Here's Forest Whitaker to Explain

Park Slope mom #1: I'm going to be honest. We have night birds near my house.
Park Slope mom #2: Oh my god! Us too! I tried to report it!
Park Slope mom #1: Why are these birds chirping at night? Don't they need to sleep?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

The Supersizing Of Wednesday One-Liners

Obese woman to another (each wearing skin tight leggings and tank tops): Gurrrll, you know you wrong! You not fat. Don'tcha know that the mirror makes you look heavier?

–Inwood, 207th St

Overheard by: cat the great

Woman on cell: She looks awful. Why is she so fat?

–Tompkins Square Dog Park

Overheard by: dogsitting

Large man outside hotel to bus driver: I'm big, but I'm lazy. If you're big and you lazy, you're just lazy.

–8th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: Nicole

Obese woman: I just want a cheeseburger the size of my ass right now.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Over-sunscreened man, crossing street: I'm getting fat! I'm eating too much and I don't like it!

–72nd & Amsterdam


Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Clerk: Man, people stink. That’s why I’m saying, ‘You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won’t do for you is open his own can of dog food.’

–Duane Reade

Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin’ with those extreme titties!

–Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope

Happy hobo: I’m in Manhattan! I’m walkin’ down Prince Street! Hey, now I’m crossin’ Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog — woof! Woof! Woof!

–Soho

White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn’t know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time?

–114th & Broadway

JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator.

–Coffee shop, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Smelling Salts

Girl with big hair: Man, this summer is going to be nuts! I'm going to, like, live in that house! I'm going to pass out in that house!

–PATH

Overheard by: SuchAmbitiousPlans

20-something professional guy on phone: Look man, all I know is that I blacked out, so whatever happened to her after that is in no way my fault.

–Hudson & Charles

Female college-age brat: My roommates tell me they throw up–I never throw up! I pass out before I throw up.

–10th & Ave A

Conductor: Get your tickets out, before you pass out!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: Nettle


It Was Like a Circuit Party in My Mouth!

Guy #1: And then we went over to the Starbursts and got a, ya know… a… Jumbo latex frittata.
Guy #2, perplexed: A what?! (pause) No, actually, never mind, don't explain it.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: Rochel


Now that’s an education

Young woman at a party in Manhattan: “On the first day, the director of the department introduced us to the writing program and, when he asked us if we had any quesitons, one girl raised her hand and she asked, ‘Where are all the guys?’–that was the first question someone asked! I was so embarrassed.”

Tuesdays with Morrie Used to Be Way Less Awkward

Guy #1 holding porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was into DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touching is so gay, and I’m trying to recover from the cock.

Headline by: Will

Runners-Up:

· “Because hot cock requires cold turkey” – Greg Costello

· “He also just had laser surgery for his masturbatory blindness” – remark

· “I know dad, i know.” – nick

· “I think there’s a 12 inch program for that.” – nick

· “Rectum? That rooster nearly killed ‘im!” – Dalton

· “Step One: Stop going to the porn shop with your “buddy”” – DanaLishs


Click here to see the new Headline Contest