New Yorkers: As Seen on TV

Woman #1: Excuse me, does the N train stop at Central Park?
Woman #2: Lady, go ask a fucking crystal ball, or learn how to read a damn subway map.

–Union Square station

Overheard by: Craig D

A truck driver is parked on the side of the road, honking at what appears to be nothing at all. A female pedestrian shoots him a dirty look.

Truck driver: Nobody’s honking at you, you dumb bitch!

–Bay Ridge

Tourist: Which way is the Empire State Building?
Newspaper vendor: What do I look like, a fuckin’ road map?

–outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Dork

A trendy guy walked out into oncoming traffic, forcing an SUV to slam on the brakes. The driver screamed out of his open window: The hell you think you are, my hood ornament?

–40th & 7th

Posted on September 29, 2024
Advice, Cars and Driving, Directions, Insults, NYC Geography, Only in New York, Psychic, Public Transportation, Questions, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

How to Do Laundry, NYC Edition

Woman: Excuse me. I have to put something in my dryer.
Girl folding clothes: Oh, okay.
Woman: Excuse me! I have to put something else in my dryer.
Girl: O-kay…
Woman: Now I have to take something out of my dryer…unbelievable.
Girl: Wow, you’re a case!
Woman: I’m a what?!
Girl: A case. I’ve never seen anybody so worked up over laundry.
Woman: Well, you haven’t lived very long, have you?
Girl: Not as long as you!…Have a nice day!
Woman: Fuck you!

–York Launderette, York Avenue and E. 82nd

Posted on September 28, 2023
Age/Aging, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Anger Management, Biotechs, Clothing, Girls, Insults, Laundromat, Psychology, Upper East Side, Women

Don’t Hate the Wildlife, Hate the Game

Man on cell: I didn’t know it was your baby crying! I thought you were watching some animal show. I wouldn’t have made the comment about the hyena if I knew it was your baby!…Well, yeah, I probably would have…hey, whatever happened to you and ugly-ass Omar?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Krista Gundersen

Posted on September 19, 2023
Animals & Nature, Babies, Family Ties, Insults, Men, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, Penn Station, Sex & Relationships

It’s Because I Ate All the Bananas

Salesgirl: How’d you get that bruise?
Customer: I was jumproping and I fell.
Salesgirl: Aren’t you a little old to be jumproping?
Customer: Aren’t you a little fat to be working at The Gap?

–The Gap, 48th & 6th

Posted on September 12, 2023
Customers, Insults, Rockefeller Center, Store

NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall

Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t figure out this fucking line — all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies… New Jersey is my destiny.

–Bakery, 70th & Lex

Posted on July 30, 2023
Assholes, Cashiers, Food, Gripes, Insults, NYC Geography, On Cell, Shopping, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, U.S. Geography, Upper East Side, Yuppies

My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother

Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It’s not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it’s like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute… what, it’s a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I… I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!

–TGI Friday’s, 59th & Lex

Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays

Posted on July 8, 2023
Beauty, Biotechs, Insults, Parents, Stall Spies, Teens

Lame: Danielle Steele. Lamer: Snarking on Danielle Steele.

Son: I thought you were looking for Danielle Steele?
Mom: I am.
Boy: But isn’t that fiction? Why are we in literature?
Mom: Fiction is literature.
Boy: Oh. I thought literature was good writing.

–Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue

Posted on July 7, 2023
Books & Writing, Insults, Kids, Moms, Store

He's in the Running for This Year's Scariest Voicemail Award

Man on cell: I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up, man. Do you even know I will fuck you up? Don't fuck with me, man, I will fuck you beyond fucked up. You are so fucked up when I see you next. Fuckin' bitch, fuck up. I will fuck you for fucking me, you fucking bastard. Fuck this shit, you fucking cock bitch.

–N Train

Posted on July 3, 2023
Insults, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Threats, Violence

The Pretty-Girl Entitlement Statute Begins to Wane in Influence

(three men hail a taxi and get in)
Girl: Hey, I was over there waiting for a long time. May I have your cab?
Guy #1: Are you serious?
Girl: Yes, I was on the other corner, waiting.
Guy #2 (laughing in her face): Are you fucking serious, lady?
Girl: Buy I was on the other corner waiting for a long time.
Guy #3: Oh, well! You were on the other corner, kiddo. Get more aggressive.
Girl: But guys… I was waiting…
Guy #1 (as taxi leaves): Courtesy, bitch.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: Luke

Posted on June 27, 2023
Advice, Default, Etiquette, Girls, Insults, Offers and requests, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Union Square and East Village

Actually, He Just Makes Eyes and Licks the Bulletproof Glass

Punk girl: He doesn’t look Jewish.
Punk boy: He’s not, he’s Catholic… A real pope-fucker.

–Rivington & Ludlow

Posted on June 25, 2023
Christianity, Girls, Guys, Insults, Judaism, Lower East Side, Punks

Insults