Prostitution

Ah, The Clinton Years

Skinny guy: You get unemployment benefits?
Fat guy: It’s great. You just file and you’re done.
Skinny guy: What does that mean?
Fat guy: They give you free dough.
Skinny guy: It’d be great if sex were like that, unemployment. You could be like, “Hey, I haven’t gotten any in 6 months and I want some so I’m filing for sex, please.” And they’d be like, “Oh man, this dude hasn’t gotten it in months; send him a hooker!” And it’d be two stoned guys, fat white guys in a donut-filled government office with escort’s numbers all over the walls.

–4 train

Overheard by: Andrew Gamache

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Looks Like She’s the One Doing the Sharing

Man #1: Yo, tell him about it!
Man #2: OK, so I got two hookers tonight, but if you want we can get more.
Man #3: That’s all right man, sharing is caring.

–NA, 14th Street

Overheard by: Katerina Leznik

Where Are They Now?: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend

Preppy guy: Are you sure?
Non-Preppy guy: I’m telling you…I think she’s a prostitute.
Preppy guy: She doesn’t have the face for it.
Non-Preppy guy: I know, but she does have the body.
Preppy guy: That’s a fucking shame if she is one. Her family has billions and billions of dollars. She doesn’t need to be doing that.

–Prime Burger, 51st Street

Overheard by: Shirley Grace

Not All Stories Have a Happy Ending

B&T Guy #1: It’s easy. All you gotta do is give her 20 bucks.
B&T Guy #2: Then she jerks you off after she’s done?
B&T Guy #1: I wish!

–Banshee Pub, 74th & 1st

Overheard by: Michael

Yuppie #1: …yeah, those girls don’t want just 20 bucks.
Yuppie #2: Yep, no such thing as free sex in Vietman.

–Maritime Hotel, 9th Ave.

Overheard by: Chaser

Half the Conversation, Twice the Funny

Woman on cell: I liked it, but I didn’t understand some things. Like, when you learned she was a whore. Where would you learn that? In the conversation with your mother? Why would she tell you something like that?…Oh, yeah. Now I understand. No, I liked it a lot.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Slave2theMan

Whorish Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: …and it was right after he said that that I started doing double penetration, and I’ve never looked back.

–C train

Overheard by: Mickey Marx

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the B train. B like, like, like, um, brothel.

–B train

Overheard by: ed

It's Enough to Have an Albanian Boyfriend Who Beats Me

20-something girl #1, running into friend: Oh hey!! How are you?
20-something girl #2: Doing so well! It's nice to see you…
(they catch up, and five minutes later)
20-something girl #1, changing the subject without warning: Yeah, I know a lot of Johns.
20-something girl #2, shocked: Oh. Hah… damn, girl! It has been a while. What've you been up to that you know a bunch of Johns?
20-something girl #1, after confused pause: Oh… Oh! I mean I know a lot of people named John. I don't… Well… Yeah. I don't do that.
20-something girl #2, laughing: Oh, good! Girl, I was gonna say, “Well, she used to be kind of a slut, but straight-up prostitution is a little out of character.”
20-something girl #1, laughing: I know, right?

–6 Train

Overheard by: …Did you miss that she just called you a slut?

This Baby, for Instance.

Gay guy #1: Nice shoes!
Gay guy #2: Thanks. I got them by doing sexual favors… just like everything else I own.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Julia

Wednesday Still Remember When You Could One-Liner in Bars

Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?

–Prince St

Overheard by: Kristen W.

Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.

–British Airways Flight to Heathrow

Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.

–4 Train, Union Square

Overheard by: Christine

Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.

–Intermission, Rent

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