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Girl #1: Don’t be fuckin’ with him. That nigga got herpes in his mouth. He gave it to my girl Chelisa.
Girl #2: Del is too fine to have herpes in his mouth. You’re hating.

–A train

Overheard by: joey montana

British chick: This hot chocolate is amazing.
New Zealand chick: I love those Swiss Maid things.

–27th Street office

Queer #1: Honey, can you imagine if you had two holes?
Queer #2: Hmm.
Queer #1: Could you fart in stereo? Do you shit out of both holes? If you are going to get fucked and you did a Fleet in one hole, but not the other, do you tell the guy which hole is clean? And suppose you forget which one and he strikes oil?

–The Dish, 8th Ave. & 21st St.

Mom: If you don’t get up off that bench, I’m gonna kick your ass.
Boy: Can’t kick my ass if I’m sitting on it, can ya?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Jessica

Guy #1: The next Pope might be black.
Guy #2: That guy’s not black. He’s African.

–Staten Island ferry

Old lady: What’s going on here?
Woman on line: They’re premiering a new film by Todd Solondz
Old lady: Yeah, but what’s it about?
Woman on line: It’s a pretty dark, sadistic movie.
Old lady: What’s it about? Did you not understand me the first time?
Woman on line: I haven’t seen it yet so I don’t know!
Old lady: Jesus. Standing on line for god knows how long and you don’t know a damn thing about what you’re there for!

–outside Chelsea Cinemas, W. 23rd Street

Overheard by: Abbie Mullaney

Mouhbreather: Ralph, what time is 19?
Ralph: 7.
Mouthbreather: 7? Damn.

—-Quizno’s, King’s Highway & Coney Island Ave.

Queer: I heard Matt Lauer is gay.
Fag hag: No, I think he’s married.
Queer: Well, you know Sam Champion is gay, right?
Fag hag: Yeah, he’s open about it.
Queer: He and his lover came to Bloomingdale’s to buy bedding. They used to buy a lot of bedding.

–F train

Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don’t just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease…Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!

The doors finally close.

Hobo: It’s about fucking time! We’re riding slower than if I was on a turtle’s back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!

A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.

Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That’s too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please…cocksucker…Por. Favor.

–E train

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Asian guy: But it’s the 21st century!
White guy: That’s true, but there’s always a place for racism.

–13th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: E. Jung

A preppy boy whistles and waves at a cab. The cab ignores him, and as it passes the boy yells: What’s your problem, am I Black or something?

–Park & 55th