On Cell

Wednesday One-liners Need to Get Cut Off

Chick on cell: That is not true!…No!…I would never do that! Gross! I so did not do that…Did I?…Really?…Oh, well, maybe I was too trashed to remember.

–Times Square

Arty girl: I may be hung over. I haven’t decided yet.

–Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: ~dana

Guy: So I find that when I taste champagne with someone, I have nothing to say.

–32nd & 6th

Chick: Wait, I really did sleep with that guy? I need to update my
Excel spreadsheet.

–Montien, 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: djlindee

Erica: Welcome to Applebee’s, my name is Erica. Can I get you started with a drink, or a beverage?

–Applebee’s, W. 225th Street

Overheard by: MissDona

Next Wednesday One-liners

Queer on cell: Oh my God, did you hear? Liz has a date…yeah, with a guy…a straight guy…

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Cole

Suit on cell: Hi, I’m in Chelsea. I just bought the We Love Disco CD and two porn magazines.

–22nd between 7th & 8th

Black guy: Damn, those horses is gay.

–Times Square

Overheard by: seth scott barkley

Queer on cell: Hey, I got here early. The Starbucks is closed for renovations, so why don’t we just skip to the blowjob?

–7th & Grove

Chick: He was getting blown by a trannie and right before he came he said, “get out of my car, you faggot” and that’s how he knew he wasn’t gay.

–W Hotel bar, Union Square

Overheard by: Somebody nowhere

Guy: I mean, he’s weird. He’ll let me make out with him, but he won’t share his salsa.

–Bond & Lafayette

Queer: First of all, if I was going to have an orgy at four in the morning, I would not have carne asada first. Pttth! Second of all…um…carne asada is not pre-orgy food.

–Barrage, West 47th Street

Overheard by: Nick Salvato

Queer: I’m never having sex with another virgin again. When the virgin is on the receiving end it can be such a pain in the…yeah.

–Bleecker & Macdougal

Woman on cell: Mom, he doesn’t have an accent, he’s gay!

–Madison & 52nd

There’s a Twilight Zone Episode Here

Girl: That’s weird. I’m on the subway and my cell phone rang.
Guy: We’re on the bridge.
Girl: Oh shit! I was supposed to get off at Canal Street!

–Q train

Overheard by: David

Guy: This station needs to be named Hell.

–Canal Street station

Overheard by: Nic

Let’s Compromise and Throw Cripples in the Lake

Man on cell: Wait, you’re telling me my money went to help some kid go to camp? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I thought I was curing a cripple or some shit like that. What’s up with that? I never went to camp when I was a kid. Good to hear some brat I never met is going to be swimming in a lake all summer long while my nephew is cooling himself off by a hydrant in the street.

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Victor Hugo

Boy Have a Penis; Girls Have Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I swear to god, I don’t know how nothing has happened to me yet, either I am infertile or the cure for herpes is in my vagina.

–6 train

Overheard by: brynn

Man on cell: Hey, baby. It’s sure hot out today…you better get out those hot pants…I mean hot shorts…your pussy must be burning up.

–56th & Broadway

Businesswoman on cell: Aw, man. If only she were a hermaphrodite! Damn!

–7th & Perry

Korean dude: Are you suggesting that you have a super dope vagina?

–Camel, W. 33rd Street

Overheard by: Dave Min

Man: We’re going to have a tampon fondue!

–Duane Reade, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: molina1230

Wednesday One-liners, I’m Your Father

Father: Oh, you mean hummus. Hamas is a terrorist organization.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Man on stoop on cell: Son, it sounds like you got yourself an STD.

–Windsor Terrace

Overheard by: LaurenG

Dad: Now don’t go getting lost again. It cost me a lot of money to get you back last time.

–Bronx Zoo

Father: It was because of nuclear proliferation. All the dinosaurs shot nukes at each other.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: JB

Man: The last time a bird pooped on me I met your mother.

–Central Park Zoo

Got a Light, Wednesday One-liners?

Chick on cell: I mean, an Easter egg hunt, but with cigarettes? How cool would that be?

–6th between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: djlindee

Woman: So there were three of us, standing around the toilet, and we each threw our cigarette butts one by one into the toilet, and when I flushed it, there was this…space. And through that space I saw my family at the other end…

–Prospect Park Bandshell

Overheard by: MissHell

Man: I want to get down to a carton of cigarettes for each paycheck.

–Sunset Park

Overheard by: Priscilla Grim

Wednesday One-liners Belong in a Zoo

Chick: I’m afraid of birds, so I go to the bird store next door to sort of get over it, you know? So I was down there today and there was this lady there who owns one of the birds, and she was saying how it bit her in the lip, and she lost feeling in her finger. That makes me think…they really are evil!

–Office, E. 33rd Street

Man on cell: Hello. Yes, this is the squirrel from the park. Please
come back to the park, I’m not in the park but I’ll be there soon.

–23rd & 6th

College girl: I always associate double-parking with shrimp.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein

Hispanic girl: Yo, butterflies is scary!

–B train

College girl: Yeah, my mom was watching this commercial about kitty litter where there was this cat who said, “Yeah, and then they go and do the thing…” Wait. I mean, that’s not what the cat said. I’m just paraphrasing.

–Starbucks, 67th & Columbus

Thank God It’s Not a Videophone, Too

Chick: How’s the Wailers concert?
Voice on cell: All we need now is a beer and a spliff!
Chick: Great, Mom.

–University Restaurant, University Place

Overheard by: Becka Dash

Call Me on My Mobile, Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite.

–Astoria

Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me!

–14th & Broadway

Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt

Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place!

–53rd & 8th

Overheard by: Tyler Bryce

Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for!

–23rd & 3rd

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