Some Half‐Baked Wednesday One‐Liners

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b‑o‐n‑g.

–19^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with orange‐red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don’t smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don’t get high tonight!

–125^th & Lenox

Overheard by: Plausible

Young hipster: So I said, “Mom, did you smoke with me?”

–Central Park Reservoir

Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don’t want me smoking pot, you don’t want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don’t want me chewing gum and now you don’t like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that’s okay with you?

–L Train

Overheard by: It’s me, bitches.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you’re smoking is really good.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: me too

Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I’m serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don’t you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can’t see anymore and then I’ll be there. Alright? Bye.

–8^th Ave & 27^th St

Overheard by: Erica Friedman

Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn’t smell like weed?

–Washington Square Park

Posted on May 12, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Christianity, College, Family Ties, Food, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Smoking, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Time, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

Which Is Why I Only Make Out with Old People

Girl diner: You can order a tongue sandwich!
Guy diner: I don’t eat anything that can taste me back.

–Ben’s Kosher Deli

Overheard by: Pastrami Girl

Posted on April 25, 2023
Advice, Body Parts, Customers, Default, Delis, Food, Girls, Guys, Weirdness

I Guess We Travel in Different Circles

Aged cokehead #1: I know that face from somewhere, you look really familiar…
Aged cokehead #2: Yeah, I think I’ve seen your face somewhere.
Aged cokehead #1: Maybe from the same circle‐jerk?
Aged cokehead #2: No, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Here’s $20 for the wine.

–Lexington & 28^th St

Overheard by: The Wine Girls

Posted on April 18, 2023
Body Parts, Drinking & Drunk People, Druggies, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, Physical appearance

There’s a Difference Between Abs and Rolls

Girl #1: Don’t you like anything about yourself?
Girl #2: I like my abs.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: I guess not.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Alexis Gratt

Posted on February 24, 2023
Beauty, Bimbettes, Body Parts, Diet/Weight, Friendship, Girls, Grand Central, Train Station

Wednesday One‐Liners Tartare

Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium‐rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn’t.

–6 Train

Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding

B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.

–80 Pine St

Overheard by: It’s me

Stroller‐pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze‐dried meat.

–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: evanescent

Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it’s like a sausage.

–NYU Classroom

Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Murphy

Posted on January 29, 2023
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Death, Duane Reade, Food, Friends, Girls, God, Hair, Men, Moms, Murder, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Just When You Thought It Wasn’t Possible for a Woman to Suck More Than Heidi Pratt…

Girl #1: I just put it in my mouth and sucked as hard as possible, like a vacuum…
Girl #2: That’s exactly what I did!
Girl #1: So when he got up, how did he walk?
Girl #2: He was all wobbly, kept saying “Thank you! Thank you, that’s never happened to me before.“
Girl #1: Alrightttt! Your new name is Hoover!
(they high five)

–Bay Plaza Hotel, The Bronx

Overheard by: must try that myself

Posted on January 23, 2023
BJs, Body Parts, Girls, Names, The Bronx

Wednesday One‐Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14^th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train