Touché, Ann Coul­ter, Touché

Tourist guy #1: New York is cool man, a lot of places to vis­it and shit.
Tourist guy #2: Yeah, I know… I can’t wait to find me one of them horny-ass “Sex in the City” whores to suck me up while I’m here.
Tourist guy #1: That’s a myth, you fag. It ain’t re­al.
Tourist guy #2: Look at those moms over there. I bet they’re crav­ing some young cock.

–Out­side Ra­dio City Mu­sic Hall

Over­heard by: Fat­Cop

Lit­tle Shop Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy to an­oth­er, in line of men wait­ing for their wives: The amount of com­merce that takes place in this store is un­be­liev­able.

–J Crew, So­Ho

Over­heard by: jang­bang

Ghet­to tween to friends: Yo, I want a girl that look like she just come out of Ur­ban Out­fit­ters… Dude, that’s my dream girl.

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: wink

Ob­nox­ious stu­dent: I don’t have time to go to Old Navy and buy my­self a t‑shirt!

–NYU

Moth­er to child in the check-out line: If your fa­ther asks, this was on sale.

–Toys R Us, Times Square

Over­heard by: Emi­ly G.

That’s What You Said About the BP Spill!

Cashier #1, hand­ing tow­el to cowork­er who just spilled so­da: There ya go!
Cashier #2: Don’t mat­ter. I’m get­ting fucked tonight any­way.

–Sbar­ros, Times Square

The Se­cret is Out!

A Wendy’s em­ploy­ee, fresh off his break, pre­tends to be a cus­tomer.

Wendy’s Guy #1: Hel­lo, sir. Wel­come to Wendy’s. Can I take your or­der?
Wendy’s Guy #2: I want a Big Mac.
Wendy’s Guy #1: A Big Mac?
Wendy’s Girl: I don’t want a Big Mac but I want that sauce.
Wendy’s Guy #2: Yeah, it’s pret­ty good.
Wendy’s Girl: Is­n’t it just 1000 is­land dress­ing?

–Wendy’s, Ben­son­hurst

You Mean Like Ba­con?

Boyfriend: So, my bud­dy’s cel­e­brat­ing Rosh Hashanah to­mor­row, and he said he’ll bring me some matzah ball soup.
Girl­friend: He’s cel­e­brat­ing what? And giv­ing you what?
Boyfriend: Some Jew­ish hol­i­day. Some Jew­ish food.
Girl­friend: Ah.

–2 train

Over­heard by:

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Chris­tians are pray­ing and not killing. The Chris­tians on­ly kill once in two thou­sand years, or maybe a thou­sand years. Three hun­dred years. God will for­give you for killing a hun­dred men, but he will kill you be­cause of the ra­dio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You mur­dered him? Oh… you did­n’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your im­age.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Dude: Yo, don’t be so an­gry while I kill every­one.

–GWB Ter­mi­nal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pin­to beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that ex­act kind of re­la­tion­ship. Ex­cept for, like, the whole mass mur­der­ing thing.

–Knit­ting Fac­to­ry, Leonard St

Pro­fes­sor: Why kill your­self when you can just steal some­one else’s idea?

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many ex­e­cu­tions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: MC