Etiquette

Wednesday One-liners Have Some Class

Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?

–171st & Broadway

Overheard by: Djlindee

Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch!

–Mona’s, Avenue B

Overheard by: Simon Mason

Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man.

–18th between 5th and 6th

Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.”

–Old Town Bar, 18th Street

Overheard by: LMF

Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.

–Soho party

Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way.

–38th & 7th

Overheard by: Krados

Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?

–54th between 8th & Broadway

Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!

–137th Street station

Overheard by: Amanda Nazario

Dog Shit is Bullshit (A NYC Short Story)

White woman: You see why I don’t live in Manhattan, especially on the Upper East Side.
White man: Why is that?
White woman: Too many freaking dogs. Everybody and their mother have a goddamn dog. The Upper East Side smells like dog shit and these people will not clean up after their dogs.
White man: I know what you mean. Too many dogs.
White woman: These people should be shot for not cleaning up after their dogs. They should not be allowed to own an animal if they can’t clean up after it. What, rich and snobbish people aren’t allowed to pick up dog crap, is that it?
White man: Well, at least the West Side is not so bad.
White woman: I’m not sure it is any better.

–80th & 3rd

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Yet It Would Befit the Chairman’s Agenda

Girl: If your cat has kittens, can I name one of them Chairman Meow?
Guy: If my cat has kittens, I’m going to put them in a plastic garbage bag and fling them into the river.
Girl: That’s not very gentlemanly.

–9 train

Overheard by: djlindee

A Different Sense of Screaming Queer

Queer: So how was your date?
Hispanic chick: Oh, it was nice, he was nice and sweet, and a real gentleman, you know, he would hold open doors, make sure to walk between me and the street, you know, really nice.
Queer: Oh, you know what that totally screams?
Hispanic chick: What?
Queer: That totally screams: I want to get into your vagina right now!

–6 train

Overheard by: Luke Reynolds

The Republican Convention Delegates: Where Are They Now?

A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.

Hobo: Don’t touch my butt, lady. I’m a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.

–Central Park

A Daily NYC Scene (Telemundo Edition)

White girl: Excuse me…excuse me…Can I please get the fuck by?
Hispanic guy: You don’t have to push, bitch!
White girl: Well, if you would stop with all that Mira! Mira! Mira! shit and stop looking and start listening maybe you wouldn’t get yelled at like a dumbass!

–A train, 125th Street station

Overheard by: Dixie Mae

“I’ll teach you the meaning of bon pain.”

Little old man: Hold on! That card is full, so I get one free.
Jamaican lady: I know! I see!
Little old man: Don’t be gettin’ fresh with me either.
Jamaican lady: Or what? What you goin’ do?

–Au Bon Pain, Broad Street

Overheard by: Mark S.

I Have a Feeling the Best Part Came Next…

Fat black woman: Hey, watch where you’re going! Say “excuse me” instead of bumping into me like that. Don’t you know how to speak English?
Japanese girl: You need a diet!

–Penn station

Overheard by: JL

Not Pulling Train Would Be a Good Start

Ho: …no, really. Like, I have really been trying to win his trust back. I’ve been doing everything! I even deleted all my ex-boyfriends’ screen names from all my IM accounts, right in front of him! I don’t know what else I could do to make him trust me again…

–Lehman College

Overheard by: Soro

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