Poop

Dog Shit is Bullshit (A NYC Short Story)

White woman: You see why I don’t live in Manhattan, especially on the Upper East Side.
White man: Why is that?
White woman: Too many freaking dogs. Everybody and their mother have a goddamn dog. The Upper East Side smells like dog shit and these people will not clean up after their dogs.
White man: I know what you mean. Too many dogs.
White woman: These people should be shot for not cleaning up after their dogs. They should not be allowed to own an animal if they can’t clean up after it. What, rich and snobbish people aren’t allowed to pick up dog crap, is that it?
White man: Well, at least the West Side is not so bad.
White woman: I’m not sure it is any better.

–80th & 3rd

I Sense a Coming Wacky Packages Sticker

Girl: Your breath is stinky.
Guy: Please. My breath is so fresh they should name a mint after it.
Girl: How about excre-mint?

–56th & 1st

That’s More Like a Rodin

Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.

–Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum

Wednesday One-liners are for the Dogs

Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!

–Shade, Sullivan Street

Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I’ll give you a big fat bone.

–34th & 8th

Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!

–CPW & 65th Street

Overheard by: Johnathan

Kind of Like the New Star Wars

Girl: What are those, prune juice bottles?
Boi: Yeah, what kind of weird homage to regularity is that?
Girl: I think it’s an homage to diarrhea.

–Park Slope

Quit Bragging About Your Stool

Hobo #1: I ain’t kidding. It was the size of a personal pizza!
Hobo #2: Child, please. Ain’t no fuckin’ way.

–Washington Square Park

Opinion Are Like Assholes; Here’s Two of Them

Queer #1: Honey, can you imagine if you had two holes?
Queer #2: Hmm.
Queer #1: Could you fart in stereo? Do you shit out of both holes? If you are going to get fucked and you did a Fleet in one hole, but not the other, do you tell the guy which hole is clean? And suppose you forget which one and he strikes oil?

–The Dish, 8th Ave. & 21st St.

More Like Making Babies

Two women are waiting for the bathroom.

Woman #1: They’ve been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you’re done, it’s not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?

–Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue

That Can and Will Be Used Against Him

Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I’m back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It’s hard to piss out your stomach when they’re tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.

–Central booking, Centre Street

Overheard by: the holding cell across from them

So Your End’s Okay, but Not Mine?

Swedish guy: Last night I burped so loud I think I’m sure I woke everyone up in the apartment.
American guy: That’s kind of like when I took that noisy dump.
Swedish guy: Ew!

–Times Square

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