A Good Salesman Could Sell One‐Liners to a Wednesday

Harlem sidewalk hawker: Platinum jewelry, look me up! (crowd is silent) I got platinum jewelry, platinum! And white girls! I got it all!

–West 125th St.

Overheard by: Penelope

Subway huckster: Attention ladies and gentlemen. I have learned that if you can’t find a job in this city, then you make one. I am selling gloves for one dollar. If one dollar is too much for you, I can be talked down to 99 cents, but I will be thinking bad things about you tonight. One size fits all. If they don’t fit you, then you are one knuckle‐draggin’ neanderthal. (goes on to sell 50 pairs of gloves in 5 minutes)

–R Train,

Man selling whistles: Get your whistles here for one dollar! Safety on a string, baby, one dollar! (attractive girl walks by, he whistles) You need one, girl… It’s summertime, people gettin’ frisky up in this mother.

–60th & 2nd

Guy selling Obama condoms: Obama condoms! (pause, sees hot girl wearing purple scarf) Free demonstrations if you’re wearing a purple scarf! 

–Broadway & Spring

Man at vendor table: Sweaters! Two dollars! Two dollar sweaters! C’mon, people! Two dollar sweaters, nice sweaters too! (pauses) Okay, people, I’m about to raise these to ten dollars so get ’em now! Two dollar sweaters!

–Queens Blvd.

Chinese street vendor to absolutely nobody on crowded rush hour sidewalk: Fuck this shit!

–Canal St

Overheard by: lola