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Teenage boy: I really need a girlfriend.
Teenage girl: Why?
Teenage boy: ‘Cause they’re all sweet and soft and crap.
Teenage girl: Go out with Marla. She’s soft.
Teenage boy: No, that’s not soft; that’s obesity.

–N train

Girl #1: Get me something else at the bar?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I’ve run out of alcohol to go with my champagne.

–Central Park boathouse

Guy in car: Hey, what’s that white stuff in the trees?
Pedestrian: Umm…blossoms?
Guy in car: Yeah, but what are they?
Pedestrian: White blossoms?

–88th & 5th

Overheard by: Siobhan

Homo thug #1: Why you guys keep saying “cuss”? Isn’t it “swear”?
Homo thug #2: Cuss and swear are the same thing.
Homo thug #1: …nooooooo, really?

–Biscuit, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Mr. Tips

Girl on cell: I’ll get a celebrity to pay for my trip. Yah, like Oprah. You know, like on TV Oprah? I’m going to stop slavery. There are 7 million slaves in the world and I’m going to stop all of it…If I want to stop slavery, then I will! I can do anything I want to do!

–W train

Overheard by: SS

Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy’s just a little too sassy for me.

–Chat n’ Chew, E. 16th Street

Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Guy: Yeah, they had the baby, named her Maybe, and–
Girl: Wait, they named her Maybe? As in M-A-Y-B-E?
Guy: Uh, yeah. Maybe. But I think it might be spelled differently.
Girl: That’s odd, really a weird baby name.
Guy: Yes, yes it is. But it’s sort of like, maybe she’s theirs, maybe she’s not.

–L train

Queer #1: I think after a year torture is really a “lifestyle”.
Queer #2: Yeah, right.

–Houston & Sullivan

Overheard by: Scottie

JHS girl #1: Bitch, I will beat your ass!
JHS girl #2: I’ll beat your mother’s ass!
JHS boy: Y’all two are making my dick hurt.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Guy: I think Ground Zero is kind of interesting. There’s nothing there, but it’s kind of cool. Also, if you walk along 5th Avenue there’s a lot of cool stores.

–V train

Fat lady: Well, this was worth the cab ride, I guess.

–Ground Zero

Overheard by: Eileen Donnelly

Foreign tourist: Excuse me, where is the World Trade Center?
Woman: Um, they’re gone.

–Church & Warren

Overheard by: Clay Caviness