On the Subway

Old Drunk: Did you hear about the guy that shot the judge in Atlanta? Well, they caught him. You know how? After he shot the judge, he ran over to Graceland, where Michael Jackson lives, and he shot Michael Jackson in the leg. That is why Michael Jackson is walking around in his pajamas all the time, because his leg hurts and he can’t get dressed.

–N train

Overheard by: AG

Short guy: You owe me money.
Hefty guy: I don’t owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don’t make me fucking slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up.

–N train

Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies doing after this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hopping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies into having some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunken orgy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kidding me? Go blow out your ass, stupid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an idiot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch.

The guys walk away.

Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was being a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: kendra

Sort of drunk guy: You’re getting more beer? You can barely walk.
Really drunk guy: That’s no reason to stop drinking.

–Saint Mark’s Place & 3rd Ave.

Teen girl #1: I’m going to Delaware this weekend. Fucking Delaware!
Teen girl #2: It’s not that bad, Delaware’s cool.
Teen girl #1: No, it’s not. Delaware’s like…a booger in the nose of America, a pimple on the chin of the USA, a snaggletooth in the smile of–
Teen girl #2: OK, we get it. You hate Delaware.

–1 train

A boy pulls Swedish fish, a king-size Twix, king-size Skittles, and a bottle of lemonade out of his pocket.

His friend sitting next to him says: This kid’s a fucking vending machine! You give him a quarter, he spits out gum!

–1 train

College chick: She’s all gay. She’s like, “I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay.” Then why you fuckin a guy?

–D train

Boy, 10 #1: What’s credit? How do you get credit?
Boy, 10 #2: It’s like, you know when you take out a book with your library card? If you don’t return it like forever, then you get bad credit.

–6 train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Woman, 40s: So why did he shoot himself?
Guy, 40s: I guess he must’ve been depressed.

–2 train

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Chick: So, I’m smart, right? I mean, I consider myself smarter than the average woman. So I go to this interview, and they give me this test, a long test like the SATs. And I’m drunk. So I get a call later, “Sorry, you didn’t do as well as we’d hoped.”

–F train

HS girl: Now he’s in college, so he has his own friends.
HS guy: He’s at Sarah Lawrence.
HS girl: There are lots of people like him there.

–4 train

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Thug #1: I don’t live in the VHS era.
Thug #2: Naw, they got DVD tapes now.

–J train

Overheard by: Anna