Fat People

Ah, The Clinton Years

Skinny guy: You get unemployment benefits?
Fat guy: It’s great. You just file and you’re done.
Skinny guy: What does that mean?
Fat guy: They give you free dough.
Skinny guy: It’d be great if sex were like that, unemployment. You could be like, “Hey, I haven’t gotten any in 6 months and I want some so I’m filing for sex, please.” And they’d be like, “Oh man, this dude hasn’t gotten it in months; send him a hooker!” And it’d be two stoned guys, fat white guys in a donut-filled government office with escort’s numbers all over the walls.

–4 train

Overheard by: Andrew Gamache

The Secret is Putting Marshmallow Bits in the Vials

Fat guy #1: So I go in and he’s like, “This definitely isn’t a fun job or anything. It’s not an exciting job. This isn’t one of those jobs where you going to be happy about coming into the office in the morning. This job isn’t, you know, you’re not going to learn anything at this job. But you’ll make a lot of money.”
Fat guy #2: Cool.
Fat guy #1: Yeah, so I can sell my soul, y’know? I’m like, “I’ll sell crack to kids if I could make a lot of money.”

–E train

Just Hold On for One More Day, Carnie

Fat chick: I said excuse me!
Fatter chick: Ya, well, you were up my ass for the last 5 minutes.
Fat chick: Ya I want to be up that fat ass!
Fatter chick: Shall I follow you to Queens? Shall I? Some of us can afford to live on 60th Street.

–59th Street station

That’s Only Half-cheating, Right?

Fat White drunk woman: Maybe you got it from someone in our building, or all those transvestites you fucked.
Sobbing Hispanic man: But baby, I didn’t fuck that many, it’s not my fault!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don’t speak English so they didn’t understand what you wanted.

–ESPNZone, Times Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.

–M train

A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.

–Indochine, Lafayette Street

Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, “What’s the problem?”.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: JH

Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lobster? I’m only into boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.

–Austin ale house, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: tom

Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don’t pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Alita

She Got Thrown Out Soon After (For Serious)

Girl: Why are you making fun of people? Someone as fat as you shouldn’t be runnin’ your mouth to nobody!
Drunk guy: OK, I may be fat but can lose weight. You’ll always be a nigger.
Girl: Ooh, so now you’re stupid and fat? Look drunk-ass, I’m not Black, I’m Dominican!
Drunk guy: Oh my bad, you’re a Spanish-speaking nigger.

–Croxley Ale House, Avenue B

Fat Eating Fat: Irony or Hate Crime?

Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Thin woman: Well, I can’t move over anymore.
Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Fat lady #2: There is no way you’re going to fit in that space.
Fat lady #1: If you moved over I could. I’m not fat like you.
Fat lady #2: Not only are you fat, but you’re crazy. You think I’m fat? Get away before I eat you.

–E train

His Mattress is Trying to Kill Itself

The train door squeaks constantly.

Fat guy: That’s what it sounds like in my bedroom!
Old lady: Yeah, before you get home from work.

–Metro-North train

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Wednesday One-liners Are Phat

Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass…

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Katie

Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?

–Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal

Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Karith

Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Eric

Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls!

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: aryn pazornick

Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jennie Tang

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