All Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: Ugh! And it smelled like a fucking frat basement in there!

–7th Street & 1st Avenue

Overheard by: Heather

Broker on cell: Less is more? Fuck that! I want it all.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Abe

Guy: You know, when I was a kid, all the little boys in the neighborhood would sit around and jerk each other off. It was always a circle jerk.

–44th & 9th

NYU chick on cell: You know you’re having a bad day when you break your aura.

–West 4th & Jones

Overheard by: Sam Zimman

Guy: NYU is like a disease. It’s shaping the minds of the fucking
future.

–South Street seaport

Chick on cell: Oh my god, I just totally bombed my final. But it’s not fair. It’s not my fault I got stuck in a class with all smart people. My grade’s totally going to skyrocket downwards.

–NYU, Waverly & Washington Square East

Overheard by: LMF

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.

–The Gate, Park Slope

A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?

–Broadway & 80th

Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”

–27th street office

JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.

–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd

Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.

–D train

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.

–Chambers Street station

Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!

–G train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”

–Marquee, 10th & 26th

Overheard by: Katie

Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.

–190th Street station, rush hour

Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.

–L train

Woman: …and he wanted to break up with me so badly, he was like,
“Here, I’ll buy you an apartment!”

–Central Park sailboat pond

Overheard by: Sarahvb

Teen chick: I wouldn’t want to get married because it takes so long to get a divorce!

–Rockefeller Park

Russian lady: Ya…my mother was lucky. Not many women divorce lawyers.

–6 train

Lady: Come on, since my fucking boyfriend is a fucking crack head, we are fucking gonna pick up some guys tonight.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Julia Wright

Girl: I’m getting kind of tired of him. He used to be the kind of guy you could go out with and never have to talk.

–6 train

Guy on cell: …so I can fuck her, but I can’t marry her. See she’s Orthodox, but not Orthodox enough.

–Duane Reade, 51st & 3rd

Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper

Chick on cell: Honey, your boyfriend isn’t a boyfriend. He’s, like, a boyfriend-substitute…He’s, like, the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter of boyfriends.

–Times Square

Overheard by: djlindee

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.

–27th Street office

Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau

Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: JY

Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.

–McDonald’s, 47th Street

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: tee sul

Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.

–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street

Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cynthia

Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She’s obviously smoking crack.

–4 train

Chick: Yeah, she’s trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation.

–Rivington & Allen

Overheard by: Josh Mueller

Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers.

–Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sparkle shortz

Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off.

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: debo

Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn’t do so many drugs. Why
didn’t anyone tell me?

–Pratt Institute

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically.

–William Street & Maiden Lane

Overheard by: shawn mac

Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s.

–Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th

Overheard by: Emily

Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: kittikat

Guy: That’s crazy, man. That’s worse than crazy, that’s fucking psychotic! Seventy dollars for a fucking permit. Seventy, eighty dollars for a moving violation, that I understand. But seventy dollars for a fucking permit? The fucking well is running dry!

–Prospect Avenue station

Overheard by: Alison

Teen girl: Let’s order together but have them put it in separate bags. We’ll pay less tax that way.

–Wendy’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Nathan Kipe

Tourist:…no, really! The streets are so clean!

–24th & Broadway

Overheard by: Manhattman

Guy on cell: Dude, I’m looking in a mirror right now, and I’m really hot. Seriously though, do you think I’m really hot or just average?…But you haven’t seen me since I got rid of my hair…

–North Six, Williamsburg

Drunk guy: Yeah, she’s a model. Anybody that pretty has a 6 pound dog, she’s a model.

–Chelsea Piers

Overheard by: Diane

Chick on cell: I don’t know if it’s his complete lack of direction in life or his total depression, but I find him like soooo freaking hot.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee