On Cell

Wannabe model on cell: … and I was on the dance floor, and Gisele was dancing next to me…No, Leo wasn’t there but I was totally dancing next to Gisele and you know what? She like totally can’t dance! I mean, I totally looked hotter than her on the dance floor! I mean, I think she was like on drugs or something! I just couldn’t believe that Gisele can’t dance!

–48th & 6th

Chick on cell: …It was the worst. First of all, he have a big dick. And to make things worse, he did not know how to fuck…I mean, come on, what the hell is that all about?…Uh huh, yeah, you are probably right…and another thing he couldn’t fit…I guess my pussy was too small or something…yeah, uh huh, I don’t think so. It’s not worth the trouble. Would you go back?…Exactly.

–Time Square

Overheard by: Jada

Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time!

–South Cove, Battery Park City

Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: alison

Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.”

–F train

Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?

–Times Square

Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged.

–Madison Square Park

Tall woman on cell: …there’s something I haven’t told you too: I’ve been sleeping with hundreds of women all this time!

–4th Ave. & 10th St.

Guy: Dude, who needs a date when you’ve got a vagina?

–8th & University

Overheard by: Chitin

Chick on cell: He said I’m high maintenance. I am not high maintenance…I’m crazy, but I’m not high maintenance.

–Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B

Overheard by: djlindee

Dowager: I’ll take a Swiss cock, please. That looks good.

–Bakery, 58th & 7th

Man on cell: That stuff was too expensive. Why don’t I just buy one of those cheap necklaces on the street and you can put in a blue boz and say it was from Tiffany’s.

–57th & 5th

Overheard by: Angie

Preppy: Hey Dave, put another beer in this cooze!

–Blind Tiger Ale House, Hudson Street

Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!

–Shade, Sullivan Street

Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I’ll give you a big fat bone.

–34th & 8th

Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!

–CPW & 65th Street

Overheard by: Johnathan

Queer on cell: Michael Alig…yeah, I don’t remember those years so well.

–1st & A

Hood on cell: Yo man, that bitch stole two ounces of coke from my house!…She’s your friend, you go get it back!

–outside The Martini Red Lounge, Staten Island

Overheard by: Becka Dash

Guy on pay phone: …and Santa’s reindeer won’t be coming home!

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Traczie Bellinger

Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin’ out of my face, I’d take your wart in a second.

–Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd

Overheard by: Heather Hunter

Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.

–Jacob Javits Center

Overheard by: Lindsay

Dude on cell: …so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude…totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!….OK, I’ll see ya later. Peace.

–Coffee Shop, Union Square West

Drunk Guy #1: You’re gonna charge me a dollar for just one cigarette?
Drunk Guy #2: You think I’m gonna fucking give you change?

–46th St. & 8th Ave.

Overheard by: Ryan

Man on cell: I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes. I’m dying here, you’re literally killing me.

–3rd Ave. & 12th St.

Overheard by: Este Bagato

Guy on cell: My life is a falafel. No, no, wait, it’s a pita. My life is a pita.

–Broadway & Astor Place

Teen boy: When I get home, I’m gonna get me one of them nutrient shake shits.

–M23 bus

Overheard by: Jon Graboff

Woman: I didn’t like the emu there. I’m not going to like it here.

–Eight Mile Creek, Mulberry Street

Overheard by: james uphoff