Comebacks

How Was Your Halloween, New York?

Guy: It was a good night! We saw the parade…we got drunk…I made out with a pregnant nun…

–Ben’s Pizza, Spring Street

Overheard by: A. Yanishevsky

Drunk girl: Hey, Red #2, where’s the rest of the pack?
Red crayon guy: Ooh, you’re a regular Dean Martin, aren’t you?

–Puck Fair, Lafayette Street

Guy on cell: Trick or treat, fucking witch!

–20th & Park

Overheard by: Pedro Lebron

Guy #1: I know it’s Halloween and this is the West Village, but do you faggots have to block the entire sidewalk?
Guy #2: Oh go sit on a cock.
Guy #1: Yeah, you’d like that.

–Christopher & Bedford

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Chick on cell: Wait, wait, he put what where?…Uh huh…Well it was
Halloween last night…And then he did what? He ate it? That must have tasted like shit, literally!

–F train

Hipster girl: You know that guy Adam? That I….screwed? Well, he got arrested on Halloween for having a gun that looked like a gun.

–Mercer & Waverly

The Secret Comedian Cells Spring Into Action

Woman: It’s a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What’s her name? …Um…Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Emilia

Suit #1: I know where we are.
Suit #2: Where?
Suit #1: On the corner!

–9th Street & 1st Avenue

Overheard by: Your Mom

Guy: Excuse me, can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …What?
Guy: Can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …No.
Guy: Are you su–
Girl: Didn’t you fucking hear me, you idiot?

She gets up and starts walking away.

Girl: Jesus Christ, these fucking…

–Central Park

He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday

Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.

–3 train

She Will Search for a Retort for the Rest of Her Life

Woman #1: I should be on that monument.
Woman #2: Why, so you can scare everyone?

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Jon A.

Death is a Kind of Power

Doorman: Out for your morning power walk?
Old woman: Power walk? I’d fucking drop dead before I got to the corner.

–55th between 5th & 6th

Worst Wonder Twin Impression Ever

Guy #1: You Indian? India is like the next superpower, dude.
Guy #2: Superpower my ass.

–87th & Lexington

That’s Always Been More of a Written Tongue

Black guy: Yo, can I get a dollar for a hot dog?
White guy: Sorry. This is my last fiver.
White woman: Here ya go.
Black guy: That’ll do.
White woman: You could at least say thank you.
Black guy: I did. I was speaking ebonics.

–Gray’s Papaya, 8th Avenue

Overheard by: CRE

They Already Have a Boyfriend Anyway

Jock #1: …Yeah, but I heard she was dating someone.
Jock #2: She can date…my balls.
Jock #1: Classy, man. Classy.

–Modell’s, E. 86th Street

“Yeah, all those kids look alike.”

Asian guy: I want to spike my hair.
White guy: So grow out the sides and spike the whole thing.
Asian guy: What do I look like, one of those Dragon Ball Z kids in Chinatown?

–Office, Old Slip

Overheard by: Kevz

Someone Throw a Bear Trap in There for Her

Girl, 7: I wish I could go in and play with them. I want to play with the turtles.
Zookeeper woman: They’re not turtles. They’re tortoises.
Girl, 7: Whatever. I want to step on them.

–Central Park Zoo

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