Conductors

What Did the Wednesday One-liners Just Say?

Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Joyce Shen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you’re running late for your train, try calling out “please wait.” Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I’ll wait.

–F train

Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?

–B train

Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!

–QM1 bus

Overheard by: MissDona

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: Nic

Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.

–D train

Overheard by: Camodee D

PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.

–4 train

Overheard by: OJ-Gangas

Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.

–D train

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.

–1 train

Overheard by: Traveler Bill

Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.

–R train

Overheard by: Mark

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they’re not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.

–N train

Overheard by: SP

Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: alyssa

Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.

–6 train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one…ten degrees cooler.

–6 train

Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!

–F train

Wednesday One-liners Announcements

Loudspeaker: Spirit Airlines is paging Islam Mohammed. Islam Mohammed, please report to gate B6 for an ontime departure.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Joe Helfrich

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, in a crowded car like this, remember you only have two hands. If you notice a third hand in your purse or your pocket, I am sure your fellow passengers will help you get rid of the third hand.

–A train

Overheard by: Miss Babette

Bus driver: First, next and last stop!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Palaverist

Loudspeaker: OK…The downtown E train is leaving…Close it up, close it up, close it up…downtown E train…close it up…now serving Wade, party of 2…Wade, party of 2.

–E. 51st Street station

Overheard by: Tim

Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around

Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.

–M42 bus

Overheard by: Dan Alcalde

Transit cop: I guess I’ll pretend to do something here.

–Queens Plaza station

Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!

–1 train

Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It’ll get you on the train, it’ll get you on the bus.

–A train

Overheard by: Timothy C

Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Chick: The cabdriver wouldn’t let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Steve Carbo

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.

–over LaGuardia

Overheard by: Dana Clair

Overheard in the Headlines: The Train Bridge Fire

Conductor: We’re experiencing some slight delays. There seems to be a power outage in the station. Or on the tracks. Or there might be an Amtrak line down. You should probably get off now and take the PATH. And if you didn’t hear this message the other three times, I’ll be saying it again in 30 seconds.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: gigglechick

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re on Track A, which is normally an eastbound track. We’re waiting for written instructions to depart. They’re probably making copies for us right now. Thank you for your patience.

–Newark Penn Station

Overheard by: gigglechick

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: The way this train is moving you’d be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown.

–F train

Overheard by: Matt

Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever.

–Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue

Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don’t pee on the seats people.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Susie P

Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St…by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick.

–F train

Overheard by: RMC

It’s Not Like He Can Crash It

Conductor, doors closing at East Broadway: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop Steinway Street.

Conductor, doors closing at Delancey: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop 23rd Street.
Girl: Should I be worried?

–F train

Overheard by: Suzanne

Fighting Communism was Funnier than Fighting Terrorism

A Russian lady mutters to herself: I want to be at the front of the line so I can pick my seat, I’m not sitting by some fat, smelly person.

She tries to cut to the front of the line, unsuccessfully.

Russian lady: I was here the whole time! I was standing right next to this lady!
This lady: No, she wasn’t.
Conductor: You better get to the back of the line, ma’am.
Russian lady: But I was here the whole time! Where’s your manager? I want to talk to the manager!
Conductor: Please step to the back of the line, you’ve gotta wait in line like everyone else.
Russian lady: I know what your problem is! I bet you don’t like white people!

Everyone else in line burst out laughing, and she was escorted away by security.

–Port Authority

Woman: Well, at least the Mexicans are friendly and they’re always working. Unlike those goddamn Russians! You know what I mean!

–Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

The ACLU Filed Suit Moments After

Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say “stay clear of the closing doors”, that means don’t push a closing door back open. Don’t stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don’t hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn’t rocket science. God, it’s not even high school science.

–1/9 train

Wednesday One-liners; Let’s Make Them “I Do”

Girl on cell: Oh no! I dropped a bunch of papers that I don’t need!

–Pace University elevator

Overheard by: shawn mac

Conductor: The next stop will be…Hell, I don’t even know what it is!

–B train

Overheard by: Miss Babette

Guy: You know, when I was doing those breathing exercises, I realized: I don’t think I’ve been able to breathe out of my left nostril since 1995.

–General Store, DUMBO

Overheard by: Beth

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist