Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.
–Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.
–Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!
–Shade, Sullivan Street
Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I’ll give you a big fat bone.
–34th & 8th
Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!
–CPW & 65th Street
Overheard by: Johnathan
Girl: What are those, prune juice bottles?
Boi: Yeah, what kind of weird homage to regularity is that?
Girl: I think it’s an homage to diarrhea.
–Park Slope
Hobo #1: I ain’t kidding. It was the size of a personal pizza!
Hobo #2: Child, please. Ain’t no fuckin’ way.
–Washington Square Park
Queer #1: Honey, can you imagine if you had two holes?
Queer #2: Hmm.
Queer #1: Could you fart in stereo? Do you shit out of both holes? If you are going to get fucked and you did a Fleet in one hole, but not the other, do you tell the guy which hole is clean? And suppose you forget which one and he strikes oil?
–The Dish, 8th Ave. & 21st St.
Two women are waiting for the bathroom.
Woman #1: They’ve been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you’re done, it’s not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?
–Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue
Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I’m back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It’s hard to piss out your stomach when they’re tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.
–Central booking, Centre Street
Overheard by: the holding cell across from them
Swedish guy: Last night I burped so loud I think I’m sure I woke everyone up in the apartment.
American guy: That’s kind of like when I took that noisy dump.
Swedish guy: Ew!
–Times Square
Guy: Hey! I haven’t seen you in, like, forever.
Girl: No kidding! How are you?
Guy: I’m good… Except, remember when I fell into that brick wall? I’m worried the cut’s infected.
Girl: Well, I have some Bactroban in my purse…
Guy: Awesome! Have I mentioned how much I love you?
Girl: And it’s prescription strength.
Guy: I’d get down on one knee and propose to you now, but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in pigeon shit.
–NYU
Wasted guy: Oh man. I just shit my pants…I can’t believe I shit my pants.
–Carroll Gardens
