Little boy: Mom, is this a potty?
Mom: No it's the subway exit.
Little boy: It smells like a potty.
–F Train
What You Get for Talking to Strangers
Cokehead: Hey buddy, you got a cigarette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Cokehead: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Cokehead: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and pushes face to Brit’s nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Cokehead: That’s the smell of a thousand-dollar hooker’s pussy.
–42nd & 3rd
McDreamy Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: Why are you not breathing? You’re the worst patient ever!
–ER, Methodist Hospital
Overheard by: Gena
Hipster to boyfriend: So, I lost three pounds last week. It’s because I went to the gynecologist…
–28th & 8th
Overheard by: Waiting for the next sentence
Nurse pushing old man in wheelchair: I’m not a real nurse.
–St. John’s Hospital
Boyfriend to girlfriend as they consume foot-long hotdogs: You’ve gotta ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to put your hands in shit every day? Because that’s all a job in health care is — putting your hands in shit.
–45th & 8th
Overheard by: kat
EMT rolling patient in on stretcher: This is the most ghetto hospital ever!
–ER, Woodhull Hospital, Brooklyn
One-Liners Are All Wednesday Can Afford
11-year-old girl: Yo mamma's broke cuz she spend all her money on rhinestones and cigarttes!
–Riverside Branch Library
Overheard by: always listening
Polite lady: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don't worry, they're mixed income–and you'll see it when you come out on A.
–1st Ave & 5th St.
Overheard by: Mrqs
Old lady waiting for the bathroom: How long do people stay in toilets? Jesus! It's a public toilet! There are all these people from the streets that come in, and they always pee on the floor. Well, that's what happens when you're poor.
–NY Public Library
Overheard by: Avery
Homegirl to friend: So she was like "oh, my name's Diamond. And this is my sister, her name's Ruby. Our daddy named us after stuff he can't afford." I was like, shit, if that was the case, my daddy woulda call us "lights" and "gas."
–Prospect Park
Nerdish teen: What the hell was a warlock doing in a dungeon when he had no money?
–C Train
Overheard by: Andrew
Clone-Boy Is Filled With Jealous Rage
Guy hitting on girl: So where are you from?
Disinterested girl: New York.
Guy hitting on girl: No, where are you originally from?
Disinterested girl: My parents.
–East Village Bar
Seems to Be a Whirlpool
Drunk chick #1: Oh my god, it’s sooo cold in here!
Drunk chick #2: I know! And I have to pee so bad! This is gonna take so long! There’s, like, an icebox where my twat used to be. There’s an icebox where my twat used to be!
–Bathroom, Tonic East
Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House
Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.
–C train
Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.
–C train
Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.
–4 train
Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?
–Union Square
Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that’s my fucking bread and butter!
–14th & 1st
Overheard by: Bread and butter, that’s my fucking bread and butter
Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad…
–JFK
Overheard by: Wondering
Kid, We’re All Sardines in There
Old white man: Go ahead, that’s right. Everyone go ahead. Fucking pathetic.
Black girl: Ha, ha. You smell like sardines.
–3 train
Overheard by: Dae Han
In Chicago, It'd Be “Jason's Camera Got Shot”
Girl #1: So Jason's camera got stolen.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: So it sucks because he doesn't have one now and he'll have to buy a new one.
Girl #2: Look, I know you grew up here and all, but you have to remember I grew up in Detroit, things like that don't faze us. Tell me something big, like “Jason got shot”, then maybe I'll listen.
–Chelsea
Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?
Man in nearly empty train: There’s an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There’s a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No… I think it must belong to somebody.
–Harlem line, Metro-North
Overheard by: getting off the next stop
