Woman: Move in, motherfuckers, move in!
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn’t the train to heaven, you know. It’s, like, going to Queens.
–F train
Overheard by: Nickicaps
Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.
Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn’t last a second in Attica.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: acep
Guy on cell: Jeff, it’s me. Quick question — when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? … ‘Cause these guys won’t leave me the fuck alone…
–Staten Island Ferry
Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it’s like in a Mexican prison!
–Pugsley’s
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He’s the chef at Michigan State Prison.
–Broadway & Spring St
Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that’s one thing — I wouldn’t say nothing, ’cause that’s God, you know? But she ain’t God, and I’m about to go to jail over her ass.
–Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: santos
30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger… It’s amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those “wrong place at the wrong time” situations… I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Francesca
Little boy #1: I’m telling you, Elvis lives, man.
Little boy #2: Where’s my mom?
–187th & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: yum
Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that’s how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.
–Fordham University
20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It’s like an elevator, but opposite.
–N Train
Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.
–Astoria
20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn’t fall down an elevator shaft?
–F Train
Guy: No homo, but Derek Jeter has a pretty amazing ass. Probably the best ass in baseball.
Girl in front of him: Oh, it is not at all gay to appreciate Derek Jeter’s ass. The New York Post once said it could stop traffic.
–Yankee Stadium
Man #1: So I’m lookin down there, and I see my girlfriend tugging at her crotch.
Man #2: Why?
Man #1: Well, it turns out she was masturbating with a banana, and she squashed it and it exploded inside of her! Haha!
Man #2: That’s completely disgusting, your girlfriend is a freak and you should reconsider licking her butt, like you said you do for her.
–Staten Island
Overheard by: TOOBxSOCKS
20-something chick: That’s not urine. I know what urine smells like. I’ve lived in Florence.
–23rd & 8th
Guy: Well, what do you really want out of life?
Girl: Umm.
Guy: Besides hardcore sadomasochistic sex.
Girl: People are totally listening to this conversation.
Guy: No, they’re really not.
–Benny’s Burritos, Ave A
Overheard by: Djlindee
Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can’t eat that! It’s a carb!
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Briguy
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist