Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Upper East Side’ Category

Welcome to the Wednesday One-Liner Positioning System

Girl on cell, looking for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m directly under it right now.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam – Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a disturbing mental image. Yeah, exactly. River full of hamsters. Okay, see ya.

–116th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: That would be truly terrifying.

Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the downtown side of the street!

–East Side

Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the corner of fuckin’ somethin’ an somethin’.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the corner of Charles Street and motherfucking I don’t know!

–West Village

Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Avenue.

–G Train

The Biggest Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Is there a way to block fat people on OkCupid?

–Bedford Ave & 8th

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Remember the other day when you told me I had a fat ass and I didn’t curse you out? So now you gonna buy me something.

–Pizzeria, 77th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Eric

Older woman waiting for a seat: Oh good, the fat one got up. Shit, an even fatter sits down.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Henry Pena

Posh-looking Asian chick: But he consumed over 6,000 calories a day, so he deserved whatever he had coming.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

White hip-hopper on cell: Yeah, she’s so big I thought there was two of her. Then I realized she was a dude!

–Broome & Forsyth

Overheard by: Terry

Clearest Explanation of Scientology To-Date

Girl on cell: It would be like if you made a robot with the sole purpose of killing someone you didn’t like. It wouldn’t be the robot’s fault that it killed the person, it would be your fault, because you built the robot. Unless, of course, somehow the robot had a mind of its own.

–63rd & Lex

Overheard by: Zglass

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers

Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, ‘Partly sunny.’ Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, ‘Party cloudy.’ They’re all different.

–NYU residence hall, Lafayette St

Overheard by: Rusty V 

Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of

Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.

–Hamilton Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: alex

High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn’t rain… I don’t know, I haven’t read that far yet.

–Spring St

Overheard by: Dan

Suit on cell: It’s raining like a whore!

–Penn Station