Further Evidence That You Can’t Really Understand Someone Unless You Walk in His Shoes.

Elegant silver haired exec, as shoeshine man gives finishing touches: Perfect.
Shoe shiner: You can see your face in them.
Elegant silver haired exec: They look too good to walk in! And it looks like rain.
(elderly man, tourist type with camera and sweatsuit passes and listens. He holds out an empty plastic bag)
Elegant silver haired exec, confused: What’s this?
Tourist: You’re right. Those fancy shoes look too good to wear. Take ’em off and your socks too and put ’em in the bag…
Shoe shiner: Ha! I wanna see that! What’s he gonna wear now on his feet? He’s a suit! (exec just stares)
Tourist: What do you mean? Just walk back to your office in your bare feet… Watch out, though. You don’t want to step in anything with no shoes on.

–Grand Central Station


Wednesday One-Liners Tartare

Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn’t.

–6 Train

Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding

B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.

–80 Pine St

Overheard by: It’s me

Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.

–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: evanescent

Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it’s like a sausage.

–NYU Classroom

Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Murphy

Do You Spit or Swallow, Sir?

Man at counter: I *love* this shit! (slaps trident vitality Vigorate gum down on counter).
Cashiers: (giggle)
Man at counter: The flavor only lasts like, two seconds, but… I just think it’s tasty.

–Duane Reade


Which Goes Well with My Skin

Girl wearing leggings as pants: I love your watch… does it flip open?
(frail elderly woman looks confused)
Girl: That, your watch.
Frail elderly woman: This is my life alert. If I fall, I can call for help.
Girl: Oh! Uh… well, it goes really well with your outfit.
Frail elderly woman: It doesn’t come it any other colors. Just beige.

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: misskitty

Wednesday One-Liners Say “Toro, Toro, Taxi!”

Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don’t want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!

–17th & Irving

(pedestrians are crossing when they aren’t supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: momes

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I’ma getting hit by a car, I’ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Tourist driving car: I don’t give a fuck if you own the world! I’m running your ass over!

–Financial District

Overheard by: lex