Girl #1: My ex was such a wuss. He even sucked his thumb! Thirty years old and he sucked his fucking thumb.
Girl #2: Yeah, my ex had a little pillow on his bed that said, “Princess sleeps here.”
Girl #1: Didn’t you buy that for him?
–Penn Station
How Brigham Young Got his Start
Bum: Hey, want to get married?
Woman holds up her ring finger and keeps walking.
Bum: Aw, you’re already married? Come on, I’ve got food stamps!
–29th & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: brian
Jessica Simpson: I Am So With You
Younger man: Maybe I’ll marry your sister. Then I’ll kill myself.
Older man: I’m waiting to give my sister to an enemy.
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Democracy Clears Doesn’t Work; Back to Monarchy?
Wheeltard: Round here I’m just an idiot, but not in Brooklyn. I’m king in my neighborhood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin’, they know I’m king.
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Girl: I don’t know who she thinks she is, but just because she’s got cancer doesn’t make her Queen Bitch.
–Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony
I, Too, Am Tired of Imaginary Perfumes
Girl #1, sniffing perfumes: I like the second one better.
Girl #2: Yeah, it’s more real, and it won’t make you feel like you’re seducing him into thinking you’re a cookie.
–Lingerie store, 66th & Broadway
And That’s Why We Have the Rule
Little girl: Can I have a job here?
Clerk: How old are you?
Little girl: Nine.
Clerk: Well, you have to be at least 14 to work at the library.
Little girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a big head!
–Queens Library
Where They Make Us Take a Refresher Course on Ethnic Stereotypes Biannually
Muscular mook with sweet tribal tattoo, driving Toyota Tundra, yelling on cell: Someone stole my fucking knapsack! It had my fucking Merrill's. My Sperry's. If I see someone wearing Sperry's, I will fucking crush them.
Tajikistani cab driver: That is the bad kind of Italian. I should know, I live in Bay Ridge.
–53rd & 9th Ave
John the Apostle Only Alludes to It Cryptically
Guy: There’s a Bennigan’s here now?
Girl: Sure, New York’s getting everything: Bennigan’s, Outback, Applebee’s, Chevy’s.
Guy: Who knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse were chain restaurants?
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: Amanda
Or I’ll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up
Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!
–NYU
Overheard by: Clara
We Ivy Leaguers Can Afford to Kill Ourselves with Cocaine
Professor in stuffy room: Someone open a window.
Student: We're on the fifth floor; they don't open.
Professor: I don't understand why they don't unlock them. No one is going to kill themselves. We're not NYU.
–Columbia University