Professor lady: What is your favorite fruit?
Girl #1: J’aime manger les pommes.
Girl #2: Isn’t the rule if it grows underground it’s a vegetable?
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
How Masons Recognize Each Other
Hobo: Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, steak!
Asian man: Yes.
–57th & Broadway
Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I’m askin’… I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!
–8th Ave & W 55th St
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Canadian guy: The first kiss’ll be at the altar.
–Uptown 6 train
Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin’ awesome kisser.
–NYU
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
Girl on cell: I can’t remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?
–43rd & Lex
Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it’s bleeding, like you used to.
–Washington Heights
Girl on cell: He said he wouldn’t leave until I kissed him… so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!
–115th St & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
That’s What You Said Yesterday, and Now We’re Banned from the Chuckie Cheese Ball Pit
Little kid whispering: I don’t have to pee.
Dad: Shut up.
–Men’s room, MoMA
Overheard by: dues
And You Should See My Dishwasher
NYU kid #1: Who wouldn’t want sex toys?
NYU kid #2: Well, I already have so many. I don’t have clothes in my drawers, they’re full of sex toys!
–Washington Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’
Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.
–Columbia
20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.
–Columbia
Overheard by: martina m.
Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.
–Columbia
Overheard by: Ladle
Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.
–1 train
Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’
–1 train
Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.
–Columbia
Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.
–116th St
Overheard by: Sam
Hey, If You Can’t Stand the Melting, Get Out of the Pot
Arab cabbie yelling at man on bike: Motherfucker!
Woman on side of road: Nice language, towel-head!
–Near Rockefeller Ice Rink
Sometimes, We Don't Even Want to Know.
Guy #1: I mean, if it's a noose, it's better to have a drop than just hang there.
Guy #2: Yeah, no way, man.
Guy #1: On the other hand, if it's a meat hook, a drop would do some serious internal damage.
–W 35th & 9th
With Lots of Maple Syrup
Small Canadian mimicking fat kid: You run funny.
Fat kid: Shut up or I’ll eat you. I eat Canadians for breakfast.
–Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Or, As I Like to Call It, a “Circle Of Joy”…Why Are You Laughing?
Student #1, commenting on hole in graph: Is it a black hole?
Student #2, sarcastically: No, a red hole.
Teacher, writing on brown blackboard: It's a brown hole.
(class bursts into laughter)
–Math Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian