All Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Where the fuck is this bitch?…Oh, sorry ’bout the language ladies. I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about my girlfriend.

–54th & 5th

Overheard by: E. Hart

Guy on cell: Yeah I know her, my sister went out with her when she was still a man.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Barry Divola

Guy: Is it raining? Or is it just me?

–24th & 7th

Black woman on cell: Listen nigga, I want my money. And don’t just be giving it to me in drips and drabs…I want a lump sum, motherfucker. A luuuuump sum!

–145th & St. Nicholas

Overheard by: James OBrien

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’m the embodiment of crack right now. I’m still drunk from last night. And wow, I just got a bad look from two Mexicans and we know that never happens. Oh my god, another bad Mexican look. What the fuck is happening? Oh my god, a cat…Shut up, oh my god, the world is conspiring against me. As soon as I said “cat” a kid came around the corner. What’s next, a demon? Cats, kids, demons.

–12th & A

Guy: …And then I nutted all over her face, but like, not in a demeaning way.

–Weinstein Hall, University Place

Old lady: Lots of people take pills and don’t get addicted. It’s a personality issue. When I had my shoulder done, I had no pain. But I woke up and the nurse said, “Do you want a morphine shot?” And I said, “Sure, I’ll try it! Why the hell not?”

–Broadway & 69th

Girl: Well, tell Joe my fist has a suggestion for his face.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: So I went to the dollar store, looking for some art for my apartment. You wouldn’t believe how bad some of it was.

–Suzie’s, Bleecker Street

Old guy: Yeah, here today, gone tomorrow. I want to come back as a Polynesian prince.

–Astoria

Overheard by: sara