A Smor­gash­board Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman to man: I know! I don’t fry any­thing. I don’t even fry my food any­more.

–47th & 6th

Over­heard by: A very dis­turbed News­bun­ny

Old Jew­ish woman to hus­band hold­ing restau­rant left­overs: It’s a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Is­rael!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: What a waste!

Prep­py guy: At least *I’m* not the one mo­lest­ing fic­tion­al ce­re­al pitch­men.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl on cell, talk­ing loud­ly: I don’t know what I want, but what­ev­er I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Prep­py girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Fe­male new stu­dent to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole bur­ri­to-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Over­heard by: Catie

But Fun­ni­ly Enough, What Re­al­ly Set her off was ‘I’m On­ly With you for the Pussy’

Hip­ster guy: So she said in a few years, she would be ready for chil­dren.
Hip­ster girl: So what did you say to her?
Hip­ster guy: I told her in a few years, I would be ready for a pup­py, or a house­plant. Or maybe a moun­tain bike.
Hip­ster girl: That was the wrong an­swer.

–As­to­ria bound N train

Over­heard by: sillyso­cial­work­er

Um­mm, I’m the Pi­lot

Wife: Hon­ey, she’s the wait­ress.
An­noyed hus­band: She is not the wait­ress.
Wife: Yes, she is.
An­noyed hus­band: She’s the stew­ardess.

–Jet­Blue, JFK

Over­heard by: Jess Mc­Gins

Slang: The Right Way and the Wrong Ways

La­dy #1: Look at all these kids! I feel so old…I can’t date in this city any more.
La­dy #2: Are you kid­ding? Lis­ten, hon­ey, let me tell you…I just fin­ished my starter mar­riage, and I’ve been dat­ing like crazy!

–6 train

Over­heard by: BBW

Girl #1: Look at my new ring! Is­n’t it shiny and big?
Girl #2: Omigod. When did you get it?
Girl #1: Yes­ter­day, my manlover gave it to me.
Girl #2: “Manlover”?
Girl #1: Yeah, he’s not a boy or my friend, hence manlover.

–F train

Over­heard by: fri­day­weasel

Black chick #1: I told her to keep her badussy hands off my sand­wich
Black chick #2: “Badussy”?
Black chick #1: Yeah, It’s like butt and pussy.

–Union Square

Guy: No, I mean I could but it’s not go­ing to change the fact that he did it and he’s prob­a­bly just go­ing to do it again at some point.
Girl: But you could still gain the sat­is­fac­tion of telling him he’s a bitch-ho.

–6 train

Girl #1: I’m on the brown; it stinks.
Girl #2: Brown?
Girl #1: You know, when your pe­ri­od is end­ing.

–Q train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Eat­ing Cat Food

News­pa­per hawk­er: Close your um­brel­las, peo­ple! You’re in­side! You’re go­ing to poke some­body’s eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw your­self down the es­ca­la­tor!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Brawd

Black guy on cell: Nig­gas with no mon­ey are con­ta­gious!

–7 train plat­form, 74th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Robyn Z

Flight at­ten­dant: Wel­come to New York where the lo­cal time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in se­lect­ing your air trav­el, and on be­half of the pi­lot and the crew I’d like to thank you for choos­ing our bank­rupt air­line.


Over­heard by: Ldartjoy

Man on cell: There’s noth­ing worse than a poor snob.

–115th & Broad­way, out­side Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Hobo: Don’t any­one wan­na do­nate to the broke-ass foun­da­tion?

–Hous­ton St

Over­heard by: Has been helped by that or­ga­ni­za­tion