Astoria

Tales From the Dork Continent

Guy: What language is that?
Girl #1: French.
Guy: Where are you girls from?
Girl #1: Morocco.
Guy: Oh, it’s really beautiful there. Really wealthy too, right?
Girl #2: That’s Monaco.

–Elevator, Lexington between 31st & 32nd

Hipster guy: So where are you from originally?
Cabbie: West Africa.
Hipster guy: Oh, really? Where?
Cabbie: Africous.
Hipster guy: Where?
Cabbie: Afri-cous*.
Hipster guy: Wow. I thought I knew all the countries in Africa.
Cabbie: Yes, you know it. It is beautiful.

–Astoria cab

*Ivory Coast through a West African accent.

Overheard by: Martha K, also in the cab

Girl #1: Seriously, don’t ask me to go dancing if we’re not in South America.
Girl #2: Ha, ha. Yeah. What about Europe?
Girl #1: Eh…
Girl #2: Like, Spain.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess Spain. And maybe Morocco.
Girl #2: Morocco is in Africa.
Girl #1: Pretend like I didn’t just say that.
Girl #2: Now I understand why you dropped out of college!

–1 train

Overheard by: h. goldmine

Wednesday One-liners, Eastern Hemisphere

Old guy: Yeah, here today, gone tomorrow. I want to come back as a Polynesian prince.

–Astoria

Overheard by: sara

I Think the Term is “Flailing”

Girl #1: Hey, check out that guy in the wheelchair.
Girl #2: He’s dancing and he’s got no legs!

–Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, Astoria

Overheard by: Toneloca

The Sticks are Obviously Made from Branches

Girl: I wonder what kind of cheese they put in these.
Guy: Me too. It’s good.
Girl: What do you think it is?
Guy: Maybe Mozzarella, I’m not sure.
Girl: It doesn’t taste like Mozzarella. I doubt it.
Guy: You’re right. I don’t know. Probably one of them Italian cheeses.
Girl: I wonder. I like it.

–Diner, Astoria

Overheard by: Jenna Vee

I Guess He’s the One Who Shot Harvey Keitel

Driver: Hey man, are you a cab driver?
Cabbie: No, I’m a taxi driver.

–Cab, Astoria

She Should Just Ask for Some Alcohol

Girl: Excuse me, do you have Anbesol?
Cashier guy: Animals? No. No animals.
Girl: No, Anbesol…it’s for gums.
Cashier guy: All of the gums are right here.

–Deli, Astoria

Overheard by: Someone who thought it was “Ambesol”

Let’s Hope She Keeps Getting It

Drunk guy #1: So yeah, I’m boning her and she starts to ovulate. I’ve made girls ovulate before but this chick went crazy.
Drunk guy #2: Ew, she got her period while you were doing her?

–Astoria

Let’s Compromise and Throw Cripples in the Lake

Man on cell: Wait, you’re telling me my money went to help some kid go to camp? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I thought I was curing a cripple or some shit like that. What’s up with that? I never went to camp when I was a kid. Good to hear some brat I never met is going to be swimming in a lake all summer long while my nephew is cooling himself off by a hydrant in the street.

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Victor Hugo

Wednesday One-liners Provide No Easy Answer

Dork: Yeah, but he can spend all that money and gross like a billion dollars, but it’s totally gonna fuck up his legacy, man. Like that guy who was playing when Mozart was around, you know? Whatever happened to that guy?

–Diner, Astoria

Man: How could you do that to me on my birthday month?

–5th between 19th & 20th

Overheard by: Marci Kaufman

Girl: When you look at a little person, don’t you just want to pick them up?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Melissa Wechsler

Art Store guy: …the Army was really persistent. They said, “Oh, we always need artists in the Army.” And I’m like, “No, you fucking don’t! What am I gonna do, paint with the enemy’s blood?”.

–New York Central Art Supply, 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: tourist girl

Lady: Excuse me, is this train going uptown or downtown?

–L train platform, Union Square station

Overheard by: Brenna Sinnott

Interesting How This is New

Manicuree #1: I learned something new about myself today–
Manicuree #2: Oh, what was that?
Manicuree #1: –at my gynecologist’s office.
Manicuree #2: Hmm?
Manicuree #1: I learned that I need an extra long speculum for my pelvic exams.

–Astoria nail salon

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