What You Get for Talking to Strangers

Cokehead: Hey buddy, you got a cigarette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Cokehead: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Cokehead: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and pushes face to Brit’s nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Cokehead: That’s the smell of a thousand-dollar hooker’s pussy.

–42nd & 3rd

McDreamy Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: Why are you not breathing? You’re the worst patient ever!

–ER, Methodist Hospital

Overheard by: Gena

Hipster to boyfriend: So, I lost three pounds last week. It’s because I went to the gynecologist…

–28th & 8th

Overheard by: Waiting for the next sentence

Nurse pushing old man in wheelchair: I’m not a real nurse.

–St. John’s Hospital

Boyfriend to girlfriend as they consume foot-long hotdogs: You’ve gotta ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to put your hands in shit every day? Because that’s all a job in health care is — putting your hands in shit.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: kat

EMT rolling patient in on stretcher: This is the most ghetto hospital ever!

–ER, Woodhull Hospital, Brooklyn

One-Liners Are All Wednesday Can Afford

11-year-old girl: Yo mamma's broke cuz she spend all her money on rhinestones and cigarttes!

–Riverside Branch Library

Overheard by: always listening

Polite lady: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don't worry, they're mixed income–and you'll see it when you come out on A.

–1st Ave & 5th St.

Overheard by: Mrqs

Old lady waiting for the bathroom: How long do people stay in toilets? Jesus! It's a public toilet! There are all these people from the streets that come in, and they always pee on the floor. Well, that's what happens when you're poor.

–NY Public Library

Overheard by: Avery

Homegirl to friend: So she was like "oh, my name's Diamond. And this is my sister, her name's Ruby. Our daddy named us after stuff he can't afford." I was like, shit, if that was the case, my daddy woulda call us "lights" and "gas."

–Prospect Park

Nerdish teen: What the hell was a warlock doing in a dungeon when he had no money?

–C Train

Overheard by: Andrew

Seems to Be a Whirlpool

Drunk chick #1: Oh my god, it’s sooo cold in here!
Drunk chick #2: I know! And I have to pee so bad! This is gonna take so long! There’s, like, an icebox where my twat used to be. There’s an icebox where my twat used to be!

–Bathroom, Tonic East

Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House

Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.

–C train

Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.

–C train

Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.

–4 train

Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?

–Union Square

Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that’s my fucking bread and butter!

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Bread and butter, that’s my fucking bread and butter

Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad…

–JFK

Overheard by: Wondering

In Chicago, It'd Be “Jason's Camera Got Shot”

Girl #1: So Jason's camera got stolen.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: So it sucks because he doesn't have one now and he'll have to buy a new one.
Girl #2: Look, I know you grew up here and all, but you have to remember I grew up in Detroit, things like that don't faze us. Tell me something big, like “Jason got shot”, then maybe I'll listen.

–Chelsea

Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?

Man in nearly empty train: There’s an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There’s a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No… I think it must belong to somebody.

–Harlem line, Metro-North

Overheard by: getting off the next stop

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