I Mean, Unless You're Creating a Slave Army, Obviously.

Chubby 40-something lady, grabbing tabloid and shaking it in friend's face: Oh my god, look at this. That Angie, they're gonna adopt a seventh kid?
Slender friend: Like, please take care of the ones you have first.
Chubby 40-something: She's like a child hoarder! They only let that one lady have 6 cats. Seven's too many.

–Times Square grocery

So Stay Out of the Forest

Girl #1: I believe in evolution and God.
Boy: What? That’s stupid. You believe that if a monkey walked into a forest he’d walk out as a human?
Girl #2: She doesn’t believe that, idiot. The monkey would have to stay in that forest for, like, 50 years for that to work!

–Elizabeth & Hester St

Why NY is not Minneapolis

Middle-aged man at the Minneapolis airport: “When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch-off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lottery.’ The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a ticket!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t play the lottery.'”