On the Subway

Jewish guy: You know, all the famous people are Jewish, like Einstein, and–
Black guy: Man, shut the fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with you? Ain’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King, Jr.? He ain’t Jewish; hell, that motherfucker ain’t even white. Jesus Fucking Christ!
Jewish guy: Very good! Jesus Christ!

–E train

Overheard by: Ting

Chick: He keeps checking himself into rehab, but then he gets out and…well, you know all his friends are crackheads.
Guy: That’s pretty funny, actually.
Chick: Yeah, it is!

–N train

Mom #1: Did your husband take any time off when you had your baby?
Mom #2: Well, it was right after Sept. 11th, so his office was closed for 3 or 4 weeks.
Mom #1: Oh, that’s wonderful!

–F train

Yankee fan: The Yankees are kicking ass this year.
Straphanger: They’re in last place!

–3 train

White girl: Excuse me…excuse me…Can I please get the fuck by?
Hispanic guy: You don’t have to push, bitch!
White girl: Well, if you would stop with all that Mira! Mira! Mira! shit and stop looking and start listening maybe you wouldn’t get yelled at like a dumbass!

–A train, 125th Street station

Overheard by: Dixie Mae

Tourist boy: I thought Grand Central station was huge. Like, a whole city underground and stuff.
Tourist girl: Wait.

–6 train, pulling into Grand Central station

Overheard by: Jonathan

Tourist: Where is Saks Fifth Avenue?
New Yorker: On Fifth Avenue, you moron!

–46th & 6th

Teen guy #1: My dad’s gonna get me fucking Yankees tickets this year!Yankees tickets!
Teen guy #2: You said that last year, and it never happened.
Teen guy #1: Uh, Earth to moron, last year was different. I lied to you last year.
Teen guy #1: You are so fucking Zoolander, man.

–1 train

Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say “stay clear of the closing doors”, that means don’t push a closing door back open. Don’t stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don’t hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn’t rocket science. God, it’s not even high school science.

–1/9 train

Girl: Where are you taking me?
Guy: Home.
Girl: No, seriously?
Guy: Home, you think I’m kidding?
Girl: …seriously?
Guy: We’re going to my place, yeah. Why?
Girl: I just met you.

They both got out of the subway together.

–2 train

Overheard by: charlie moreno

Drunk #1: This little guy was almost in the Olympics for me…he was almost the donkey I never had.
Drunk #2: Donkey?
Drunk #1: Yeah, like a horse.

–N train