Little girl: But Daddy! I thought the store was the other way.
Dad: Well, that’s why you’re not leading this little expedition, now isn’t it?
–Park & 26th
Isn’t That the Heroin Holiday?
Guy to friend: you should come by tomorrow, I’m having a house party, there’s going to be weed and meth.
Friend: You shouldn’t do meth, it’s messed up.
Guy: Yeah, but it’s Thanksgiving.
–Bar None, The Village
Overheard by: Seth
Wednesday One-Liners Never Sleep Either
Queer on cell: You want me to plan something seasonal? In New York City? You mean, like drinking pumpkin lattes in Starbucks?
–E 78th & York
Overheard by: Hollie G.
Hippie hobo: Man, look at those guys out there, working in the tunnels with all that shit. I’d rather be a park ranger, man. Watch me go get another picnic basket! [Pause] God, get me out of this fucking city. New York sucks. I just want to build a tree house.
–Uptown 1 train
Guy to car that nearly hits him as he crosses street against the light: Fuck you! Welcome to New York!
–19th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Ghetto chick: You got a homeless guy blowing kisses at you. You’re a real New Yorker now.
–58th & 8th
Tourist dad to young daughter after seeing two hobos: It’s a New York City thing, honey.
–R train
Woman on cell: I’m walking in an urban landscape. I said I’m walking in an urban landscape!
–78th & Park Ave
Conductor: If you step out of the door, the rest of New York can keep going.
–1 train
Overheard by: Xavier
He Kept Rubbing the Lamp in Public
Guy #1: I found my old Nintendo yesterday
Guy #2: Yo, remember Game Genie and shit?
Hobo: I had a genie once.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Creighton
… While I Masturbate
NYU girl #1: It’s almost like… a pseudo-lesbian crush… I mean, I don’t wanna touch her or anything.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I don’t wanna touch her, I just…
NYU girl #1: I just, like, want her to lay in my bed with me and tell stories.
–Washington Square Park
If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
–Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.
–Lindy’s, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!
–F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.
–Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.
–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!
–Times Square
And Nobody’s Getting a Library Card on My Watch
Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I’d kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I’m never buying my kids books.
–Yankee Stadium
Welcome to the Wednesday One-Liner Positioning System
Girl on cell, looking for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m directly under it right now.
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam – Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a disturbing mental image. Yeah, exactly. River full of hamsters. Okay, see ya.
–116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: That would be truly terrifying.
Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the downtown side of the street!
–East Side
Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the corner of fuckin’ somethin’ an somethin’.
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the corner of Charles Street and motherfucking I don’t know!
–West Village
Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Avenue.
–G Train
Forty-Year-Old Wirgins
Asian guy #1: Dude, the Wii is so much better than the Cube.
Asian guy #2: No, the Cube is so much better!
Asian guy #3: Yeah, the Cube has so much more power, and the dynamics of the graphics…
Asian guy #2, interrupting: The graphics! They are soooo awesome!
Asian guy #1: Hey, guys? Why are we talking about video games?
Asian guy #3: Because we’re boys.
Asian guy #2: Nah…because we’re Asian.
Asian guy #3: Dude, if I could be Colossus it would be sooo cool, cuz I wouldn’t have to wear my glasses anymore!
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Emma
Headline by: Doc Dan
Runners-Up:
· “And Have an Undersized Metal Penis!” — Patrick
· “Every Asian Girl´s Parents´ Wet Dream!” — Ria
· “It Was at This Moment Kim Jong-il Selected His Son to Be His Successor” — What about NES?
· “Somewhere, the Mutant Sunspot Is Gently Weeping” — wirrrn
Last Night While I Was Sleeping, They Dipped My Hand in Water!
Guy #1: I’m so tired. The monks kept me up all night.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: There are a bunch of Buddhist monks staying at my house.
Guy #2, laughing: What? Are you serious? Why are they there?
Guy #1: Because my mom is a political activist or something.
Guy #2: (laughs)
Guy #1: It’s not even funny, it’s just weird. I have all these Buddhist monks plotting a revolution in my living room!
–Stuyvesant High School
