Girl #1: Alrightttt! Your new name is Hoover!
(they high five)
–Bay Plaza Hotel, The Bronx
Overheard by: must try that myself
Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!
–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center
Overheard by: G‑Lime
A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.
–Forham University
Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!
–A Train
Overheard by: Don
Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.
–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem
Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.
–1250 Broadway
Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!
–44th & Lexington
President: Are they de-seminating the office?…I mean decimating?
–40th & Madison Ave
Overheard by: EScrillz
Girl reading poster: The fastest… (pause) “fastest.” Is that a word?
–42nd St AMC Theatre
Overheard by: Steph
Man on cell: Yeah, well that’s what the beasting is for!
–Penn Station
Woman to friends: You know me, I say what I speak.
–Fordham Road
Frenchman trying to learn English: I was a beef with those potatoes!
–TGI Fridays, Times Square
Overheard by: CS
Hipster art student to friend: As much as…like…whatever, like.
–School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: I guess that’s English
Tourist: I feel so elated! Wait…no, I mean, “violated.”
–Uptown 3 Train
Overheard by: Sally Tempo
Thug: What are you reading?
Thug friend, holding up book: Plato.
–E 180th St, Bronx
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”
–D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!
–Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
–A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!
–Starbucks
Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?
–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road
Overheard by: Erica S
Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!
–M100 Bus
Overheard by: Tinathetiny
Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken Paprocki
Guido #1: She was givin’ me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that’s what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Scotty H
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist