Little UES girl #1: I’ve never been West, but my mom talks about it.
Little UES girl #2: People actually live there.
–M86 bus
Little UES girl #1: I’ve never been West, but my mom talks about it.
Little UES girl #2: People actually live there.
–M86 bus
Two kids find a pocket knife on the train.
Older sister: Yo, I’m gonna bring that shit to school tomorrow!
The younger brother wipes it off with his shirt.
Older sister: No, you gotta leave the dirt on it. Then when I cut that bitch, her face will get all infected and shit.
–F train
Overheard by: erik
Dad: …you’ve got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one’s the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why’s it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it’s in the middle of your hand, I guess. There’s two fingers on either side.
Son: That’s retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that’s the way it is.
–Astoria corner store
Girl: Mommy, why does it smell like pee?
Mother: Because it’s the Port Authority!
–Port Authority newsstand
Puerto Rican kid #1: You shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
Puerto Rican kid #2: Come say that to my face! I’ll brush yo’ teeth with my pee pee!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Yamin Reshamwala
British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.
–27th Street office
Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.
–Washington Heights
Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau
Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.
–82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: JY
Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.
–McDonald’s, 47th Street
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: tee sul
Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.
–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street
Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Cynthia
Mom: Why don’t you like to play with Tommy? He likes to play with you when you get home from school.
Little girl: I’m very busy, you know. At 6:00, I eat dinner. At 7:00, I brush my teeth. At 8:00, I do my homework. At 9:00 I go to bed. I’m sorry, but Tommy will just have to take a number.
–M14 bus
Chick #1: Y’all heard Denelle pregnant?
Chick #2: Damn, I can’t imagine tryin ta have no baby. If I had a baby then I couldn’t hang out wit y’all no more.
Chick #3: Shit, we need to git you a man, then. I’m tired o’ yo broke ass!
–D train
Woman: …he’s been practicing for weeks and weeks and weeks, maybe months. We’re going to stay for an hour, and when we leave–and during the whole show–we have to be very, very quiet. Like a mouse. OK?
Girl: Yes, Eliza.
Woman: What’s my name?
Girl: Eliza.
Woman: And what’s my other name, my special name just for you?…Mommy, OK? My name is Mommy.
–M7 bus
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole.
Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here.
He moves to her lap.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God.
The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible.
–6 train
Kid #1: Yo, blind people can rake mad money walking dogs.
Kid #2: I hear you!
–M15 bus
