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Apparently Drunk Girl is Some Sort of Noodle

Sober girl: Did you know your mother has a penis?
Drunk girl: My mom’s wild!
Sober girl: So did you know?
Drunk girl: It’s great, man, it’s great.

–1 train

I Didn’t Know They Could Be Hivebroken

Drunk dude: I’ve always wanted a pet bee. You know? That would be so cool. To have a pet bee. I’d take it for a walk every day and show it to the neighbors. And they’d be so amazed that I had a pet bee!
Guy #1: How would you take a bee for a walk?
Drunk dude: I’d tie a little string around its neck. Like a leash, you know?
Guy #2: I didn’t know that bees had a neck.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Eric Roitman

Ah, The Clinton Years

Skinny guy: You get unemployment benefits?
Fat guy: It’s great. You just file and you’re done.
Skinny guy: What does that mean?
Fat guy: They give you free dough.
Skinny guy: It’d be great if sex were like that, unemployment. You could be like, “Hey, I haven’t gotten any in 6 months and I want some so I’m filing for sex, please.” And they’d be like, “Oh man, this dude hasn’t gotten it in months; send him a hooker!” And it’d be two stoned guys, fat white guys in a donut-filled government office with escort’s numbers all over the walls.

–4 train

Overheard by: Andrew Gamache

So They’ll Be Right at Home There

Fratboy #1: How are the pledges this year?
Fratboy #2: Oh man, we got two gay pledges, and they are so in love with each other.

–7 train

Overheard by: Brian

What Matters, Literally, is the Motion of the Ocean

Teen girl #1: And they went on a boat trip to see whale sperm.
Teen girl #2: Whale sperm? Are they really big?

–60th & Columbus

Overheard by: James Brummel

Massengill Taps the Urban Demographic

Girl #1: You know when I goes out with a boy, I like to make sure that I am all clean and shit.
Girl #2: I know, me too.
Girl #1: Come to think of it, I like to be clean when I go out with the girls, too…Ya know, one of them always ends up touching ya.
Girl #2: I hears ya.

–2 train

Overheard by: jonathan

That Soda’ll Make You Giggle Before Those Hacks

Comedy Pamphlet man: Do you guys want to get drunk and laugh your asses off?
Guy: Sorry, we’re under 21.
Comedy Pamphlet man: How about some soda and a giggle?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Cody Wymore

His Grampa Waited a Lifetime

Queer #1: We are going to the Kelly Clarkson concert in two weeks, you should come.
Queer #2: I have to go home that weekend. They are having a memorial for my grandpa who died. Maybe I can get out of it.
Queer #1: Seriously. I mean people die all the time, but Kelly Clarkson only comes to New York like twice a year.

–Splash, W. 17th Street

Flash: Wednesday One-liners

Woman on pay phone: They can’t arrest him because he didn’t even expose himself.

–Worth & Centre

Overheard by: Daniel Krieger

I’m Rich in Wednesday One-liners

Guy: So I went to the dollar store, looking for some art for my apartment. You wouldn’t believe how bad some of it was.

–Suzie’s, Bleecker Street

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