Comebacks

Guy #1: Your jeans are ripped.
Guy #2: Your ass is ripped.

–West Village

Overheard by: Mike

Big Guido, yelling at female bystanders after minor traffic accident: Why don’t you shut the fuck up and get something to do… go suck a dick somewhere!
Woman bystander: Well, I’d suck you if you weren’t so small…

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: kerstin

Queer #1: Oh my god, you work at a hedge fund? How much money do you make and how big is your cock?
Queer #2: Uhh… Eight and two. But I’m not telling you which is which.

–Phoenix, 13th & A

Overheard by: Queer #3

Dad: It just seems silly. Why risk a lot for a little?
Teen son: It’s not a little, it’s my life!

–14th & 6th

Artist: Painting is wearing me out. I think I’m ready to retire.
Sales associate: Artists do not retire. As a matter of fact, they are the only ones that do not retire.
Artist: Yeah, they just jump off a bridge or out of a window.

–New York Central Art Supply Store, 3rd Ave, between 10th & 11th St

Guy in fur coat handing out fur sale brochures: Sale! Sale!
Tourist girl with lollipop: Animal killer!
Guy in fur coat: You’re killing that lollipop!

–7th Ave & 25th St

Overheard by: furry

Man #1: So was that her?
Man #2, returning from following Tara Reid: That was definitely her.
Man #1: She wasn’t as slutty as I’d hoped.
Man #2: I know. She’s starting to look more and more like Will Ferrell.

–53rd & 5th

Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don’t smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.

–Times Square

Overheard by: English, not polite

Guy #1: Dude, did you hear? Another helicopter crashed into the East River.
Guy #2: Man, that would suck. The East River is just dirty and nasty.
Guy #1: Shit yeah. It’s full of floatin’ helicopters.

–2 train

Cop: You gotta keep moving.
Vagrant: But it's free…it's a free…
Cop: No. It ain't.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jason Scott