Union Square and East Village

Shalom, Wednesday One-liners

Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.

–F train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don’t know. I have to consider it. I’m not super Jewish and he’s not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.

–Union Square

Lady: I just don’t get smoking, or people who smoke…smoking and bacon; I don’t get it.

–UWS elevator

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

My Little Boy is All Grown Up

Woman #1: All of a sudden I see her jump on top of the kid and start humping her!
Woman #2: Oh God!
Woman #1: Yeah, and they’s only 5 years old! So I pull them apart and ask her why she was doing that to her.
Woman #2: And what did she say?
Woman #1: She said, “I saw my mommy doing it with her friend only her panties were on the floor.”

–Forever 21, Union Square

Overheard by: mousie

Special Sale on Whipped Cream

Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!

–St. Mark’s Gourmet Market, St. Mark’s Place

That Must Sting Their Holes

Guy #1: What are you drinking?
Guy #2: Dos Equis. With a lime.
Guy #1: All Mexican beers come with limes.
Guy #2: Dude, all Mexicans come with limes.

–Croxley Ales, Avenue B

Wednesday One-liners

Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin’ out of my face, I’d take your wart in a second.

–Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd

Overheard by: Heather Hunter

Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.

–Jacob Javits Center

Overheard by: Lindsay

Dude on cell: …so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude…totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!….OK, I’ll see ya later. Peace.

–Coffee Shop, Union Square West

NYers: Should People Eat Children?

Woman: Don’t let your personal freedoms infringe on other people’s rights!
Girl: Who is she talking to?…Holy shit, I love crazy people.

–40th & Broadway

Yuppie chick #1: Pork, it’s the other other white meat.
Yuppie chick #2: No you idiot, that’s baby. Pork is just the other white meat.

–Bryant Park

Nothing Natural About Healing the Dead

Worker on phone: Good afternoon, Ms. Swank. We’d like to congratulate you on your recent Academy Award, and ask you to stop by and pick up your copy of Natural Healing.

–The Strand

You’ve Got to Pamper Them…Literally

Old black guy #1: You got to take care of your lady.
Old black guy #2: Uh huh.
Old black guy #1: Every now and then you got to let her do her nails, do her hair and wash her ass…
Old black guy #2: Uh huh!

–Avenue A between 1st and 2nd Street

Go Back to Canadia!

Woman #1: And what did he want to talk about?
Woman #2: My beaver.
Woman #1: Can you imagine his nerve?
Woman #2: Honey, lots of people are talking about my beaver. Hell more are thinking about it if they aren’t already fucking it.

–Lexington & 42nd

The Wrath of Chaka Khan

Homie #1: Damn! Shorty set the phasers on stun!
Homie #2: Shields up!

–Union Square station

Producer guy #1: So it’s like when a Trekkie sees Patrick Stewart and immediately yells “There’s Captain Kirk.”
Producer guy #2: Oh, you’re right! Maybe we should just stick to that hip-hop audience you were talking about. Forget the Trekkies.

–Katz’s Deli, Houston Street

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