Condutor: If you would like to operate the doors, please take the test to become a conductor. In the meantime, please release the doors, because there are a lot of people on this train who would like to get to work on time.
–A train
Overheard by: Aryn M
Chick #1: Yeah, I’m really getting sick of our teacher. I mean, and maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t care that she was raped by her
father as a child.
Chick #2: I know, that’s really none of our business. I don’t need to know that.
–168th Street station
Overheard by: bouch
Hobo #1: Do you know what time is it?
Hobo #2: Yeah I know.
Hobo #1: Thanks.
–2 train
Overheard by: Andrew A
White girl: I’m sorry, I don’t have any money.
Black guy: I didn’t ask you for nuthin’, lady!
–57th & Lexington
Woman: Excuse me, I left my passport in the ladies’ room.
Stewardess guy: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to wait until we make our way down the aisle.
Woman: But I need to get my passport.
Stewardess guy: I understand that, but we cannot move this cart back far enough. We should be through in a few minutes.
Woman: But it’s in the bathroom! What if someone takes it?
Stewardess guy: If it’s not in the bathroom when you get there, let one of us know and we’ll make an announcement.
Woman: No, I can’t wait for that to happen, I have to go and get my passport now.
Stewardess guy: I understand, but as I’ve explained to you before, you must wait. Please return to your seat.
Woman: Oh, you’re very nice. You know, in the United States, people don’t behave like that.
Stewardess guy: In the Netherlands people don’t dress like that.
–KLM flight to JFK
Man: Oh, man! Where have you been all my life?…Can I borrow your lighter?
Woman: Oh, thank goodness. I was like, “I’m flattered, but gay.”
–57th & 5th
Overheard by: (The) Heather Red
Hobo: Excuse me miss, but may I have some pussy?
Woman: Excuse me?
Hobo: Can I have some pussy?
Woman: I don’t know, I suggest that you call your mother.
–Thompson & Spring
Girl: Stop staring, pervert.
Guy: You ain’t all that hot.
Girl: I am not a hamburger! You can’t eat me!
–3 train
Overheard by: Jose
Man: Did anyone else notice my mother’s leopard print panties?
–1st Avenue & 10th Street
Girl on cell: Stop stealing Grandma’s condoms, you know she needs them more than you do. Do you want another mother?
–47th & 9th
Mom: Rules are so hard to keep track of and enforce. So I just don’t make any.
–Brooklyn Heights
Mom: Do you know what mental illness is? It’s not fun. You should know.
–F train
Guido on cell: My grandmother tore him a new asshole! You know what she’s like.
–Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Vic Payback
Mom: Can we please watch the expletives? Did you hear what I said? Can we please watch the expletives?…Can you please stop giving me the finger?
–LIRR
Overheard by: CMichaels
Mom: Get out of the elevator, I want to look at the Marc Jacobs crap.
–Barney’s, Madison Avenue
Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?
–171st & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch!
–Mona’s, Avenue B
Overheard by: Simon Mason
Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man.
–18th between 5th and 6th
Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.”
–Old Town Bar, 18th Street
Overheard by: LMF
Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.
–Soho party
Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way.
–38th & 7th
Overheard by: Krados
Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?
–54th between 8th & Broadway
Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!
–137th Street station
Overheard by: Amanda Nazario
