Fat People

Wednesday One-liners Are Phat

Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass…

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Katie

Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?

–Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal

Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Karith

Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Eric

Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls!

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: aryn pazornick

Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jennie Tang

Terror Alert Level: Indifferent

Guy: I think Ground Zero is kind of interesting. There’s nothing there, but it’s kind of cool. Also, if you walk along 5th Avenue there’s a lot of cool stores.

–V train

Fat lady: Well, this was worth the cab ride, I guess.

–Ground Zero

Overheard by: Eileen Donnelly

Foreign tourist: Excuse me, where is the World Trade Center?
Woman: Um, they’re gone.

–Church & Warren

Overheard by: Clay Caviness

M&M’s Have Some Effect, Fattie

Fat guy #1: She’s blonde…really tall…
Fat guy #2: Who is she?
Fat guy #1: The nanny. But I think she does drugs.
Fat guy #2: Oh yeah? How do you know? Dilated pupils?
Fat guy #1: Yep. But I don’t think she does it a lot. Just on the weekends.
Fat guy #2: Well, if you start taking ’em more than that it’s like eating M&M’s: no effect!
Fat guy #1: Heh, heh.
Fat guy #2: You know, it’s like a toilet. You gotta let the water build up again before you can flush it.

–7 train

Overheard by: Marissa Rich

That’s More of a “Canals of Mars” Thing

Fat guy #1: Yeah, she’s from Italy, she went to Venus to visit her grandmother.
Fat guy #2: Venus? How do you get to Venus?
Fat guy #1: Gondola.

–Grand Central food court

Overheard by: Muffy St. Jacques

It Takes Irregular Sex to Give Her the Big O

Fat black chick: I can’t come when I’m having regular sex.
Skinny black chick: Why not?
Fat black chick: I don’t know. It just doesn’t happen.
Skinny black chick: Maybe the guy sucks.
Fat black chick: And I have a sensitive clit, too.
Skinny black chick: He definitely ain’t hittin it right. Maybe you should get rid of that punk ass bitch.

–46th St. & 8th Ave.

Wednesday One-liners, Chelsea

JHS girl: I’ll be damned if I let a seventh-grader ruin my reputation.

–8th Ave. playground

Sweaty fat man on cell: I would feel stupid if I were in a diabetic coma.

–8th Ave. between 21st & 22nd

Wednesday One-liners, Matchmaking

Player: Yo, I ain’t banged a fat bitch in a while.

–Broadway & Astor Place

Big woman: He looks like a bean…he has no ass!

–Kate Spade, Broome St.

Overheard by: wermice

When the Student Is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear

Skinny construction worker: All I know is…
Obese construction worker: I told you I don’t wanna hear it!
Skinny construction worker: Listen, I’m just gonna say this once, and I’ll let it go.
Obese construction worker: I said I don’t wanna hear it!
Skinny construction worker: Nobody, and I mean nobody, should sweat when they eat. There, I said it!

–McDonald’s, Wall St

Overheard by: Robert

Explain the Assless Chaps, Then

Fat lady walking Pit Bull: The cop told me I have to put a muzzle on my dog.
Friend: Are you?
Fat lady: Hell no. Does my dog look like he’s into kinky shit?!

–115th & Broadway

Overheard by: nassah

Your Way. Go Away.

Fat Chick: Thank God. Cheryl! It’s the Golden Arches!

–Bus Entering Port Authority

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