Questions

The Secret Comedian Cells Spring Into Action

Woman: It’s a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What’s her name? …Um…Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Emilia

Suit #1: I know where we are.
Suit #2: Where?
Suit #1: On the corner!

–9th Street & 1st Avenue

Overheard by: Your Mom

Guy: Excuse me, can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …What?
Guy: Can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …No.
Guy: Are you su–
Girl: Didn’t you fucking hear me, you idiot?

She gets up and starts walking away.

Girl: Jesus Christ, these fucking…

–Central Park

Wednesday One-liners Buy Heeb Magazine

Girl on cell: Listen, listen. What I’m saying is, why can’t we just try to find a way to keep all of the Jews and the non-Jews from like, marrying? Or even interacting?

–Washington Square Park

That’s Why It’s the Ironyvator

Dude #1: What’re you even talking about?
Dude #2: The thing with Cheryl.
Dude #1: What’s wrong with you? That was this morning! Get over it, already!
Dude #2: Uh…what’d you think I was talking about?
Dude #1: The asshole who shoved past us on the escalator.
Dude #2: Oh…I didn’t notice.
Dude #1: See? That kind of thing, that’s what Cheryl was talking about. She has a point, you know.

–Penn Station

For Us

Guy #1: It’s a morning-after pill.
Guy #2: For him or her?

–6th Street & 2nd Avenue

Because America Needs More Armed Retards

Hetard: What did you do that for?
Shetard: Because I love you.
Hetard: Why do you love me?
Shetard: If I have to answer that again this week, I will shoot myself.

–Port Authority

Because You Red States Don’t Smell So Good

Tourist woman #1: This is a really quaint neighborhood!
Tourist woman #2: Yeah, but it’s really expensive. A small one-bedroom apartment is like $1,000 a month!
Tourist woman #1: Oh, my! Why would someone pay that?

–Bleecker & 11th

No One Ever Says “He’s Hung Like a Pony”

Girl: Oh my God! I meant to tell you!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yesterday I was walking on 5th Avenue and this horde of middle-aged women stopped me to ask where I got my Ralph Lauren shirt.
Guy: No way!
Girl: It was great.
Guy: The one with the big horse on it?
Girl: It’s a pony, not a horse!
Guy: What’s the difference?
Girl: It’s different.
Guy: Can you explain the difference?
Girl: No.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: pixelvisions

Try Any College Student’s Garbage Can

Chick: Dave, you’ve heard of Foucault, right?
Guy: No, I don’t have one.

–143rd & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday

Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.

–3 train

Now That’s What I Call Service

Guy: You can never underestimate the importance of cuticles.
Girl: Yeah, you can.

–108th & Amsterdam

Drunk girl: Is that the line for the bathroom?
Sober guy: No, that’s people who like looking at the bathrooms.

–Harry’s, Long Island City

Overheard by: Trix

Pretty boy: Man, I think I’m getting a migraine.
Southern chick: Guys don’t get migraines, they get cluster headaches.
Pretty boy: Go the fuck back to the prairie, Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: dj wantwo

Guy #1: I just don’t like the taste of water.
Guy #2: Who doesn’t like water?
Guy #1: Me.

–Palladium, 14th Street

Overheard by: Brian

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