Dear Hugh Laurie – Call Me –Love, Danielle

Cute girl about upcoming CAT scan: There’s a part of me that’s actually a little excited… or at least interested, because, you know, it’s a new experience.
Friend: It will be an adventure. A medical adventure. Like House!
Girl: Except the doctor won’t be nearly as sexy as Hugh Laurie.
Friend: But he’ll have a better bedside manner.
Girl: It’d be worth the bedside manner if he were that sexy.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show. It gives us unrealistic expectations.
Girl: My mind right now is like 45% fear, 25% excitement, 15% rational thought, you know, that it’s probably not cancer, and the rest is Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard battling for my affections.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show.

–L Train

Overheard by: Jonah

Posted on May 31, 2023
About Celebrities, Advice, Beauty, Cancer, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Fears, Friends, Girls, Medicine, On the Subway, TV

This Explains Why the Senator Isn’t at a Zero‐Percent Approval Rating

Dude #1: You know, I kinda like Richie Santorum.
Dude #2: Yeah… he’s a pretty good guitarist. Bon Jovi’s alright.
Dude #1: Yep.

–7 train

Posted on May 27, 2023
Guys, Music, On the Subway, Stupidity

He Paid Cash

Queer #1: Oh, jeez, I hooked up with that guy. Don’t look.
Queer #2: Who, the guy who just walked on? Call him over. What’s his name?
Queer #1: What am I, psychic?

–N train, Ditmars Blvd

Overheard by: ant

Posted on May 21, 2023
Gays and Lesbians, Hook Ups, Names, On the Subway, Queer guys

Some Comebacks Can’t Be Improved Upon

Hipster: C’mon, there’s another train, quit holding the doors. God.
Man squeezing past doors: Oh, shut the fuck up. I’m late for work. What are you late for? The vintage stores aren’t even open yet.

–Uptown N train, Union Square

Posted on May 20, 2023
9 to 5-ers, Comebacks, Hipsters, On the Subway, Public Transportation

Wednesday One‐liners Belong in a Zoo

Girl: Yeah, so, did you hear that the bald eagle isn’t extinct anymore?

–Central Park

Posted on May 15, 2023
Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Central Park, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Hospitals, Manhattan, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pop Culture, Queens, Staten Island Ferry, STDs, Stupidity, The Village, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Yuppies

You’re Not Getting Any Warmer, Dude

Drunk guy: Where are you from, man?
Random guy: Arizona.
Drunk guy: Arizona… Arizona, Nevada?
Random guy: No… Arizona, Arizona.
Drunk guy: Oh, but… Nevada is a section of Arizona right?
Random guy: No. Nevada is Nevada.
Drunk guy: I’ve been to Wisconsin.

–E Train

Overheard by: Noble Robinette

Posted on May 14, 2023
Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Guys, Names, On the Subway, Questions, Southerners, Strangers, Stupidity, U.S. Geography

Everyone Now Having Moved One Language Over

Girl #1: But… Isn’t he from Japan?
Girl #2: Duh, Japanese people speak Chinese!
Girl #1: Oh my god! (laughs) You are so funny! People from Japan speak Spanish. Everybody knows that!

–A Train

Overheard by: Hiding In The Corner (Highly Disturbed.)

Posted on May 13, 2023
Foreigners, Girls, Languages, Laughter, On the Subway, Stupidity

Some Half‐Baked Wednesday One‐Liners

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b‑o‐n‑g.

–19^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with orange‐red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don’t smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don’t get high tonight!

–125^th & Lenox

Overheard by: Plausible

Young hipster: So I said, “Mom, did you smoke with me?”

–Central Park Reservoir

Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don’t want me smoking pot, you don’t want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don’t want me chewing gum and now you don’t like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that’s okay with you?

–L Train

Overheard by: It’s me, bitches.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you’re smoking is really good.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: me too

Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I’m serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don’t you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can’t see anymore and then I’ll be there. Alright? Bye.

–8^th Ave & 27^th St

Overheard by: Erica Friedman

Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn’t smell like weed?

–Washington Square Park

Posted on May 12, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Christianity, College, Family Ties, Food, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Smoking, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Time, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

The U.S. Patent Office Found the Idea Tough to Swallow

Dude #1: Shit, man, they don’t give blowjobs like that anymore.
Dude #2: Yeah, man… The lost golden age of blowjobs.
Dude #1: Dude, we should figure out a way to sell like, “classic blowjobs.” We’d make a shit‐ton of money. Every dude would want one!
Dude #2: Classic blowjobs? How the fuck we gonna do that?
Dude #1: Pimp it out, man! Pimp it out! (pause) Unless that shit’s patented, or some shit.

–Crowded Downtown 2 Train

Posted on April 25, 2023
BJs, Jobs & Careers, Nostalgia, On the Subway, Thugs

Who’s Doomed to Wander Dark Subway Tunnels for All Eternity

Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square… Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square…
Random thug: Shut the fuck up!
Conductor: … Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I’m in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Suburban Liz

Posted on April 20, 2023
Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Holidays, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Thugs

On the Subway