Waiter #1: Sit anywhere you’d like.
Guy: Thanks.

Waiter #2 diverts him to a small table in an occupied section.

Guy: So by “anywhere you’d like” you guys meant this exact table.
Waiter #2: Thank you.

–Clark’s, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: TG

Guy #1: Dude, I think you have a porn addition.
Guy #2: 5 gigabytes is not an addiction!

–Midwood Public Library

Overheard by: Roman S

Woman #1: I told my family that if I get old and can’t take care of myself to hire me a…
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: … a young, good-looking boy.
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: Specifically for the purpose of giving me a sponge bath.
Woman #2: I have a funny story about that.

–Park Plaza Diner, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: TG

Student: It’s not computers that’s fucking you up, it’s General Hospital.

–Pratt dorm, Willoughby Avenue

Overheard by: Eric Wrenn

Girl, 7: Sometimes, I wonder: who really did kill Kenny?

–M79 bus

Black dude: I ain’t even gonna say it. You know who you look like, right?
White dude: Let me guess: Seinfeld.
Black dude: Oh, shit! Aah! I’sa gonna say Kramer!

–Fort Greene bodega

Black kid #1: …you mean the gay nigger?
Black kid #2: No, the black-brown nigger.

–outside Boerum Hill Food Company, Smith Street

Girlfriend: You were supposed to read that article over the weekend. But I guess reenacting World War Two was more important!

–Fort Greene

Overheard by: Faustus

Guy: Wait, I missed that. So you were born, and then what happened?

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Sherri Feldman

Chick #1: …and I swear my head rammed into the wall and it’s that cheap crappy sheet rock and there’s a hole in it now. I’m gonna tell him to write his name on it!
Chick #2: Oh, he’ll probably like that.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

Caribbean woman: Will dis [wine cooler] drunk me?
Caribbean man: No, that won’t drunk you.

–Yvette Clarke for Congress HQ, Crown Heights