Fat People

Wednesday One‐Glove‐Liners

20‐something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson’s “Rock with You” plays on the radio: Did you hear he’s sick? Apparently, he’s in the hospital. I know, it’s crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that’ll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!

–Pet Food Store

Overheard by: Nathalie

Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?

–8th & Broadway

Man, lighting cigarette: So what’d he die from? A sunburn?

–Chambers St. & West Broadway

Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.

–MacDougal & 8th St

Nine‐year‐old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.

–Canal & Orchard, Chinatown

Overheard by: Lauren T.

Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can’t be, they’re white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.

–Delancey & Essex

Ma’am, Please Don’t Nurse the Seals

Chubby girl: I just went to the zoo!
Homely friend: Without me?
Chubby girl: I saw the seals! They looked like our offspring!

–Tasti D‑Lite, 3rd Ave, UES

Overheard by: alexandra

I Long to Marinate in Hurt Feelings

Skinny guy in bad 90s jeans: I have to find out what that stupid bastard said!
Fat guy: What guy are you talking about?
Skinny guy in bad 90s jeans: No, I’m talking about my wife!

–3rd Ave & Ovington, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Ohioan stuck in Brooklyn

They Come Out at Night to Feed

Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t‑shirt that says “BEAR”. He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.

Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You’re a very attractive woman. I’d like to give you my number.

Fat man: It’s the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.

Fat man: I’ve got 31 movies – 31 movies! – I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.

Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work…you’ll lose weight, you’ll get married, you’ll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I’m a saint. I’m a guru – I don’t call myself a guru. I’m a saint. I save people.

Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It’s terrible to watch these things.

–Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mollie 

No Wonder Their Bacon Smells Fishy

(two obese out‐of‐towners take up four seats on the subway)
Fat man #1: They should really make these seats for Americans.
Fat man #2: The problem with these trains is that they’re built in Canada with a Japanese design.

–Grand Central Shuttle

Overheard by: Porky Pig

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Wednesday One‐Liners

Puerto Rican Mets fan in day parade, singing: “Aye girl, lemme smell yo feet, aye girl lemme smell yo feet, oooh oooh oooh, lemme smell yo feet.”

–Union Square

Egg‐shaped man with cane, singing to the tune of “What a Wonderful World”: I see little boys, and little girls, they have good parents, but they get screwed up anyway… And I think to myself, I love the babies…

–L Train

Large woman, to the tune of “We Are All One Body”: “We ain’t with no retards! We man’s chil’ren of the world!” (female friend sits across from her) I wish I could fuck every girl in the world!

–Metro‐North Rail

Thug, dressed top to toe in Ed Hardy gear, singing in Eva Gabor accent: “Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue!” 

–51st St & Park Ave

Boy in hallway, singing: “Don’t want to close my eyes, don’t wanna fall… (laughter from inside closed apartment) Heh‐heh… Shutthefuckup!

–NYU Dorm

Explain the Assless Chaps, Then

Fat lady walking Pit Bull: The cop told me I have to put a muzzle on my dog.
Friend: Are you?
Fat lady: Hell no. Does my dog look like he’s into kinky shit?!

–115th & Broadway

Overheard by: nassah

Kind of Like the Ocean

Good looking Italian guy, chatting: I was changing the oil on my car. I figure it’s going to shoot out so I put the pail like a foot away. I turned the knob and…whush…all over me…my clothes.
Chubby friend: Good thing you didn’t get it in your mouth.
Italian guy: It doesn’t taste that bad.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sibyl

Stacy London: Ooooo…

Obese 40‐something Puerto Rican hoochie in black tube top: Hey, watch where you’re going.
Little blonde teen: Sorry. Didn’t realize you were late for your episode of “what not to wear.”

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: Jekke

What’s a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One‐Liner Like This?

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There’s no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagina Whisperer.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do something weird… I’ll pour honey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy‐weird! I’ll pour butter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beautiful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

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