White girl: Man, I’m sweating like a Jew in the Holocaust!
White guy: Yeah, and I’m sweating like a nigga on a rape charge.
–G train
Overheard by: hot and sweaty
A PVC Corset Works, Too
Art magazine-type girl #1: I guess some guy was touching her ass.
Art magazine-type girl #2: What? I can’t believe it. I’ve been riding the 4 and the 5 for like, six years, and no one ever touches my ass.
Art magazine-type girl #1: Really? I don’t know. Maybe when it gets warmer you should wear a sarong. I definitely get felt up more when I wear a sarong.
Art magazine-type girl #2: OK, I will.
–Park Ave. South & 21st
He Sat Quietly as the Train Carried Him Deep Into the Earth
Woman: So the subway in Abu Dhabi is pretty convenient?
Man: Yeah, but the only thing I don’t understand is how they can put a subway on an island.
Woman, after a long pause: Think about it.
–1 train, Christopher St
Do You Think He’d Be Interested in Writing a Song About It?
NYU boy: Hey, Adam Duritz from Counting Crows is outside Hayden on his cell phone!
NYU girl: Uh, well.. I almost got killed by a fucking snow globe!
–Washington Square West
Right Up My Broadway, Sweetie
Hipster theater chick: Seriously, I have like the best vagina of anyone I know. I have the Idina Menzel of vaginas.
Hipster chick’s friend: What does that even mean?
Hipster theater chick: You know Idina Menzel. Big lips, big mouth, sings like she’s having an orgasm. That’s my vagina. It’s called “Idina.“
Hipster chick’s friend: Isn’t she the one who played The Green Witch? So your vagina’s green?
Hipster theater chick: Shut up. It’s not green. It’s the Broadway of vaginas, I tell you!
Hipster chick’s friend: Who names their vagina after a green witch? You’re so fucked up..
–American Airlines Theater
Overheard by: Hannah
As Required by the Hag Code’s Minimum Sentencing Guidelines
Girl: So you fucked my ex?
Gay guy: I’m sorry, I was wasted! (starts crying)
Girl: He was mine, dammit! We’re definitely not shopping tomorrow.
–Union Square
I Told You Not to Use That Flavored Lube
Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?
Girl: Yeah, I’ll have a cranberry juice.
Grandpa: What’s wrong, you got a yeast infection or something?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: befuddled diner
Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry
Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.
–FAO Schwartz
40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!
–Forest Hills
Overheard by: Mary D
Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.
–84th & 1st
Overheard by: Mikey
Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…
–69th & Columbus
That Is the Rule
10-year-old boy tourist: When are we going to eat?!
Teen brother: Shut up!
10-year-old boy tourist: I don’t have to shut up! I’m in New York!
–57th & 6th
Overheard by: Rick
Or a Muzzle.
Daughter: Daddy, I want a cookie!
Father: I’ll say yes if you ask for an apple instead. (pause) Or a Brussels sprout.
Daughter: Ahhhhh!
–115th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Special K
