Sex

How Was Your Halloween, New York?

Guy: It was a good night! We saw the parade…we got drunk…I made out with a pregnant nun…

–Ben’s Pizza, Spring Street

Overheard by: A. Yanishevsky

Drunk girl: Hey, Red #2, where’s the rest of the pack?
Red crayon guy: Ooh, you’re a regular Dean Martin, aren’t you?

–Puck Fair, Lafayette Street

Guy on cell: Trick or treat, fucking witch!

–20th & Park

Overheard by: Pedro Lebron

Guy #1: I know it’s Halloween and this is the West Village, but do you faggots have to block the entire sidewalk?
Guy #2: Oh go sit on a cock.
Guy #1: Yeah, you’d like that.

–Christopher & Bedford

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Chick on cell: Wait, wait, he put what where?…Uh huh…Well it was
Halloween last night…And then he did what? He ate it? That must have tasted like shit, literally!

–F train

Hipster girl: You know that guy Adam? That I….screwed? Well, he got arrested on Halloween for having a gun that looked like a gun.

–Mercer & Waverly

They Still Haven’t Quite Untied Her

Drunk guy #1: …and so she’s totally got clown makeup on from banging him the night before.
Drunk guy #2: Dude, rodeo clowns are tough shit.

–Fish Bar, E. 5th Street

Overheard by: Samantha

What About the Other Nineteen Minutes?

Girl: If you were going to die twenty minutes from now, what would
you do?
Guy #1: I’d take you into the back and do you. What about you?
Girl: Yeah, I’d probably have sex with you, too.
Guy #2: I think I’d rape someone.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Gradie Smith

That’s Why He’s Dr. Pepper

Girl: When we were younger, we totally took for granted the fun in playing Spin the Bottle…I would love to play now but it wouldn’t be the same.
Man: Yeah, playing now would just end with an abortion two months later.
Girl: Ugh.

–Broadway & 46th

Overheard by: Jeff Rigby

Were It a Guy, It Would Be Foreplay

Jason Mraz: I pride myself on trying to be a normal guy–
Girl in audience: Let’s have sex!
Jason Mraz: –See, that’s not normal. Hey, and since this is technically my place of work, isn’t that sexual harrassment?

–Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Amelia Stanley

Wednesday One-liners Go On a Bender

Hippie guy on cell: Nathan, I don’t care how drunk you were, if you’re giving a blowjob, you know you’re giving a blowjob.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu

I’m Hungee for Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: When you get here I will make you breakfast sausage. And I am not talking euphemistically.

–63rd & 1st

Overheard by: Alison Foster

Wednesday One-liners Ain’t Very Smoove

Guy: …And then I nutted all over her face, but like, not in a demeaning way.

–Weinstein Hall, University Place

Fun Fact: They Were Discussing Their Proms

Girl: …so then there was blood all over the wall–
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, so we were doing it in the bathroom and I mean, the
blood was, like, everywhere and we were like, okay, we’re at the
Plaza, we gotta get out. We were sooooo shitfaced. So then we left and got outta there…

–DuMont, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Anna K.

It’s Not a Harem If You Just Play Scrabble

Girl #1: How bad am I? I’m going to have sex tomorrow and then pay a shiva call.
Girl #2: Who cares? You’ve got needs.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Girl #2: Remember when you had a harem?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I didn’t have sex with any of them. I just fooled around with them.

–Bleecker Street Bar

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