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Old woman: Did you see this play?
Old man: Yes.
Old woman: Well, do you know who the father of the baby is?
Old man: Well, I know it wasn’t me.

–59th & Park

Hobo: Anyone have any spare change or medicine for lice?

–Christopher St. station

Overheard by: Matthew Dyke

Hobo: Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you have change for a 12?

–West 4th Street

Singing hobo: I just spilled, I just spilled, I just spilled my blackberry brand-ayyyy.

–14th St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: wayne mitchell

Hobo: Folks, help me out. I am trying to get my rotor blade fixed on my helicopter!

–W. 10th and 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alex Wipf

Connecticut woman: It was such a joke among my friends; I was always going out with artists or unemployed people…which I guess is the same thing.

–Cuppa Cuppa, East Village

Chick: So you think that by you comin’ at me all gangsta you gonna get my pussy?

–6 train

Overheard by: brian

Player: Yo, I ain’t banged a fat bitch in a while.

–Broadway & Astor Place

Big woman: He looks like a bean…he has no ass!

–Kate Spade, Broome St.

Overheard by: wermice

Guy on cell: …so then he just punched me, yeah! Just punched me right in the face. Well I figured I oughta get dressed and leave her room, yeah, he was pissed…No, she’s his only kid.

–Empire State Building

Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.

–La Grolla, UWS

Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That’s not Italian!
Drunk girl: He’s not Italian, he’s Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!

–30th & 3rd

Guy #1: He’s always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I’d wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I’m sure it’s your weight that’s keeping you from wearing Gucci.

–Queensboro Plaza station

Overheard by: Preebz

Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.

–Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Date Rape

Smooth operator: Don’t worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.

–Subway

Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.

–51st St & Broadway

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… and viagra…

–Union Square, uptown 6 train

Guy: Dude, I can’t get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.

–Outside Columbia dorm

Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I’m going to the wine bar.

–68th St & York