Dad to four-year-old son: Hey, don't touch that! Don't pick up things off the ground here. I just saw a mouse.
Four-year-old son: You saw a mouse! You are so lucky! I always wanted to see one of those!
Dad, sighing: You don't want to see them, they are dirty.
Son: You're so lucky. Wow! A mouse.
–8th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Must not be from the village
Dude #1: So that new girl is pretty hot.
Dude #2: I’d like to kiss her vagina. Closed mouth ’cause i’m respectful like that.
–6 train
Hipster chick: God, stop being so emo!
Non-hip guy: I am not emo! [Stops and thinks.] I didn’t even like that movie. Fuckin’ fish.
–St. Mark’s Pl
Six-year-old girl, trying to get parents' attention at dinner: Mommy! Do you know why I pee in the bed? (parents look up in silence) To get your attention.
–Restaurant, Park Slope
Overheard by: Joe
Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: The Jewish Asian
Girl #1: Fergus's apartment is down there. Have you ever seen it?
Girl #2: I have. Actually, I did ecstasy in that apartment once. Wait, you were there! We ate ostrich. You rolled around on the carpet.
–Lexington & 51st St
Mother: How’s your pizza?
Little boy: Okay. It tasted better when I was high.
–Giorgio’s Pizza
Overheard by: ramona
Little kid: Mommy…Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!
–9th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Katie
Merchant Marine guy #1: Did you hear that there are like 75 swiss cheese deaths a year?
Merchant Marine guy #2: What? What do you mean?
Merchant Marine guy #1: It’s really rare, but sometimes there is a chemical reaction and the cheese blows up in people’s stomachs.
Merchant Marine guy #2: That has to be the worst death ever.
Merchant Marine guy #1: Or the best if the guy really loves cheese.
–LIRR
Fat man: My left retina just detached.
Friend, not even looking at him: You'll be fine.
–Washington Square Park