Guy: Hey! I haven’t seen you in, like, forever.
Girl: No kidding! How are you?
Guy: I’m good… Except, remember when I fell into that brick wall? I’m worried the cut’s infected.
Girl: Well, I have some Bactroban in my purse…
Guy: Awesome! Have I mentioned how much I love you?
Girl: And it’s prescription strength.
Guy: I’d get down on one knee and propose to you now, but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in pigeon shit.


Wasted guy: Oh man. I just shit my pants…I can’t believe I shit my pants.

–Carroll Gardens

Queer #1: She’s kinda bummed…Her parents split; her dad’s marrying another man.
Queer #2: Luckily, that’s not atypical. 

–Elevator, 14th Street & 8th Avenue

Queer #1: I’ve been feeling so gross lately. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been having so much ass sex.
Queer #2: Gross like a whore?
Queer #1: No. Like, every time you shit your poop gets rubbed into your ass wounds. Maybe it’s making me sick…What? It’s like rubbing your papercuts in Bombay sewer water.

–Boysroom, Avenue A

Overheard by: zac

Queer: I don’t care about my boyfriend like I care about you. I am buying you these things because I love you.

His phone rings. 

Queer: Hello?…Aw, I love you, too. 

He hangs up.

Queer: That was him.

–Barney’s, Madison Avenue

Serious, conservative, aspiring journalist to another: Something I’ve been working on a lot, I might not write it for publication but at least for my own enjoyment, you know, I’ve been writing a report on the culture of defecation.
Other journalist: Nice! I’ve been thinking a lot about that.

–In Line for Guggenheim Museum

Drunk girl #1 coughs.
Drunk girl #2: If you vomit, I swear to God this friendship is over.

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: kellianne

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: “Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit.”

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave

Dude #1: I didn’t brush my tongue this morning.
Dude #2: Yeah, I didn’t have a cigarette.
Dude #1: No, I saw a sign that said, “Have you brushed your tongue today?”
Dude #3: No, you just have to go to the bathroom and throw up a little and then you’ll be all set.

–Union Square

Overheard by: tanechka

Guy #1: So, she was eventually diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. No, not Stockholm syndrome… Munchausen by proxy.
Guy #2: Is that where you make your kid sick to get attention?
Guy #1: Yeah. I mean, who feeds their newborn feces? Who does that?

–21st St & 6th Ave

Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!

–Prince & MacDougal

Overheard by: Yann

Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Thompson

Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do – ? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!

–98th & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing my ass off

Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!

–28th St & 8th Ave

Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!

–48th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Guido #1: She was givin’ me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that’s what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone. 

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Scotty H